


Forgotten Lives

by bksloan28



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-03-14 19:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 77,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3423266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bksloan28/pseuds/bksloan28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seren and Cullen grew up together, were the best of friends, up until the day he left to become a Templar. They'd seen each other rarely and then the blight. They lost all communication, drifting apart; ghosts of a shared past.<br/>Then he turns up asking for a favour, one she could not decline.<br/>But in such a war-torn world, with both their lives becoming increasingly complicated, can they ever get back to what they had before?<br/>The events of Inquisition, with a few added extras.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Summer

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfic, although this is technically the edited version thanks to the hard work of my wonderful friend Alex.  
> Disclaimer: I own diddly squat (well apart from Seren, she's a lovely figment of my imagination).  
> Bioware on the other hand, own both my heart and soul.

**Part One**

_I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels,_

_but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons._

_\- Christopher Poindexter_

On a newly built deck, extending across a lake on the outskirts of Honnleath, there sat a seven year old boy.

Feet submerged in the cool, crystal clear water, he enjoyed the relief it offered from the sun's harsh summer heat. Every once in awhile, a breeze would pass over the water, spreading ripples on the surface and ruffling the boy's golden curls.

Almost asleep in the summer haze, his stupor was abruptly interrupted by the sound of running feet. He lifted his head to find a girl careening in his direction, a tress of auburn hair flowing out behind her.

"Move!" She shouted with a mad grin. The boy barely managed to avoid the peculiar girl as she took a running dive into the lake, sending great waves in every direction as far as the eye could see.

The boy wasn't sure why but he began to count in his head; when he reached 30, he peeked over the edge of the deck and was instantly met with a wet mass of limbs erupting from the water's surface. The girl shook the wet hair out of her eyes, treading water as she gripped the deck, whilst suspiciously eyeing the now soaking-wet boy.

"Don't tell him I'm here!" She glared at him, took a deep breath and then slipped back beneath the decking. The boy frowned, completely bewildered by the events of the last minute.

"HEY!"

He turned to see a middle-aged man jogging towards him. Panting, the man stopped just short of the decking. Bent over-double, he stammered in-between large gulps of air, "Have you - seen my - daughter?"

"I... Uhhhh... I don't…"

The boy would later wonder what it was that made him trust the whirlwind of a girl, who moments ago had almost knocked him into the lake over this seemingly well-meaning adult.

"She went that way sir." The boy said pointing vaguely off into the west, hoping his face wouldn't reveal his lie.

The man looked relieved. "Thank you." He took another breath, shook his head, then set off running once more.

As soon as the man was out of sight, the boy reached his hand under the water. He felt the girl's hand grip tightly as she resurfaced, inhaling deeply while attempting to speak.

"Holding your breath - for that long is - hard!" She swallowed. "Why does dad have to be such a  _chatterbox_?"

The boy nervously laughed a little.

"I honestly thought you were going to snitch. But...  _maybe_  you aren't so bad after all. Seren." She extended her dripping hand to the boy.

"Uhh, Cullen." The boy replied, shaking her hand.

Seren planted her other hand on the deck, pushed herself up and sat next to Cullen, water pooling beneath her.

"A pleasure to meet you Cullen." She said grinning and Cullen found he couldn't help but smile back. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think we're going to be friends." She said as she yanked on Cullen's hand and dragged him into the lake, causing another colossal splash. He resurfaced, coughing from the water he'd inhaled, to find Seren convulsing with laughter. She stood, still giggling. "Best friends!" She flashed Cullen a mischievous smile, then turned on her heels and jogged back in the direction she had come.

Cullen rested his elbows on the deck and watched as she ran, her wet hair and clothes clinging to her, her bare feet beating rhythmically along the wood. Once gone from sight, he stared at the trail of watery footprints she had left behind, wondering where this mysterious girl had come from, and if and when they would meet again.


	2. A Favour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a ghost turns up asking for a favour...

Seren already had one hundred and one things to do that day and dealing with unexpected, uninvited guests were not her highest priority. She'd been inspecting the state of the barracks, which were once again not to standard, when Nina, her second-in-command, had appeared with the news.

"But who is he?"

"He wouldn't say. Said he was here on official business though."

Seren sighed, feeling one of her headaches coming on. She rubbed her temples. "So let me get this straight. You let an unknown man, a _stranger_ , into the King's castle, took him to _my_ quarters and left him there on his own?"

Nina stood awkwardly unable to meet her Captain's gaze. "I...I hadn't thought of it that way. He said he knew you. That he was an old friend..."

"I don't care if he'd said he was my long lost brother, you should have brought him straight to me! Makers balls, let's just hope he's still where you left him." Seren left the barracks, followed by Nina who struggled to keep up with the Captain's pace as she hurried through the castle towards her office.

Once outside the door, Seren paused and turned to Nina. "If I have a problem..."

"I'll be ready Captain." Seren nodded, turned the handle and went inside.

Cullen jumped to his feet, a little startled by the sudden entrance.

 _Not that I should be. She was always one for the grand entrance._ He thought to himself, thinking back to the first time they met.

Seren stopped dead, shocked to find the man who now stood before her. She quickly recovered, composing herself before turning to close the door. "Don't take this the wrong way," she said. "But you were the last person I thought I'd find standing in my office."

"It's good to see you too." He said. She smiled, still facing the wood of the door. She turned, watching the grin that spread across Cullen's face. Without thinking, she crossed the gap between them and hugged him. A little stunned, Cullen stood stiffly at first, and then hugged her back.

After a few seconds, Seren pulled away slightly, but still held his arms, her hands gripping near his elbows.

"It is good to see you." She smiled and looked up into his amber eyes, noting the laughter lines and the hint of stubble across his jaw. He was taller and stronger than she remembered, a great deal more defined. He'd grown up a lot since she'd last seen him. She wondered if he thought the same of her.

"It's been a while hasn't it." She let go and walked behind her desk.

"Yes, over 10 years now." Cullen replied matter-of-factly.

She hesitated, the smile disappeared. "Gosh that long?"

"I know." They looked at each other, strangers, if only momentarily. The spell broke when Seren looked away.

"How time flies." She shrugged and forced a smile. "Well, Knight-Commander what can..."

"It's not..." Cullen interrupted. "That is, I'm no longer Knight-Commander."

"Oh. I heard..." Confusion clear in her voice.

"I belong to the Inquisition now."

"You joined the Inquisition?" She silently cursed herself for the disbelief in her tone.

"Yes, quite recently. That's actually why I'm here." He hesitated, Seren waited for him to continue.

 _He's probably come to see the King. The Inquisition needs a favour no doubt._ She couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed.

"I've been recruited as Commander of the Inquisition's forces. They are seriously... How do I put this...lacking? Mainly they are volunteers with little, if any, experience. So I have a favour to ask you."

"If you're asking for recruits from the guard, I can't help you."

"That's not it. I want you to be my lieutenant." Seren's heart stopped.

_That was not what I'd been expecting._

When she didn't respond, Cullen continued, rubbing the back of his neck. "I need someone I can trust, someone who can get things done and is skilled enough to turn civilians into soldiers. And the first person I thought of was, well, you. I know we haven't seen each other for years but you're Captain of the Royal Guard... And we were..."

Seren's mind was racing, as she tried to comprehend what Cullen was saying, what he was asking of her.

_He wants me to be his second-in-command? We've barely spoken, for over 10 years and now, out of nowhere... Why me?_

His body language suddenly changed, somehow removed and she realised she hadn't spoken for too long. "I understand if you aren't interested. It was just..."

"When do we leave?" Seren asked, a little surprised herself.

Cullen was taken aback. "Tomorrow." He replied, surprised by her response. "If you can, of course."

She sat down at her desk, busying herself with some papers. "Of course. I'll have to speak to the King but that should be no trouble. Nina can replace me, it will be a steep learning curve but she'll cope. Well, I hope she will." She looked up to find Cullen studying her curiously. Seren's cheeks flushed red. "Sorry, I'm rambling. It's a bad habit."

"I didn't think you'd say yes. I mean, I hoped you would. But it's been so long."

She smiled. "How can I turn down an opportunity to freeze my arse off in the Frostbacks?"

Cullen laughed, tipping his head back slightly, and Seren thought of how much she'd missed that sound. How much she'd missed him.

_No, not now. That was years ago. We're... Not the people we were._

"You always had an interesting sense of humour." Cullen smiled, the firelight dancing in his eyes.

"And you, an interesting sense of style." Gesturing towards the fur lined cloak draped across his shoulders. The corners of his mouth twitched mischievously.

"Well when you're freezing your arse off, I'll remind you of that."

A knock at the door.

"Come in." Seren shouted, without removing her gaze from the Commander's smirking face. Nina appeared in the doorway.

"Can I get you anything Captain?" She glanced at Cullen, her gaze lingering slightly longer than it should on his handsome features.

"Some tea would be appreciated. Can you also see if the King is engaged? I have to talk to him as soon as possible."

"Is everything alright, Ser?"

"There's nothing to worry about Nina. Just go and find out for me, will you?"

"Of course. Right away." The door closed.

Within a few minutes, Nina returned carrying a tray of tea and a couple of slices of cake. "The King is not currently engaged Ser."

"Wonderful. Cullen, help yourself. I'll go and get the ball rolling." She rose from her seat and left her office.

On the walk through the castle she thought of what she was going to say, of what she had just agreed to, of the man who had just walked back into her life after being a ghost for so long. They'd been friends, best friends and then he'd joined the Templars. He'd left. He'd left everything behind him. He'd left her.

_Not now._

She entered the Great Hall and found the King in conversation with the royal architect, a rather scary woman who could probably make darkspawn cry. As she approached, King Alistair noticed her, relief flooding his features. "Captain! What a pleasure! Some terribly important task that needs my attention no doubt?" King Alistair winked at her. Seren suppressed a smile.

"Yes, Your Majesty. There is an emergency that requires your immediate attention."

"Wonderful! I mean... How dreadful. My immediate attention you say? Well, I am awfully sorry, my lovely Drella, but my presence is required elsewhere. Another time." The King walked off in the direction of the Royal quarters before the architect could respond. Seren nodded at the architect before following after her King.

King Alistair entered his study, Seren closely behind.

"Maker, that woman. I spend half my time trying to avoid her. But she sneaks up on you. It's like she bides her time, just waiting... Give my darkspawn anyday! Anyway, I'm assuming you actually wanted something Captain." The King sat down at his desk, while Seren stood awkwardly, trying to find the words.

"Yes Your Majesty. You see, I wish to resign from my position as Guard Captain." Surprise registered on the King's face.

"Resign?"

"Yes sire."

"May I ask what has brought this about?"

"I have been offered a position in the Inquisition."

"By?"

"Commander Cullen, formerly Knight-Commander in Kirkwall."

"The Templar? From the circle tower?" The King was lost in thought, memories of the ordeal during the blight and then the events at Kirkwall rushing back.

"You know him Your Majesty?"

Alistair glanced at his Guard Captain. "Yes. Well sort of. It was a long time ago..." He recovered. "The Inquisition huh?" He smiled. "It'll be a shame to lose you, but if it is what you want?"

"It is Your Majesty."

"Then I wish you well. You've done an amazing job. I assume you have a replacement in mind."

"Nina Grenick."

"Of course. I'll leave it to you to inform her. When are you planning on leaving us?"

"Tomorrow morning sire."

The King nodded, his face dropping a little. "You will always have a place here, if you ever want it."

"Thank you your majesty." Sadness filled her heart. The King and Queen had given her the chance to do something with her life, they had seen her talent and offered her a position after all that went on in Denerim during the blight. She owed them everything.

The Queen had been missing for several years now, and the King had been lost without her, Seren knew. This wasn't really his forte but he tried. And she would follow him anywhere. He was a good king, a kind man with a generous heart, even if the politics were not his thing. He could make you laugh even in your darkest moments.

The Queen had often recounted stories to Seren, of moments during the blight when even she, the Hero of Ferelden, had all but given up hope. And that in those dark times, Alistair had lifted her spirits, without even trying.

Seren had always sensed the love between them, could see it in the looks they shared and even those they didn't; the glances that no one was meant to see. She dreamed of love like that.

 _I had that once._ She thought. _A long time ago. Almost._

Seren turned to leave and then stopped. "Thank you again. For everything."

King Alistair looked up. He smiled. "You do know where you're going right? You might not thank me later. Take a coat. Or two. Or three!" She laughed. "Now go before you change your mind."

"Yes sire." Seren turned and left. Alistair glanced up as the door closed, feeling more alone than ever.


	3. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few farewells...

There was a chill in the air the next morning. Seren had spent the night packing and catching up with Cullen. It had been a little strained at first, the awkward small talk like 'I hope your family are well', but over the course of the evening and with the aid of alcohol, conversation became more relaxed and enjoyable.

  
Cullen spoke of Kirkwall, the Mage revolt and the Seeker, Cassandra's offer. Seren recounted her time during the blight, her involvement in Denerim and how she came to be Guard Captain. He seemed especially interested in that.

  
"I thought you wanted to be a Grey Warden?" He'd asked.

  
"I did. In many ways, I still do. But the Queen suggested I should wait till... Well wait till I've lived a little more. The blight was over. I guess I kind of missed my opportunity." She shrugged. "One day maybe." There was a pause as both became lost in thought. Then Cullen smiled.

  
"I remember, we used to argue about who was better. The Templars or the Grey Wardens. You were determined you were right."

  
"I was." She smiled and he laughed.

"Perhaps." Seren noted the far off look that appeared in his eyes but decided not to ask.

_He would tell me if he wanted to. Best not to push things too soon._

She had wanted to ask about his time during the blight, but he'd changed the subject.

They began reminiscing about their childhoods, the time they'd spent together. He often recounted her stubbornness, with a sneaky smile. And her bossiness. Seren had protested, though she knew his words to be true, but he was only teasing her.

As she finished adjusting the saddle on her horse, she smiled thinking back to their conversation.

Lexi, a beautiful grey mare, standing over 16 hands high, had been a gift from her parents the day she'd left home for good, before the days of the blight. Happier times.

The mare nuzzled at her owner. "Excited hey girl? It's going to be bloody freezing up there. I hope you're prepared."

_I hope I am too._

Cullen led his horse from the stables into the courtyard.

"Almost ready?" He asked.

"Almost."

"Cap... I mean Seren. Sorry, I will get used to that." Nina appeared from the kitchens, carrying a small, cloth-wrapped package. "I just brought you some last minute supplies." She smiled shyly, holding the gift up to her friend, unexpected tears in her eyes. Seren felt the sting in her own.

Seren and Nina had become unlikely friends, mostly due to the relative closeness of their jobs. They relied on one another and a true friendship had grown from that. When Seren had revealed the news to Nina, she had been happy for the promotion but couldn't hide the sadness that she felt for the loss of a friend. It hadn't truly dawned on them till that morning.

"Thank you." Seren pulled her friend into an embrace, which Nina quite happily reciprocated. They pulled away. "Goodbye Nina."

"Goodbye."

Seren put her foot in Lexi's stirrup and pulled herself up. Cullen had already mounted his horse.

"Ready?"

Seren took a final look around the courtyard, trying to store every brick and stone to memory, when she noticed the King stood at the top of the courtyard steps. She nodded to him; he responded equally.

"Ready." She smiled at Cullen as he turned his horse to leave. "Don't fuck up now Captain. Or I'll be back to whip you into shape." She winked at Nina, turned Lexi and rode off after Cullen.

Nina watched her friend disappear, a sad smile on her face, before returning to her new and numerous duties.


	4. The Road to Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Cullen dreams...

The journey to Haven was not uneventful, though the days spent riding were mainly just long and tiresome. When they could, the two would stay in village inns, enjoying the comfort of a good meal and warm beds for the night. But as they travelled closer to the Frostbacks, this became increasingly difficult as the distance between villages grew, no doubt due to the harsh weather conditions the west experienced. As a result, for many nights, they found themselves sleeping out under the stars, taking it in turn to keep watch while the other would sleep.

They faced little trouble, except for one night on the road from Denerim when a band of rather unfortunate bandits crossed their path. The outlaws were dealt with quickly and quietly. No fuss and little mess.

They passed through what was left of Lothering. The village had never truly recovered following the invasion by the darkspawn, who thankfully had long since gone.

As they rode through, they noticed the shrine built in memory of those that didn't escape the village in time. Cullen stopped his horse, climbed down and knelt before it, lighting one of the candles. Seren joined him as he silently prayed, even though praying had never been her thing, honouring the dead. Once Cullen was finished, without saying a word, they remounted and pressed on, leaving Lothering behind.

The next stop should have been Redcliffe, but as King Alistair had allowed the mages to seek refuge there, Cullen suggested it would be better if they camped a little outside of the village. Seren was surprised to find that he was still wary of mages, after all these years.

_But in truth he is a Templar, what can you expect? And after Kirkwall…_

They camped by the edge of Lake Calenhad, just under the cover of the trees before a short beach that ran down into the lake. Cullen said he'd take the first watch, so Seren happily drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

She awoke a few hours later to find that Cullen was not in his usual spot by the fireside. Bleary eyed, she sat up looking for him, soon noticing him kneeling down by the water's edge.

In the pale moonlight, his golden curls shone. The lake itself was illuminated; the moon's reflection lit the dark waters. In the distance, she could see the darkened tower of the Ferelden mage circle.

A gentle breeze rippled around the water, past Cullen to where Seren sat, sweeping her hair off her face and carrying muffled sounds.

In a heart-wrenching moment, Seren realised Cullen was crying. She saw his shoulders heave and fall, listened to his sobs on the wind.

Seren was conflicted. Did she go to him, hold him, this man she had once shared her deepest secrets with? But they were practically strangers now. How could she comfort a man she had barely seen since she was 11 years old? They had changed so much. There were so many things she didn't know about his past.

He was at the Ferelden circle during the blight, this she knew. But he hadn't spoken of his time there at all.

 _He waited till I was asleep. He needs to be on his own, at least for now._ Seren lay back down, trying to push the image from her mind.

 _I'm here if you need me. I'll always be here Cullen._ She willed him to hear her thoughts, knowing that he couldn't.

She closed her eyes, listening to his despair.

Eventually, the sobs stopped. Cullen walked back up the beach towards the make-shift camp. Seren kept her eyes shut, steadying her breathing so he would think she was asleep.

 _He must never know I saw him,_ she thought to herself.

She felt his hand on her arm. "Seren?" He whispered, his voice thick and low. Seren opened her eyes. "Your turn." He removed his hand and walked over to his bedroll.

Seren sat up, pretended to rub her eyes and stretched.

"Aye aye, Commander." The corners of Cullen's mouth twitched, despite his mood. _How does she do that?_ He thought. _How can she make me smile even after…_

"Please don't say that when we reach Haven. The Seeker will think I brought a pirate back with me."

"I've always wanted to be a pirate. Well, after being a Grey Warden of course. I thought I'd make a good pirate." Cullen snorted.

"You can't stand boats. We saw your lunch _twice_ that day my father took us fishing." He said as he lay down, pulling his blanket over himself.

"Hey! That was a long time ago!" Seren flushed a little, slightly mortified that he remembered that.

"How many times have you been on a boat since?"

"Well, I errr haven't."

Cullen chuckled smugly.

"I could so be a pirate Cullen Rutherford. Don't you deny it."

"Whatever you say Seren." And he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

Seren smiled to herself.

_At least he looks peaceful in his sleep._

For a while, she sat staring at the fire as it died away, watching the embers dance in the darkness. She thought of Cullen, worried about him, wondered what had happened to him.

She thought of the carefree boy of thirteen who went off to join the Templars, all smiles and waves.

She thought of the man who returned at eighteen, for his sister's wedding. How much he'd changed. How much she'd missed him, how excited she'd been to see him.

She looked at the man that now lay just on the other side of the embers, sleeping quietly, peacefully. He was changed once more. Older. Scarred. Experienced.

_Haunted…_

Cullen's breathing changed. It became rushed and shallow. He thrashed and yelled.

"Don't… please don't… stop… please."

Seren was on her feet. She was by his side in an instant, but his eyes were still closed.

_He's dreaming…_

"Cullen. Cullen, it's all right. Just wake up. You're dreaming."

He continued to thrash, pleading with an invisible entity.

_Begging._

"Cullen!" Seren took his hand in hers, gently caressing the top of his hand with her thumb. "It's okay, Cullen. Just wake up." She placed her other hand on his chest. His eyes opened, unseeing and lost. He jolted upwards, sweat beading on his forehead. His breath was jagged. At first he didn't recognise her. Then it all came crashing down.

Seren studied his face, adrenaline pulsing through her body, her heart in her mouth. She didn't know what to say.

Cullen pushed away, got up and walked down to the lakeside. Seren watched him go and then followed carefully behind.

"I didn't want you… to see…"

"Cullen, it's okay…"

"No!" He shouted at the lake, clenching his fists, without turning to face her. Seren jumped a little, shocked by his outburst. For a moment, neither said anything.

Cullen finally took a deep breath, unclenched his fists and sighed, his shoulders sagging with the effort. "I'm sorry, Seren." He turned to face her, his features contorted with remorse. "I didn't…"

"I know. You don't have to apologise. Not to me." She smiled a sad smile.

"That's not true. I just didn't want you to see me like… that."

"Do you…" She hesitated. _You have to ask._ "Do you dream often?"

Cullen winced as if he'd been hit. Seren instantly regretted asking the question but it was too late. He ran his hand through his hair, a pained look on his face.

"Yes. Most nights actually. All since…" He turned away again, staring off across the lake. Towards the distant circle tower.

"You don't have to tell me. We're all allowed our secrets." Seren said softly, hoping he would trust her enough to open up. He turned, searching her face, finding only kindness and worry in her features.

Cullen sighed. "No, you should know. I just… don't know where to start."

That night he told her of the fall of the circle tower, the corruption of the mages and the torture he had endured until the Hero of Ferelden had arrived to rescue them. He spoke of his distrust, hatred even, of mages and how for many years, it had consumed him.

He told her how he had ran away to Kirkwall, and yet even there he was haunted every night by the demons that had played with his mind. He wasn't the same person he had been.

Seren had listened, horrified by what she heard. But out of the horror, a new-found respect for the man that fought demons in his nightmares and yet still got up every morning, carrying on. She knew that he couldn't see the strength he possessed. In his shoes, Seren doubted she could do the same.

By the time Cullen had finished his story, the sun was beginning to rise. The first light of dawn spread across the lake, slowly at first and then like a great flood; its warmth filled the valley, banishing the night's chill.

"And yet, the dawn still comes." He said, glancing across the lake towards the tower.

"The dawn will always come." Cullen caught Seren's eye. In that moment, he knew he'd made the right decision to recruit her, to trust her with his secret. He felt like a weight had been lifted, even if only a small one. They held each other's gaze for quite some time. Seren smiled.

"We'd better get going. Before someone spots us."

"Aye aye Lieutenant." Seren snorted and the spell was broken.


	5. Getting Settled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seren gets settled in at Haven...

"Cold?"

"Don't smirk at me Cullen Rutherford."

Out of the corner of her eye, Seren could see the corners of his mouth twitch as he tried to supress his grin, readjusting his fur lined cloak purely for effect. She rolled her eyes.

"Enjoy it while you can. I'll get you at some point."

"Of course you will." Cullen smirked, making sure he had wound her up just enough. A messenger appeared.

"Report for you Ser."

"I'll leave you to it Lieutenant." He walked away still smiling to himself, leaving Seren to her post.

_I'll get him. Maker, I swear I'm going to wipe that smug grin…_

"How's it going, Red?" Varric Tethras, the storyteller and previous companion of the Champion of Kirkwall, appeared at her side.

"Seren." She corrected, unamused by her new nickname.

She crossed her arms, and began stamping her feet, desperately trying to encourage the warmth back into her limbs.

"I know." He smiled, watching her. "Cold?"

"No. This is just for fun."

"It looks it." The conversation lulled. Seren eyed the dwarf suspiciously.

"Do you want something Varric?"

"Only the scoop on you and Curly."

"Curly?" It dawned on her. "You mean Cullen?"

"The one and only."

_Here we go._

"We're not star-crossed lovers if that's what you're thinking."

"The thought never crossed my mind."

Seren rolled her eyes again.

_Typical. So bloody typical._

"We grew up together. We used to be best friends and then he left to become a Templar. End of story." She shrugged, hoping it would seem like it didn't bother her as much as it did.

"Used to be?"

"We haven't seen each other in a while. It's been a lot of playing catch-up."

"That wasn't as juicy as I'd hoped."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"It must have bothered you. Losing a… friend?"

"If you are looking for new plot ideas Varric, I suggest you look elsewhere."

"Touchy subject?"

"No, just ancient history." Seren looked straight ahead, ignoring the dwarf, hoping that he would get bored and move on.

"What isn't." Varric left without another word.

A freezing wind blew across the white landscape, lifting fresh, uncompact snow in swirling patterns just feet from the ground. The breeze stung her face, turning her cheeks red and numb. It caught the loose strands of hair, those too short to be held in place by the hairband she wore, which framed her face. She tucked them neatly behind her ears.

_Maker, where is my replacement?_

Since arriving in Haven, the enthusiasm Seren had left Denerim with had faded and died, leaving in its stead a hatred for minus temperatures and the lack of hot water. Having to break up the ice before washing in a morning lost its charm unsurprisingly quickly.

Inspecting the troops had been an interesting experience too, for Seren soon realised Cullen had used the term 'lacking' quite generously.

_This is going to be more work than I'd thought._

From day one, she'd had them running double drills in the hope that pushing them would increase their stamina at least. Skill comes second when most of them can't even hold up a shield for more than five minutes.

The forces were still small, which meant there weren't enough people to actually do everything, leading to some very long days. Cullen pulled his weight though, unlike some superiors she had known in the past. They often found themselves working late together on reports that became increasingly tedious with every candle that burnt down and went out.

The peace talks were only days away. Seren wondered if the conflict could truly be straightened out, after all that had gone on. She could understand the mages wanting more freedom, knew that the Templars had grown oppressive in recent years. But magic did have a tendency to cause problems. **Big** problems.

There was no easy answer, no clear path to take.

She had spotted Divine Justina a few days previous. She was being ushered around, surrounded by busybody chancellors all with very important opinions Seren was sure.

The position of Divine was not one Seren had ever thought to be enticing. They always appeared so harried and worn down by the constant pressures of Chantry life. Being a soldier was no easy job either, but at least you got to ease the tension by hitting things with swords. Seren couldn't imagine having prayer as the only source of relief.

The Divine's Right and Left hands were always close by.

Seren had met Leliana many years ago but knew little of her, other than the stories the Queen had told her.

The Seeker, Cassandra, had been waiting for them to arrive.

"This is her?" Cassandra had asked.

"Yes, this is Seren."

"A pleasure to meet you Lady Cassandra." Seren watched the seeker, feeling her eyes inspect every inch of her.

"I hope you are all what Cullen has said of you." She turned to him. "We require your presence."

"Of course. Rylen! Can you show Seren where she needs to be?"

"Ser."

The day was a mix of trepidation and excitement, a whirlwind ride that passed in a flash. She didn't even catch a glimpse of Cullen till he debriefed her that night, asking her how her day had been.

"That Cassandra's a real ball-breaker." He'd laughed.

"You can say that again. Seriously though, how was today?"

"Like trying not to drown when you are out of your depth." Cullen looked at her, concerned. She held up her hands. "I'll be fine. Day one is always like trying to locate chicken's teeth. I'll get the hang of it." Eventually. Seren changed the subject, never enjoying sympathy."Rylen's… interesting."

"He reminds me of you."

"I'll try and take that as a compliment."

Cullen produced a bottle of what looked like rum. "To celebrate your first day?"

"Do you need to ask?"

 _That had been really bad rum._ Seren shuddered at the memory.

_Where the bloody hell…_

"Lieutenant, I'm here to relieve you." Wilson, a recruit with probably the same number of brain cells as fingers on his hand, presented himself with his poorly fitting helmet slipping to one side as he tried to tuck his shirt into his trousers beneath his chest plate. In honesty, he looked quite comical but Seren had to set an example.

"About bloody time! Where have you been? And do you honestly think it's acceptable to turn up to your post dressed… well like that?" She banished the smile that threatened, instead displaying her best scold.

"No Lieutenant. Sorry Lieutenant." He muttered, his cheeks flaming red.

"You're on report. Turn up late, like that, again and I will make sure you regret the day you were born." She stalked off, feeling relatively pleased that she pulled off being a hard-arse, leaving Wilson to his post. He wore a slightly terrified look for the rest of the day.

 _Maker he looked a mess._ She smiled, shaking her head.

_He'll get there though._

_I hope._


	6. Seeing Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the sky rips open...

"They just had to hold the peace talks here. Here. The back of beyond." She thought for a moment. "Actually I think I'd prefer the back of beyond. Especially if it was warm."

"Are you just going to complain the whole time?" Seren ignored him.

"I mean sure, the risk of losing fingers and toes does make the proceedings so much more exciting, but just remind me again why they chose this lovely location."

"It's the Temple of Sacred Ashes, a symbol of hope."

"Couldn't they have picked some other lovely religious symbol though? Somewhere warm? Obtaining chill burns isn't nearly as fun as sun burns."

"You're terrible, you know that?"

Mischievously, Seren smirked at the Commander. "I do. I work hard at it."

Cullen shook his head, giving up trying to hide his smile.

"How long do you think they'll be up there?" Seren crossed her arms, hugging her torso, trying to keep the chill from her bones. Standing on the wall, looking up at the conclave, had been Cullen's bright idea.

"Maker only knows. I doubt they'll be done any time soon though." Cullen shrugged his shoulders.

"Stop with the cloak."

"I don't know what you mean." He grinned at her; she responded with a look of amused disapproval.

_He thinks he's so funny. Smug bastard._

Then, an explosion of green light. A pulse shot in all directions, its force driving everyone to the ground as it shook beneath them.

Seren hit the ground hard, her knees consuming the impact, gasping with pain. Cullen had gone down just to her right. She looked up at the sky, fear gripping her heart.

_What the…_

"The conclave…" She glanced at Cullen, horror and shock overwhelming them both.

"We've got to move." The Commander was on his feet, barking orders to everyone within proximity.

Seren stood, her knees protesting as she grabbed her shield from its resting place against the wall. She ran after Cullen, trying to unsuccessfully ignore the gaping hole in the sky.

With a squad of maybe 15 men, the Commander and his Lieutenant began the ascent up the mountain to the temple.

There were bodies. Everywhere. Charred remains, disfigured and inhuman. The smell was putrid, one of those heavy and dense smells that gags you. A few of the recruits had to stop to vomit, but to their credit, they pulled themselves together and carried on.

"Keep an eye out for survivors!" Cullen shouted to the men, but Seren knew no one could survive this. She glanced at the Commander as they ran, his features set in grim determination. They pushed on. The temple came into sight.

_It's gone. All gone. So many dead._

The breach cast an eerie green glow across the scorched landscape, illuminating the corpses and destruction of the temple.

They searched and shouted, trying to find anyone still alive. But it was hopeless. Until…

A tear appeared at the temple entrance.

Demons. Cullen and Seren both acknowledged the unspoken thought, nodding to one another to prepare.

"Stand ready!" Cullen roared. Seren took her place next to him, sword and shield side by side. Sweat dripped down her face, the beat of her heart pounding in her ears. She steadied her breathing, ready for whatever Maker-forsaken creature would come charging out of the rift.

But no such creature came. Instead, a woman appeared and then she was down. In the gap behind her though…

_No it can't be… She's not…_

The figure disappeared as the tear closed in on itself.

The soldiers stood, stunned and silent. Cullen and Seren glanced at each other and then at the woman who lay unconscious at their feet. Seren was the first to move, sheathing her sword.

The woman, perhaps a few years younger than herself, had an unfamiliar face. Seren knelt beside her, hand outstretched.

"Don't!" Cullen shouted. "Look at her hand."

And that she did, noticing the glowing green mark that split the hand of this impossible survivor. The Commander came to Seren's side.

"What is it?"

"I have no idea."

"Is she…?"

"I don't know. But I don't think so. Apart from the hand, she looks normal."

"How could she have survived?"

"Perhaps a good question for when she wakes up. Can you carry her?" Cullen looked disgusted.

_He thinks it's her fault._

For whatever reason, Seren's instincts told her otherwise. She sighed. "Fine, I'll…"

"I've got it." He placed his hands beneath the survivor's back and lifted her like she was light as feathers.

"We shouldn't take her back." The recruit, Wilson, stood in Cullen's path.

"Stand down." Seren snapped. "That's an order, recruit."

"She's dangerous. Look at her hand!" Wilson whined.

Seren moved so she was inches from his face. "Right now she's the only one who might know what happened here, do you understand? She's going back to Haven. No debate." He didn't move.

"Don't cross me recruit." She added, placing her hand on her sword hilt.

The recruit reluctantly backed down.

"Keep looking. We'll send reinforcements."

Seren and Cullen, carrying the survivor in his arms, began the descent back to Haven.


	7. The Mountain Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a rescue occurs...

The way back down wasn't as straight forward. Rifts were opening up all over, spewing out demons from the depths of the fade.

With Cullen incapacitated, the still unconscious woman safe in his arms, Seren was left to deal with the monsters. Luckily there weren't too many, and so far only the less powerful had come through, so she made short work of them. Saying that though, by the time they reached Haven, she was exhausted. She could feel her sodden clothes sticking to her body, sweat pouring out of her skin despite the freezing air.

Cullen handed the woman over to the Seeker, explaining the situation at the temple. "The only survivor?" The Seeker had asked.

"So far." Cullen replied. Seren watched from a distance, as Cassandra's pained expression flooded with rage. 'The Survivor' very quickly became 'the Prisoner'.

"Lieutenant." Leliana approached, graceful and calm as ever. "I am sending scouts up the mountain path and I wish for you to go with them." Seren glanced at Cullen. "I shall clear it with the Commander."

"Of course."

"I see you found a survivor." Leliana wavered before asking in hushed tones. "Was there any sign…?"

"I don't think anyone else survived." Seren replied hesitantly, keeping her voice low. "It's a mess up there. I'm sorry…" _About the Divine._ She left her sentence unfinished, hanging in the air.

"Now is not the time for sympathies." Out of the corner of her eye, Seren saw Cullen and the Seeker disappear into the Chantry. Leliana followed.

Chaos ensued, as Haven collapsed in panic. People were petrified; some ran, some hid. Many cried, already grieving for those lost at the conclave. The Chantry was swarming with those seeking refuge. It was too much to bear.

Seren darted into her tent, trying to escape the turmoil. She was shaking, cursing herself for being weak. She filled a cup with water, drank the lot in one go before pouring another, which emptied in a similar fashion.

_Pull yourself together woman_.

She slammed the cup down, gripping the table edge as she tried to still her racing heart.

"Seren!" She heard Cullen shout from outside. She took a deep breath, grabbed her helmet, which she had completely forgotten during the first trip up the mountain, and left the tent to find Cullen.

"Here!" He looked relieved. "What's the plan Commander?"

"I'm glad you haven't left yet. I need help setting up a forward camp, then you are to go with the scouts."

"Right away Commander."

Within half an hour, they were mobilised, moving to the designated location for the forward camp, carrying only essential equipment. The camp was to be set up on the bridge half way up the mountain, where no rifts had opened so far. Once there, Seren had the recruits constructing a small number of tents and building defences by the gates. Leliana's scouts arrived shortly afterwards, and one approached.

"Lieutenant?" She nodded. "We are ready to leave when you are."

"I'll be right with you." Seren searched for Cullen in the sea of people now occupying the camp. In the end, she spotted his cloak first.

"Commander!" She shouted. He turned at the sound of her voice, stress twisting his features. "The scouts have arrived."

He nodded. "Go." But he didn't look away.

"Commander." _Be safe._ Unspoken but thought by both.

Seren returned to the scouts and before long, she was on her way back up the mountain. There were more demons now but the team worked well, dispatching the creatures with ease.

They had little trouble in the mine. They made short work of the creatures that came for them, only suffering minor injuries themselves.

It wasn't until they left the tunnels that it really began.

They were ambushed, a larger number here and stronger. Men were caught unawares, cut down where they stood.

Seren saw the Shade just in time, its claws missing her face by mere centimetres. She swung round, striking at the beast. It shrieked, rearing back but it came back at her. Raising her shield, she smashed into it, sending it back once more, but it didn't go down.

An arrow flew past her head, straight into the demon. It shrieked as it melted down into the floor, disappearing into the depths from which it came. Seren turned and nodded in gratitude to the scout.

There were only 4 of them now, but together they took down the rest.

"Everyone good?" The others nodded, clearly exhausted.

"What do we do Lieutenant?" The thought of retreating to the forward camp crossed her mind. But Seren buried it.

_Maker knows what's behind us now_.

Determined to complete her task, she replied, "Catch our breath. Then we keep going."

They rested for a few minutes. Seren couldn't take her eyes off the sky, the breach growing larger with every passing minute.

"Do you think it will stop growing?" The archer sat down beside her.

"I have no idea."

"Can we close it?" The scout looked so helpless.

"For now, we can keep fighting. Someone will know what's going on. Someone always does." Seren stood. "Right let's get moving."

The ground shook. A rift opened up just ahead.

_Andraste's tits, will they never give up?_

Demons poured out, more than before. And larger. Seren had never seen a terror demon before, only seen drawings in books. They looked even more terrifying in reality.

Wraiths followed the demons, floating through the air, glowing a ghastly green.

"Stand ready!" The monsters spotted them, beginning their attack. "Now!"

The two archers shot arrows, while Seren and the remaining scout ran forward.

The lieutenant swiped at the demons legs, taking them from under it. The terror demon fell. She whirled round, thrusting her sword into the monster's torso. A green flash, and she was thrown back, smashing her head against a wall.

Her ears rang, but the helmet took the majority of the impact. She stumbled to her feet and ran at the wraith, dodging the shots it flung in her direction. What Seren lacked in physical strength, she made up for in speed.

Another flash, blocked by her shield. She rammed it, then stole a hit with her sword, feeling the metal strike true. The wraith exploded, drawn back into the rift.

The archers were running low on arrows now, and the other scout was struggling, his strength waning as he fought the terror demon. Seren sprinted to his aid, striking a blow in the monster's back. It screamed and swung at her, knocking her to the ground.

_We can't keep doing this._

Then out of nowhere, an icy blast struck the demon. Seren saw figures approaching.

_The survivor?_

The woman from the temple ran forward clutching two daggers and attacked the demon, plunging the weapons in deep. Seren got to her feet, running to assist.

With the help of the survivor and her companions, the fight was over quickly. And then something amazing.

The survivor lifted her hand towards the rift, green light shooting from the mark on her hand, and it closed. Just like that. Gone.

Seren, consumed with astonishment, glanced at the companions the woman had brought with her. Cassandra, Varric and the bald elf, Seren thought to be named Solas, stood behind her.

"Lady Cassandra!"

"Lieutenant! You're alive!" Cassandra seemed equally surprised to see them.

"Just barely."

Solas turned to the survivor. "Sealed as before. You are becoming quite proficient at this."

"Let's hope it works on the big one." Varric said.

"Thank the Maker you arrived Lady Cassandra. I don't think we could have held out much longer." Relief consuming her.

"Thank our prisoner Lieutenant. She insisted we come this way." Seren turned to the survivor.

"It was worth saving you if we could." The woman smiled.

"Then you have my sincere gratitude." Seren bowed a little, thanking the stranger.

Cassandra spoke. "The way into the valley behind us is clear for the moment. Go, while you still can."

"At once. Quickly, let's move!" Seren led the scouts back the way they came, turning only to see the other group disappear up the path towards the temple.


	8. The Herald

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light duties and minor disputes...

The breach was no longer growing thanks to the survivor, who was now being referring to as the Herald of Andraste. The new name didn't sit very well for Seren. In truth, she couldn't ignore the fact that she'd seen a female form in the tear just before it closed but could it truly be the Maker's bride? It just seemed so fairy-tale.

_And life doesn't work that way._

The Herald had been unconscious now for three days and the Lieutenant had heard the hushed whispers, the rumours of her poor health, that she might not live.

_Well we're all buggered if she doesn't._

For the third day in a row, Seren sat at Cullen's desk, finishing both her own and his reports, after being put on light duties following her return from the mountain path.

She'd arrived back at the forward camp just as the Herald had tried to close the breach. The ground had shook again, but the hole remained in the sky. She'd fallen, exhaustion overwhelming her; the adrenaline that had kept her on her feet completely spent.

Seren sighed, feeling the cold stones beneath her knees, unable to find the energy to lift her heavy bones from where they rested, crumpled on the floor. Then Cullen had appeared, offering her a hand to help her stand. She took it wearily, thankful for his support.

"Commander." Acknowledging him gratefully.

"Lieutenant." He guided her over to the wall, which she happily leaned against.

Seren removed her helmet, hair falling to her shoulders, her face dripping with moisture. Cullen passed her a cloth, which she buried her face in, trying to ignore that everything was beginning to spin slightly.

"Well that was fun." She managed.

"I can imagine." He smiled stiffly. She used the cloth to wipe the nape of her neck, a breeze tossing her hair behind. When she pulled the cloth away, it was drenched in blood.

"Maker's breath! Seren, you're bleeding!" Alarmed, Cullen reached out as Seren went dizzy and lost her footing. She collapsed in his arms, her eyes drifting shut. "Rylen! Get a healer!"

"Right away Commander!"

"Seren! Can you hear me?"

"Yes I can hear you. Jeez you don't have to shout." She smacked him in the chest with the back of her hand.

"You're bleeding."

"So you've pointed out." She said faintly. She opened her eyes, found the world was still spinning and shut them sharpish. "I hit my head. Head's bleed… I'll be fine… help me up would you…?" She tried to push herself up.

"Just stay there." Pushing her back slightly. "Why didn't you say something straight away?"

"Cos I didn't realise I was bleeding stupid."

He smiled, unsurprised that she was still trying to make jokes. "You knew you'd hit your head."

"That bloody wraith fucking sent me into a wall." She opened one eye. Cullen was trying not to laugh. "It's not funny!" She exclaimed.

"No, you flying through the air and landing on your arse never is." She whacked him again. "Steady, or you'll hurt yourself." He teased.

"Grow up would you."

"Only if you do."

Rylen had arrived back with the healer, who declared Seren had a moderate concussion, healed the wound as best he could and then hurried off to deal with the other injured soldiers.

And, despite her protests, Cullen had put her on light duties until she had 'fully recovered'. She had to admit her head was sore, the occasional headache cropping up from time to time, but it was nothing she hadn't had to deal with before.

_He still treats me like a child, I swear he'd wrap me up in cotton wool if he could._

She signed her initials at the end of the report she was writing, sighed and put down her quill.

_I'm going to have to talk to him about. Wonderful. Fucking wonderful._

The candle that lit the desk was now just a stump, though the flame still flickered in the draught that came through the open tent flap, not quite ready to go out. Seren watched it for several moments, before deciding that if she was at the point where watching flames was entertaining, it was time to go for a walk. She blew out the candle.

She stood, stretched out the knots in her back from bending over the desk for hours, and then walked to the tent opening.

The bright afternoon light was painful. She lifted her hand to shield her eyes, squinting against the excessive light levels.

Once her eyes adjusted, she noticed people were crowding around.

_What's going on now? Nothing serious surely. I'd have been informed._

She strolled over to them, finally hearing the excited whispers.

_She's awake!_ They whispered.

_The Herald!_

_She's alive._

And there she was, the Herald herself, her short brown hair slightly dishevelled, an awkward expression on her face; a deer caught in headlights look in her blue eyes. She was making her way to the Chantry, most likely to find the Seeker, who had been fretting over the Herald's health since they had returned from the Temple.

The Herald caught her eye and even though Seren knew she wouldn't recognise her, she bowed slightly, smiling gently. The Herald smiled back, uncertain but friendly.

Others began to bow, seemingly Seren had started something.

_Always the trendsetter._ Seren sniggered, rolling her eyes.

The Herald disappeared from view and Seren turned towards the gate having decided to check on Lexi. A few recruits were practising by the tents, but there was no sign of the Commander, and she couldn't help feeling relieved. In her mind, the conversation they needed to have could wait as long as possible.

Lexi was stood in her stall as usual, munching on the feed the stable hands had left for her. The mare looked up when her owner entered, and whinnied.

"Hey girl. Good to see you too." Seren grabbed a brush from the shelf by the stable door, and entered the stall, careful to shut the gate behind her. "Beautiful girl." She cooed, beginning to brush Lexi's mane, enjoying the distraction. As she brushed, she spoke to her horse as she often did, telling her all that had happened.

After a good half hour, Seren heard footsteps approaching, but assuming it was only one of hands, she continued brushing Lexi.

"And now he's got me doing reports. Like I'm an invalid. I hit my head, I didn't lose a limb for Maker's sake."

"Talking to yourself. That's the first sign of madness I think." She felt the blood rush to her cheeks.

_He would be behind me._

Cullen lent on the stall door, arms crossed lazily in front of him, the corners of his lips curving into a smile, his eyes ablaze with mischief.

Seren tilted her head, trying to look unimpressed rather than embarrassed. "I'm not talking to myself. Lexi's listening." She kept brushing.

"Are you annoyed at me for looking after you?"

"Don't twist what I said." She couldn't look at him. "I'm just… I'm not a little girl anymore."

"I know that."

"Then why put me on light duties when I said I could handle it?" She spun round, wanting to see his face when he replied.

He hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck. "I thought you could use the rest. You've been working really…"

"Bullshit. Try again."

"Seren…"

"Admit it, you still see me as the eleven year old you used to climb trees with. Badly, might I add."

"I could climb trees perfectly…" She gave him a look. "Alright, maybe not perfectly..."

She sighed impatiently. "It's not going to work if you don't let me do my job! I know what I can do. And equally, I know what I can't. You just have to trust me Cullen."

"I do trust you." The mischief vanished, replaced by sincerity. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted." She smiled and changed the subject.  _That's enough confrontation for one day._

"So the Herald's awake then."

"That she is. And the Inquisition is official. Or at least, will be very soon."

Seren nodded, then asked "What do you think of her?"

"She seems determined to help"

"Why does that sound ominous?"

"She is..."

"Lacking?"

"I wouldn't put it…"

"She's a noble."

"How did you know?" The Commander asked astounded.

Seren shrugged. "She walks like she's got a stick up her arse."

"Ahh yes, the most reliable class identification." He teased.

"I got it right didn't I?"

"True." He conceded.

"She's not the eldest in her family?"

"No."

"Well, there you go."

Cullen looked confused.

"She's not the heir, so she won't have been trained as rigorously. She seemed to be hold her own up on the mountain path though."

"She wants to go to the mages for help to close the breach." She could see this fact bothered him.

"You think she should go to the Templars?"  _Still? After everything?_ Seren couldn't bring herself to say her true thoughts out loud.

"They could deal with the breach as effectively, if not more so. It is reckless to introduce more magic."

"I suppose."

"You don't agree?"

"I… I'm glad it's not my decision." Cullen wanted to pursue the matter, but he let it drop, not wanting to cause another argument.

There was a pause, as they thought of something to say.

"The Inquisition could use a few more horses by the look of it." He couldn't help noticing the many empty stalls.

"You should find Master Dennet." It was out before Seren could stop it.

"Master Dennet?"

"He's… He was the horsemaster for the Arl of Redcliffe, but he retired a few years ago to one of the Redcliffe farms. He's the best horsemaster I've ever known, knows what he's talking about and gets the job done."

"He would help us?"

Seren thought about it. "If we had something to offer him or did him a favour, I don't see why not. He's a bit… temperamental though."

"I see. I'll suggest it. It can't hurt to try, right?" Cullen stood as if to leave, hesitated and said, "From now on Lieutenant, as long as the healer agrees, you are off light duties."

"Thank you Commander." Then he was gone.


	9. The Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone wins while the other loses...

"You there! There's a shield in your hand. Block with it! If this man were your enemy, you'd be dead." Cullen shouted, shaking his head, exasperated. They seemed to be getting nowhere quickly and it was beginning to take its toll on the Commander. He was struggling, weary from restless nights fighting demons and the endless number of reports that required his attention.

"Don't hold back recruit." Seren stood by a pair as they fought one another, watching their technique, both to praise and critique. "Not like that. Like this." She demonstrated a sweep, displaying the proper footwork and follow through. The recruit nodded, and mimicked the move. "Yes, perfect."

She moved over to the training dummies, satisfied the recruits could carry on independently. A young female volunteer was busy bashing away. Seren grimaced, watching as the recruit left herself wide open, of course to an attack that would never come, but one that certainly would in reality.

"Steady on. You'll be taking the stuffing out in a minute."

"Sorry Lieutenant." The woman stepped back, embarrassed.

"It's okay. What's your name recruit?"

"Brett, Ser. Louise Brett."

"Well Brett, you're at a slight disadvantage. One that I too share." Seren stepped up to one of the training dummies. "You see, we can never be as strong as men. As a result, we've always got to be at the top of our game." She brought her sword down across the dummies torso, then spun away from the invisible attack of her opponent.

"We have to be fast, sharp and skilled. You have to spot your enemy's weakness and exploit it." She went for the legs, then blocked with her shield. "But equally, we must know when to defend and not leave ourselves open to attack."

Seren went in for the 'kill', expecting the soft fabric to absorb the force of the hit, only to feel, and hear, the clash of metal. The impact reverberated up her arm, a gasp escaping from her lips.

"Should we see if there is meaning in your words?" Cullen smiled, one eyebrow raised as he offered his challenge. Seren's lips curled.

"It would be my pleasure." The two withdrew their swords, taking their positions.

The Commander's face became a mask of sobriety. He attacked, a strike that Seren easily dodged, returning an attempt of her own, which he blocked with his shield. Her sword smashed on the metal, but she recovered and returned to her starting stance.

He came again, their swords clashing, but he was stronger, she couldn't hold it for long. She pulled back her sword, spinning away just in time, his sword only narrowly missing her.

_He's not messing around._

He watched her intently, a hawk eyeing his prey. All the recruits were watching now, some were even cheering, others heckling.

He landed several more blows on her shield, weakening her arm with every hit. She returned as many as she could, but he could read her, knew exactly where she would target, predicting every attack, defending accordingly.

_Well this is going to be embarrassing._

For a time, they continued to exchange blows, a never-ending cycle of countering then retaliating, and both were growing slower with every passing minute. Cullen's curls glistened with moisture, while Seren could feel the trails of sweat as they etched their path down her cheeks, down her neck.

Seren made a snap decision, something he wouldn't expect.

_It's my only chance._

She ran at him, bracing herself for the impact. Their shields collided, the shock running up her arm, but she heard him grunt, not expecting the full force of her weight to come charging into him. He lent forward, trying to push her back. Over their shields, they glared at each other.

Seren whirled to her right, retracting her shield arm as she went.

The Commander stumbled forward but regained his footing, though not for long. His Lieutenant rammed him from behind. He fell to his knees, the point of her sword resting on his back. The recruits cheered.

"And that's how you do it." She smiled triumphantly, wiping the perspiration from her brow with the back of her hand. "Be unexpected, but not stupid. Never stupid." She withdrew, returning her sword to its sheath. Cullen got to his feet, smiling despite his defeat.

"I guess congratulations are in order." He extended his hand, which Seren took and shook.

"Nah. You can buy the first round tonight though."

"Deal." He laughed.

Seren addressed the recruits. "Right you lazy lot, funs over. Back to it!"

Once they were all suitable occupied again, Cullen leant close to Seren, lowering his voice. "Well I'm never going to live that down."

"I don't know what you mean." She smiled, ignoring his gaze, pretending to watch the training closely. "Hadn't we decided on a  _demonstration_  designed to boost morale, especially within the female ranks? I, for one, think it worked rather well. Very convincing."

"That's not what happened."

"No?" Feigning ignorance, she pretended to think about it, then shrugged. "Ah well, that's how I remember it."

They didn't speak for a while, watching the recruits practise in silence. Seren spoke first.

"You always used to let me win."

"I never…" Seren gave him one of her looks. "Yes. Yes, I did." He confessed.

"I knew it!" A small laugh, pleased as always to know she was right all along.

"You'd get upset otherwise. You weren't a very gracious loser."

Seren laughed, thinking back to when she'd ran off in a tantrum that one time Cullen had won. She'd climbed an apple tree in the orchard that grew near her home and had refused to come down when he'd called to her.

Eventually, he'd began to climb the tree. He made it half way up, Seren telling him to go back down, that she didn't want to see him, calling him names from her perch at the top. But he'd kept climbing.

Up until his foot missed the branch and he'd fallen out of the tree, hitting the ground with a thud. Seren had screamed.

She dropped from branch to branch, her heart pounding, tears pouring from her eyes. She shouted his name but he didn't reply. She was convinced he was dead.

When she reached his side, she'd shaken him, begging him not to be dead, desperately apologising through her sobs.

_If he's dead, I'll just die. Don't be dead. I'm sorry, so sorry. Please don't be dead._

Leisurely, he'd opened his eyes, a smile spreading across his face.

' _Got you.'_

"Maker, I was an awful child. Why did you ever put up with me?" She asked.

"You weren't too bad. Just attention seeking." She elbowed him in the side. "Ouch. Don't you think you've dented my pride enough for one day?"

"Maybe. You still owe me a drink though."

The beating of hooves interrupted them. The Herald had returned from the Hinterlands.


	10. A Couple of Beers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When someone doesn't want to be found...

The tavern was crowded to say the least. And loud. Very loud. Seren had secured the corner table, and was nursing a beer quietly, enjoying the time to herself.

Her day had been hectic. The Herald had not only come back with the rebel mages, who all needed accommodation and Seren had pulled the short straw having to deal with that, but Master Dennet had arrived as well. And suddenly, Haven was no longer the small, isolated village in the Frostback Mountains.

In truth, she was hiding. She'd finished housing the last few mages, couldn't face the reports that sat on her desk and thought that the last place people would think to look for her, would indeed be the tavern. So here she was, sitting on her own in the corner, trying to pretend that the drunken recruits didn't bother her. And of course there were the Chargers, who never seemed to leave, unless to relieve themselves or to sleep.

She lifted the cup to her lips and found it empty. She sighed, placing it back on the table. Glancing around the room, Seren noted the distinct lack of messengers.

_I've still got time for another._

She rose from the bench and made her way to the bar, darting past the drunken patrons as they jostled in a merry fashion. Seren and one of the mercenaries reached the bar at the same time.

She was surprised when he said "Ladies first." Gesturing towards the bartender for her to order.

"Thank you." She smiled gratefully, before turning to the bartender. "Another beer please." The Charger ordered the same.

Seren was just about to scurry back to her seat, when he said "You're the Commander's Second right?"

She stopped in her tracks. Smiling politely, she replied "That's me."

"I haven't seen you in here before." He brought his cup to his mouth and took a long drink.

"Ah, yes. I'm usually still working but well…in truth I'm hiding." She confessed.

"Hiding?" The Charger looked confused.

"Yes." She admitted shamefully. "From the messengers. I just wanted a few hours off." The Charger laughed heartily, which took Seren by surprise. She hadn't expected him to find her lack of enthusiasm for the job amusing.

"I know that feeling. I'm Cremisius Aclassi, but everyone calls me Krem." He smiled.

Seren recognised the name, and then it hit her. "You're  _Iron Bull's_  Second right?"

"Guilty as charged." He bowed dramatically, which gained a lot of cheers from the other Chargers.

Unable to contain her laughter, Seren replied, "Seren, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise." He went back to leaning slightly on the bar.

The door to the tavern opened, and a messenger entered, his eyes searching the room. When he neglected to shut the door, several shouts of ' _Close the bloody door',_ along with many cruder variations of the phrase, went up. The messenger spotted the Lieutenant at the bar.

_Shit, they found me._

"Busted." Krem joked, tipping his beer slightly in the direction of the approaching messenger.

"Ser."

"What is it?"

"The Commander requires your assistance."

"Of course. Right away." She passed her untouched beer to Krem, which he quite happily accepted. "Have another on me. It was nice to meet you." Before Krem could reply, Seren had left the tavern in pursuit of the messenger.


	11. Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Haven celebrates, perhaps prematurely...

By lunchtime the following day, everything was over. The Herald had led the mages up the mountain to the remains of the Temple of Sacred Ashes early that morning, and now all that remained of the breach was a scar in the sky to serve as a reminder.

Upon their return, the celebrations had begun. Practically every keg of ale was opened and drained in quick succession, so by the evening all of Haven's residents were merrily dancing and singing in the streets, care-free for the first time in weeks. All except one.

Seren sat in her tent, finalising reports by candlelight, still sipping the first beer she had been handed many hours previous. When the celebration had first begun she had joined in, but something was troubling her that she couldn't put her finger on, a niggling thought at the back of her mind which she couldn't quite shake.

_Something's wrong, very wrong._

Cullen had told her of the Grey Warden disappearances the night before, just in passing, a trivial fact from the day he'd overheard from a conversation between Leliana and the Herald. But it had bothered her.

Seren thought back to the night the Queen had gone 'travelling', of the secret she had shared, one that Seren still held to this day. She wondered if the two things were connected. But the King was still in Denerim. He hadn't vanished. It didn't make sense, so Seren had retreated to her tent, needing space to mull it over.

"Seren?" Cullen appeared at the tent flap.

"In here." At the sound of her voice he entered, squinting through the gloom.

"Maker's breath, you're not actually working?"

"No I'm writing love letters. Would you like one?" He blushed a little. She shook her head, a small smile on her lips. "I'm just finishing a few things."

"Your Commander must be a real slave driver."

She laughed. "Nah, he's alright." She carried on writing but Cullen didn't move.

"Come on Seren, it can wait till tomorrow. Join the celebrations while they last." When Seren didn't respond, he added "Don't make me order you."

She laughed a little. "You are persistent." She gave up. "Fine, I'm coming. Grab me a drink will you. Proper Ferelden stuff though. None of that flowery Orlesian shite."

"Your wish is my command." And he left the tent.

The nagging feeling still gripped her heart as she blew out the candles.

Cullen turned to check she was actually following before disappearing into the crowd, as she exited her tent. She reluctantly trailed after him, knowing that alcohol was not the best idea in her current state of mind.

_One drink. You can manage one drink. And smile, for Maker's sake smile. Happy thoughts…_

When Seren caught up, the Commander was in conversation with a mage, his cheeks slightly flushed, laughing nervously. He looked relieved when she approached. He handed her a drink.

"Sorry to interrupt." The Commander opened his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted by the mage.

"Not at all. The more the merrier. You must be the lovely Lady Seren I have been hearing so much about."

"No Lady, just Seren." She replied before she could stop herself.

"If you insist."

"And you are…?"

"Of course, how careless of me! I am Dorian of house Pavus, at your service." He reached out, grabbed her free hand and kissed it before Seren could resist.

"A pleasure…" Glancing at Cullen, an 'is this guy for real?' look on her face. He returned it with a 'you'll get used to it' look.

"I find it strange that we have not been introduced before now. Where have you been hiding this beauty Commander?"

Seren coughed on her drink, spluttering "Beauty? Are you kidding me?"

"I may joke about many things Lieutenant, but beauty is not one of them. Nor is hygiene for that matter. It strikes me that the South has this unique and…" He sniffed the air. "Pungent smell."

"And Tervinter lacks this I'm assuming?" She raised an eyebrow, trying to read Dorian.

"It has a different variety, yes." He grinned devilishly, and Seren could not deny he was rather handsome, in a conceited, egotistical sort of way. She couldn't help feeling like he was studying her too.

The Commander shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another, which did not go unnoticed by Dorian.

"It appears we are neglecting the Commander." He said without removing his gaze from Seren.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. "No its…"

"I shall leave you two. Drinks to see, people to consume, or something along those lines." He winked at Cullen, who went bright red, and then he strode off in a way only Dorian Pavus could manage.

Seren eyed Cullen, raised an eyebrow, a teasing smile spreading across her face. "Did I  _miss_  something?" The Commander blushed deeper.

"No, no not at all."

_I definitely missed something._  Her smirk grew.

"Honestly. Nothing. You missed nothing. We were just talking…"

"About?" She persevered, determined to get to the bottom of it.

"Well… you actually." He was rubbing the back of his neck again, an awkward look in his features

"Me?" She was shocked. "What were you saying?" She demanded, worrying she was the butt-end of some joke.

Cullen saw her face. "Nothing bad I promise. I was just…telling him about you."

"I see." Still confused, she let it drop.

Unexpectedly, a recruit who'd had a tad too much to drink bumped into Seren from behind, pushing her forward into Cullen.

"Watch it recruit!" The Commander shouted.

"Maker! Ser, I'm sorry…" The recruit tried to stand to attention, failed miserably and ended up on the floor.

Seren and Cullen glanced at the recruit, amusement clear on their faces, both stifling laughs. It was then she realised that the Commander was still gripping her arms, his cup lying on the floor, his drink splashed across the cobbles, running along the channels between the stones. She looked up, his amber eyes scanning her own face, his features soft and charming. For one moment, she thought he was going to kiss her.

And in that moment she wanted him too. How she wanted him to pull her close, to feel his lips pressed against hers, for him to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. She wanted to run her fingers through his blonde curls, to feel the heat of his skin in contrast to the sharp chill of the mountain air. She wanted to feel…

A horn blared. Seren's heart stopped.

_We're being attacked._

Cullen let go, his features suddenly unreadable and set, his eyes hollow, dead. "I've got to…"

"Go." He looked at her one more time before racing towards the gate.


	12. Too Close For Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Haven is attacked...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one doesn't follow the events of Inquisition entirely as it happens in the game. I may have fiddled around with a few things to better suit my story. The next one won't quite follow true either, for reasons that will become apparent to you...

Once the Herald and her companions had dashed through, Seren slammed the Chantry doors shut.

The dragon had been an unexpected plot twist, destroying one of the trebuchets and causing the Inquisition to retreat to the safety of the only stone-built building in Haven.

They'd had the upper hand and then it was gone, snatched cruelly from their grasps. The Commander had ordered their withdrawal and the forces had obliged, desperately trying to save as many from the village as they could. Seren had carried a young boy, who'd been separated from his mother. He'd been so scared, his face a flood of tears. She tried to comfort him as she ran, ducking and dodging as debris from the dragon's wrath flew in all directions, but he was inconsolable. Thankfully his mother had made it to the Chantry, emotionally expressing her gratitude to the Lieutenant as she took him from her.

Seren turned and lent against the door, trying to catch her breath. Cullen ran up to the Herald, declaring 'Our position is not good.'

 _No shit Cullen. I think she can see that for herself._ Seren cursed herself for grumbling.  _He's just telling it how it is._

Then she heard  _'no tactics'_ and  _'survivable'_  in one sentence and all her worst fears were confirmed.

_We're all dead._

She glanced around the Chantry, at all the terrified faces, drawn to the children that would never get to grow up, never experience the world, never fall in love...

The young boy she had rescued caught her eye. His mother cradled him close, whispering comforts in his ear, and he'd stopped crying.

_He thinks he's safe now._

"We're dying but we can decide how." She heard the Commander say. "Many don't get that choice." He caught Seren's eye.

_This is it then. The end._

_Well if I'm going to die in this Maker forsaken shithole, I'm not going down without a fight._

Seren moved to a group of recruits, telling them to ready themselves. They would be loading the trebuchets, she'd said. A recruit asked if they were going to die. She didn't have an answer, not one they'd want to hear.

_Now is not the time recruit._

Then Cole, the strange and ghostly boy that had arrived at the gates as it all began, spoke. Chancellor Roderick mumbled something about a path. An escape route.

More talking that Seren couldn't quite hear. A decision.

"Inquisition!" Cullen turned to the people. "Follow Chancellor Roderick through the Chantry." He jogged to Seren. "I'll lead these men Lieutenant. Go with the Inquisition."

Puzzled, she kept her voice low. "With all due respect Commander, you're less dispensable than I am."

"That's an order Lieutenant."

Seren was infuriated. "Cullen, you need to be with the Inquisition." She replied through gritted teeth.

_What is he doing?_

"Do not argue with me. We haven't got time for your heroics." He growled, glaring at her, daggers in his eyes.

"If you think I'm leaving now, you are mistaken! Not when I have a job to do."  _There's only one thing I can say to change your mind. Forgive me._

"Just trust me for once." Stunned, Cullen's features softened, hurt.

_I can do this._

She embraced his hesitation, taking it as the acceptance she needed.

"Now go! They need their Commander, not some lowly Lieutenant!" She exclaimed, flushed with anger. She turned her attention to the men. "With me!"

He grabbed her arm, his expression tortured. "I… Maker be with you."

"And you." He released his grasp.

She ran out the door, closely followed by her squad, without looking back.

They had the trebuchet loaded in minutes, the Herald and her companions keeping the enemy off their backs. Once it was done, she ordered her men back to the Chantry, the dragon looming overhead.

_Run for your lives._

She was going to retreat too but something stopped her. The Herald's companions ran past, telling her to get back, but there was no sign of the Herald herself. Seren stood, her feet fixed to the ground.

_I can't leave now._

The dragon was no longer in the sky.

_Meaning that son of a bitch has landed. Two guesses where._

Making up her mind, Seren turned on her heels sprinting back towards the trebuchet. She went the long way, hoping not to be seen, keeping low and to the shadows.

She scrambled up the slope, the top of the trebuchet just in sight, trying to be as quiet as humanly possible. The snow, cold to her touch, creaked under her weight.

As she crawled, the dragon's head came into view. And then another figure.

_The Elder One._

_Jeez, he makes demons look cute and cuddly. This wasn't one of my better ideas…_

Seren hesitated, watching as the Elder one spoke with the Herald.

_Well it's now or never._

Suitably decided that their attention was fixed elsewhere, Seren made a run for it, slipping under the shadow of the trebuchet. The dragon's head whirled round, inhaling slowly.

Lying flat, her heart pounded, adrenaline surging through her veins.

_It knows I'm here. I'm dead. So dead._

Unable to control her breathing, she waited for death to come.

She thought about praying, knowing that was what Cullen would be doing if he were in her place. But instead, she settled on thinking of him. Of them. Of their childhoods together, of climbing trees, scraping knees, fighting invisible monsters with sticks, inseparable and content. Their stories forever entwined. She hadn't admitted it to herself before, but now, awaiting the eternity without him, Seren knew she loved him. Had always loved him. And always would.

She didn't know if he felt the same, but equally she didn't care.

 _Life is too short after all._ A small, sad smile spread across her face.

A loud thud disturbed Seren from her thoughts, as the Herald hit the trebuchet with force. She landed hard, her face contorted with pain. She opened her eyes, finding Seren's in the dark. Surprise registered on her face, then mild relief, realising she was not fighting alone.

An unspoken agreement went between them.

The Herald scrambled for a sword, dragging herself to her feet, having to lean on the wood for support. A distraction for what needed to be done.

Seren crouched, ready to play her part.

The signal, a single flaming arrow, in the distance.

"You must die." A voice low and harsh. A voice from the depths of nightmares.

"Your arrogance blinds you. Good to know." She turned to Seren. "Now!"

Seren leapt from the shadows, hitting the release, the trebuchet firing its load up into the mountains.

The avalanche rushed towards them, the Herald and Seren side by side as they ran from its might.

And then they were falling. Falling into darkness.


	13. Past Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few memories and a sprained ankle...

' _There was no word for heaven or for earth, for sea or sky. All that existed was silence. Then the Voice of the Maker rang out. The first Word, and his Word became all that might be: dream and idea, hope and fear, endless possibilities.'_

Is it possible to die of boredom? _Seren wondered, from her seat up in the apple tree. She sighed, closing the book Mother Leticia had instructed that she read. Cullen had received no such assignment._

Goody two shoes, _she grumbled._

_Hearing someone coming, Seren had ripped open the book, pretending to be immersed in the text, not wanting another lecture from the Chantry Mother. But it was only Cullen._

"What you doing?"  _He asked, his head back so he could see her._

"What does it look like stupid?"

_He tilted his head to one side, scrunching his eyes automatically, trying to read the spine._

" _You're_  reading the Chant of Light?"  _He asked incredulously, one eyebrow raised._

"Mother Leticia made me."  _She whined. "_ She said I had to learn it. But it's so  _boring_!"

"Where are you up to?"

"The first Word. Just after the endless possibilities bit."  _She declared proudly._

"And from it made his firstborn. And he said to them; In My image I forge you, to you I give dominion over all that exists. By you will may all things be done."  _He finished the end of the verse. Seren was not impressed._

"Show-off."  _Disgruntled,_  s _he turned the page._

"I have something to tell you." _Cullen beamed, unable to contain his excitement any longer._

"What?"  _Seren asked, eyes wide, secretly hoping that his mother had made cookies again._ "Wait, I'll come down!"

_She dropped the book to the floor, which Cullen hastily picked up, wiping it with the bottom of his shirt._   _Within seconds, Seren had hopped down from the tree to his side. He handed the book to her._

"What is it then?"  _She asked eagerly._

"I'm going to be a Templar!"  _He exclaimed, the biggest grin on his face. He could barely keep still, fidgeting with enthusiasm._

"Oh!"  _Seren's face dropped, her heart suddenly heavy in her chest, panic rising._

He's leaving. Cullen's leaving.

"Isn't it great! The Knight-Commander is talking to my parents now. He really thinks I can do it, that I can be a real Templar! Can you believe it?"  _He turned to her expectantly._

"No."  _His face fell._

"Oh I thought…"  _He mumbled, lost and unsure how to continue._

"No, it's brilliant news!"  _She forced a smile, fighting the tightening in her throat, a crushing weight on her shoulders. He smiled back, instantly forgetting her blunder._

"I know right! I'm going to be a Templar. A  _real_  Templar."  _He marvelled at the words, testing them on his tongue, unable to quite believe it all himself._

_Seren grabbed him, hugging him tighter than she would normally, thinking that if she held him long enough he might change his mind, or offer to take her with him. No offer came._

_Even with her arms wrapped around him, Seren knew she'd already lost him, realisation sitting heavy on her heart._

Seren opened her eyes. Her body ached all over and glancing around, she had no idea where she was or how she'd got there. Icicles hung from the ceiling, although directly above her was a gaping hole, exposing the cave to the elements. She felt something brush her hand, saw movement in her peripheral vision.

The Herald was slipping back into consciousness, and everything came flooding back. Haven, the dragon, the avalanche. Cullen…

Seren sat up, panic gripping her heart.

_We've got to move._

"Herald?" She whispered. When no response came, Seren spoke louder, gently shaking the Herald's arm. She stirred, blinking against the light.

"Where… where are we?"

"Somewhere under Haven I'm guessing. Or at least what's left of it."

"We're alive?"

"Well if this is Heaven, I want a refund." The Herald laughed lightly.

"It's Seren, isn't it?"

"Yes Ser. I'm infamous it seems."

"The Commander has spoken of you often. Especially of your sense of humour." Seren laughed.

"That sounds like Cullen."

"How do you think we get out of here?"

"I guess we head that way and hope there's an exit." Seren got to her feet, but the Herald was struggling, her face twisted in pain. "Do you need a hand?"

"No. I can manage. Thank you though." Once standing, the Herald lent awkwardly to one side, avoiding putting any weight on her right foot. "I think I've sprained my ankle." She said weakly.

"Here." Seren lifted the Herald's arm over her shoulder, taking some of her weight. "Team effort."

"Thank you." The Herald replied gratefully.

The walk through the tunnel was laborious to say the least, but they eventually found the way out into the unforgiving wilderness of the Frostback Mountains.

A blizzard was raging, bitter winds driving snow so cold and hard it felt more like small droplets of ice when it hit their faces, stinging like needles till their cheeks went numb. The drifts beneath their feet came up to their knees, making every step a challenge, a test of endurance.

The Herald was fading, their pace slowing with every passing minute. Seren was practically having to drag her, carrying their combined weights with the remainder of her waning strength.

_I can do this. We can make it. We have to make it._

After what felt like hours, Seren had to stop. She saw cover under a few isolated trees and made a beeline for it, her pace increasing slightly with a renewed sense of determination. She placed her hand against the tree from support, then helped the Herald to sit.

"We'll just rest here a minute, Ser. Just so I can catch my breath."

"Please Seren, my name is Maegan. You've saved me twice now, I think we should be able to speak as equals." Maegan spoke faintly, having to focus on every word, every syllable.

"We're not quite safe yet."

"Seren, I'm so cold…so tired…"

"Maegan. Listen to me." Seren said firmly. "If you go to sleep now, you're dead. You have to stay awake. Stay with me, Maegan."

"You should…go…leave me…"

"Not an option. We're going to make it. And there's going to be warm blankets and hot food and…" Then Seren noticed something. Carved into the tree, under her fingers, peeking through the gaps. An arrow. Her eyes lit up.

"Son of a bitch!" Maegan jumped. "Sorry, it's just… well it's Cullen. I know where they've gone. Or at least what direction…"

"What are you…"

"Sorry, I ramble a lot. Bad habit." She looked at the Herald, a huge smile spreading across her face. "When we were children we used to go for these long walks. Adventures, we called them, but that's not the point. You see, we'd scratch arrows into the trees we went past, so we could find our way back home." She felt the tears in her eyes, the relief overwhelming. "He's leading us home."

"He knew you'd survive." Maegan said softly.

"He knew  _we'd_  survive."

She helped the Herald to her feet, bearing most of her weight as before. Seren staggered in the direction the arrow had indicated, eventually finding another, and another. They kept moving, finding more and more signs of activity, discarded cooking equipment, the remnants of fires and more arrow carvings in tree trunks, the symbol of hope that Seren needed to carry on.

Another fire pit. But this one had embers, still warm but fading.

_We're close._

"Nearly there." She murmured, but Maegan was almost unconscious, barely able to keep her eyes open, never mind keeping her feet moving one in front of the other. "Maegan. We're so close. Don't…"

"There! It's them." Cullen's voice drifting on the wind. Seren thought she'd imagined it at first but there he was, running towards them, that Maker-awful cloak still wrapped around his torso.

_That thing would have bloody survived._

"Thank the Maker!" The Seeker's voice.

Seren dropped to her knees, safe in the knowledge that they had made it. Two guards took the Herald, carrying her down to the camp that glowed in the valley below. Cullen grabbed her arm.

"Maker, I thought… Can you stand?"

"I… Sure." She tried to lift herself, but nothing worked, her limbs refusing to listen to the signals from her brain. Cullen realising that she couldn't, picked her up, cradling her like a child.

"It's okay. I've got you." As he walked, she explored his face with her eyes, the scar across his lip, the trace of dark stubble, the exposed skin of his neck disappearing beneath…

Secure in his arms, Seren drifted, content in his protection.


	14. Kind Gestures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which spirits are lifted...

Seren slept restlessly, struggling against the cold that chilled her bones. The freezing breeze seeped through the blanket, the snowy landscape infiltrating her dreams. She was lost and alone, desperately searching for shelter in the white wasteland.

Then the chill had vanished, her sleep became more peaceful and eventually she awoke. Something tickled her cheek.

_Fur?_

_Cullen's cloak._

She could smell him, his musty scent flooding her senses. Semi-consciously, she rolled onto her side, wrapping herself more tightly in the material. She could almost feel his arm around her waist, his breath on her neck, in her hair…

_Steady on Seren._ She warned herself, her heart beating faster, her breathing erratic.  _He lent you his cloak, because you were cold. He hasn't exactly professed his undying love for you._

She propped herself up on her elbow, breathing slowly in an attempt to regain control of her overactive imagination.

"You're awake."

Seren's head whipped round, finding Cullen sat watching her from the bed to her left.

"Shit you scared me." Heat rushed to her cheeks, heart pounding. "Have you been there the whole time? While I've been asleep, I mean?"

_Nice save._ Inwardly, Seren cursed herself, hoping he'd miss her slip up.

"On and off. I had to make sure you were alright."

"Is the Herald…"

"She's fine. Sleeping but fine." He hesitated. "Did you carry her the whole way?"

"I… did what I had to." Neither spoke for a time, trying to find the words. Cullen appeared to suddenly find the ground remarkably interesting.

"When you didn't come back…I thought you'd… that something had happened." He looked up, his eyes burning, his face set and unreadable. "Why didn't you come back to…with the men?" His tone was steady, perhaps a hint of bitterness. Seren couldn't keep his gaze.

"I thought I could help."

"That wasn't your job."

"No. But I did help, so it all worked out for the best."

"You could have died!" He exclaimed, his words tumbling out louder than he had anticipated. Several heads turned, stunned by the sudden outburst. Rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassed by the attention he had drawn, Cullen took a deep breath, and lowered his voice. "You could have died Seren, and I don't know what I would have done if… you had."

She didn't know what to say. Her heart ached from the pain she had clearly caused him, but at the same time, she couldn't help being a little pleased. He cared. Really cared. He wanted her to be safe, to live.

_But there's a difference between wanting me to live and wanting me to live by his side. And there's a giant difference between caring and loving…_

"I know. But I'm still here." She smiled. "You can't get rid of me that easy Cullen Rutherford."

He laughed a little, for her benefit. "I'm glad of that." He replied honestly, a strange look in his eyes; one that sent Seren's heart fluttering, the blood rushing to her cheeks, knots forming in her stomach.

She looked around for an excuse to avoid eye-contact, realising just what the Inquisition had been reduced to; a community of hastily constructed tents in the middle of nowhere.

_Not exactly inspiring…_

"So what's the plan? Because I'm guessing that no-one will take us seriously if we're having to hide out in some snowy valley in this less than charming part of the world."

"That's one way of putting it." He sighed. "In honesty, I'm not sure." Seren noticed the strain in his features, saw how on edge he looked. For once, Cullen didn't have the answers Seren was looking for. "We don't know where we are right now for sure, so planning has become… a little heated."

"I can imagine." Then because his spirits seemed so low, she said "It'll be okay though. You'll work it out."

"I hope so." He held her gaze, his face blank but he seemed comforted by Seren's words.

And then Mother Giselle began to sing, the lyrics filling the forlorn silence, the melody enchanting its listeners. Both the Commander and his second turned to listen. Then he stood, offering her his hand.

Leliana added her voice, her voice soft and beautiful as a bird might sing, bewitching the attention of everyone in proximity.

Seren placed her hand in his, picked herself up from the bed and they walked together, joining the crowd that was growing in the firelight.

_The night is long and the path is dark._

Cullen joined in, his voice strong, assured, along with the many recruits that surrounded them. He didn't let go of her hand, nor she his. Taking a deep breath, she let the words escape her lips, a weight lifting from her soul.

_Look to the sky, for one day soon._

_The dawn will come._


	15. Counting Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey to Skyhold...

At last, they had a destination; Skyhold. Seren was pleased to know they had somewhere to go. Less pleased to find out that it was still in the Frostbacks.

"I'm beginning to get the feeling that we're never going to leave this hell hole."

"Where is your sense of adventure?" Cullen teased, packing the final items into his saddlebag.

"It died. A long time ago."

Due to a lack of tents, a result of the hurried evacuation, Cullen and Seren had been sharing for the past few nights. At first, this had seemed like a wonderful opportunity to spend some quality time with him but in reality, both were busy from dawn until dusk; the Commander was busy making arrangements with the rest of the inner circle, leaving Seren to deal with everything else. And there was a lot of everything else, each task growing in tediousness.

By the time they were alone, neither were in the mood to talk. Cullen usually fell asleep within minutes, leaving Seren to lie quietly in the dark, listening to his breathing, unable to sleep.

Every time she closed her eyes, the flashbacks would start.

" _Forces approaching! To arms!"_

_The rush for equipment, the snapped commands, the shouting, screams, a million unanswered questions and the sea of anxious faces hidden in metal casings._

" _Inquisition with the Herald!" He'd caught her eye, his face set, playing his role. The recruits shaking, the nervous coughs. The bead of sweat running down from her hairline, down her forehead, into her eyes, beneath the helmet._

" _For your lives! For all of us!" He shouted, rallying them, many to their deaths._

_Templars corrupted with red lyrium. The trebuchet. Never-ending numbers of Templars. The release. The avalanche._

_Premature celebration._

_The dragon._

Her heart would pound, bolting upwards in a cold sweat. After that, she wouldn't even bother trying to sleep.

Cullen was having nightmares again, although when she thought about it, she had no idea if they had ever stopped.

The first night, he had startled her as she lay in the dark, his sudden thrashing, his begging, interrupting her from the imaginary sheep she'd been meticulously counting in an attempt to induce unconsciousness. She'd woken him gently, Cullen apologising profusely until he once again drifted asleep. Seren would then find herself waiting for the next nightmare, the next time she'd save him from the terrible games his mind was playing on him.

Her one comfort, was that he didn't know she was struggling too.

_He's got enough on his plate without worrying about me._

"Ser?" A recruit appeared at the tent opening, tearing Seren from her thoughts.

"Yes Brett?"

"Your tent is the next on the list to be dismantled, Ser."

"Thank you." He turned to Seren. "Have you got everything?"

She looked down at her saddlebag, the belongings that weren't truly hers, as there had been no time to save her things. She didn't even know if Lexi had survived.

Master Dennet had released all of the horses before the Templars had reached them, in the hope that they would be able to get far enough away to escape the avalanche. Slowly, over the last few days, the scouts were finding them but so far Lexi had not returned.

"Yes." Seren grabbed the bag and left before Cullen could offer any more comforting words that she would have to swallow with a forced smile.

She strode into the harsh morning light, the snow reflecting the sun's glare in all directions, impossible to avoid. She brought her arm up to her forehead, squinting as she glanced around the camp.

_Something to do. Anything to do... no more sympathies._

She spotted two recruits struggling to collapse a tent. Dropping her bag, she hurried over to assist. They gratefully thanked their Lieutenant, so she followed to help with the rest.

Within half an hour, the camp was nothing more than the dead fire pits they were leaving behind, everything packed and loaded.

Seren, responsible for a group of evacuated Haven residents, was making her final checks when Brett ran up to her.

"Ser!"

"What is it recruit?"

"Master Dennet says you are to come right away! They found your horse." Before Brett could even finish, Seren was running. She pushed past people who were milling around, apologising as she barged them out of the way.

"Seren?" Cullen shouted when she ran past him.

"They found her!" She cried, grinning widely. She ran to where the horses were, not caring that her lungs were burning as she breathed in the freezing mountain air.

And there she was, standing calmly as Master Dennet checked her out, her mane dancing in the wind.

_She's alive. Really alive._

"Master Dennet!" Lexi neighed at her owner, and Seren fought back the tears stinging in her eyes.

"No need to shout Seren. I may be older, but I'm certainly not deaf."

"Sorry!" She finally reached the pair, out of breath but thrilled. "How's she looking?"

"Everything seems to be in working order. But she's tired, so I don't suggest you ride her."

"Of course. Thank you!" She threw her arms around Dennet, who stood awkwardly, completely bemused.

"When did you become a hugger?"

"I've always been a hugger, you were just a grouch." She let go, turning to Lexi, stroking her neck. The horse nuzzled into her owner's chest.

"Charming as ever I remember." Dennet smiled as he walked away.

Seren led Lexi back to where her group were waiting, and with the Herald leading the way, what remained of the Inquisition began its journey.

If it had been flat, they would have arrived at Skyhold in little over a day. But with the constant changes in gradient, it was expected to take a least a week, the progress dependent upon the pace of the slowest person.

The days were long and gruelling, and Seren was finding it easier to sleep at night, sheer exhaustion counteracting even the most horrific memories. Cullen, on the other hand, was still dreaming and she often awoke to his voice calling out in the darkness. Hence, she would awake at first light, still drained, wearily awaiting the day ahead.

On the fourth day, they had been walking for little over an hour when Mother Giselle had appeared at her side.

"May I walk with you a while?"

"Of course Mother." Irrationally, a feeling of dread grew. Seren had never had a particular fondness for Chantry Mothers, especially after facing the sharp end of Mother Leticia's wrath as a child. But Mother Giselle seemed peaceful enough, calm and caring.

_How Chantry Mothers should be._  Thinking back to the harsh lectures she'd once received on a regular basis.

"Quite an adventure you have been on."

"You could say that."

"The Herald tells me that it is you we have to thank for her safe return."

"I did very little Mother." Seren replied modestly.

The stories that were floating around since their return, had featured a distinct lack of Seren's part in the events at Haven, which she was surprisingly grateful for. They needed hope in the darkness, a hero, and Seren was quite happy to leave that to the Herald. She wasn't sleeping well as it was and unwanted attention would not help the matter any.

"Offering your shoulder to the wounded when you were beyond exhaustion yourself? That does not seem like such a small thing to me."

"I only did what had to be done."

"Perhaps." They walked for a time in silence. "I have heard that you and the Commander grew up together?"

"We did."

"And yet, you have very different outlooks in life. The Commander spent a lot of time within the Chantry in Haven but you did not. Perhaps not so surprising for a Templar I confess, but my point remains. I did see you a couple of times, but you were always rushing around, never in one place for too long."

"Cullen…" Seren sighed. "He found something in the Chantry that I have still yet to discover. As children, he'd voluntarily go every week, whereas I was dragged by my mother. Kicking and screaming. Without fail. The Chantry always seemed…"  _Creepy._  "Too quiet."

"But you maintain belief?"

"I… Yes, but prayer, the whole worship thing, I just never got."

"We all have our own ways to show our respect for the Maker and his work. You must find what works for you." Mother Giselle went quiet, lost in thought, or as it appeared to Seren, for dramatic effect. "I wonder what would have become of you if you had travelled a different path. I could imagine you would make a good Chantry Mother."

_She's joking right…_ Giselle turned her head, awaiting Seren's response, not a hint of sarcasm in her aging features.

_OK maybe not joking._

"I… don't know what to say."

"You do what needs to be done, are patient and kind. You help others at your expense without second thought. These are all qualities that Chantry life requires. I feel that you would be quite an inspiration."

"Thank you Mother. But a soldier's life is enough for me."

They walked a little further together before Mother Giselle finally spoke again. "Perhaps when this journey is done, you will join me for prayer? As much or as little as you please."

"Thank you Mother. I shall think about it."

Giselle slowed her pace, falling in step with a family of refugees. She was consumed in conversation again within seconds.


	16. Undisclosed Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which memories are dug up and shared unwillingly...

"That's a bloody big hole."

"I'm aware."

She hesitated, thinking for a moment, before replying, "So you  _knew_  there was a bloody big hole in the roof when you picked it? To be your  _office_?"

She lent against the wall, looking up at the patchy ceiling of the tower Cullen would eventually occupy, once some renovations were complete.

_Once, a_ _**lot** _ _of renovations were complete._

Skyhold had been in worse shape than she'd expected, although she had to admit, she may have been overly optimistic regarding the abandoned fortress.

"Indeed I did."

Seren raised an eyebrow, her forehead creased as she tried to piece together what he was saying, a smirk growing. "Did you hit your head back in Haven? Or did some of your brain cells just freeze to death on the way here?"

"I thought it... had charm."

Seren snorted, bemused. "I can imagine freezing your balls off every night is rather  _charming."_ He tried to hide it, pretending to be busy recording measurements but Cullen's cheeks flushed pink. "What happens when it rains?"

"I guess I will get wet."

_Dropped into that one nicely._

"Will you now… I'm sure that will be…  _pleasant."_  The Commander's cheeks turned a deep shade of red, while Seren tried and failed to suppress her grin.

" _Seren…"_

She held up her hands, enjoying every minute of his torture. "I'm not judging… We've all got to find our  _pleasures_  somewhere…"

"You are worse than a child." He shook his head, the blush reaching his ears.

"And proud of it." She stood up, letting the subject drop. "I'm bloody starving. If that's all Commander, I'm going to grab some food. And then call it an early night."

"Well seeing as you have been a huge help, standing there mocking me, I think I can manage."

Seren brought her hand to her chest in mock horror. "I've been pointing out the obvious too."

"Oh yes, how could I forget?" His tone dripping with sarcasm. He gave up. "Fine, go. Sometimes I wonder why I keep you around."

"For my dashing good looks and charming wit of course." She pulled her best pout, curved her back to enhance her chest and threw her hair over her shoulder in one swift movement.

He laughed, completely losing track of his measurements. "You know what, I think I will join you as I have  _absolutely_  no idea where I am up to." He glanced at her, adding "I think you enjoy being a distraction."

"Only when it's you. Now come on. I'm not eating any more of that Maker-awful soup, it tastes like feet. Sweaty, mouldy, dirty, definitely dirty…"

"I think I get the idea." He interrupted, knowing he was helpless when she was in a mood like this.

"Ser." Brett appeared at the door.

"Recruit?"

"Some pilgrims have arrived but we have nowhere to house them."

"Right…" Cullen began.

"I've got this." Seren interrupted with a sigh. She turned to Cullen. "You've eaten less than I have today and you know it. So go. I've got this. Lead the way Brett."

She paused in the doorway, turning once again to the Commander, pleading "Save me something other than the soup. Or I might just spontaneously combust."

"I will do my best."

After a bit of strategic manoeuvring, the new refugees had a tent for the night, although the soldiers that had given up their quarters less than willingly, were now a little cramped. And grouchy. But Seren had reiterated that they all had to make sacrifices for a while, until the hold was in better shape. She was having to share with the Commander after all.

 _Because that really is a terrible sacrifice._  She suppressed her smile.

"Good-natured teasing and laughter. Infinite happiness." Seren jumped, thinking herself alone in the courtyard. Cole stood close to her, his eyes watching her closely. "A girl crying into her pillow at night when he left, broken and hurting."

The Lieutenant couldn't move, could barely breathe.

"Then he returned, her hair plaited and dress beautiful, trying to impress…"

"What are you doing?" She demanded, the horror spreading across her face. "Stop it. Just stop it!"

"Seren?" Cullen was standing at the top of the courtyard steps, a plate of food in his hand, wrapped in cloth to keep it warm, concerned. "Are you alright?"

Seren glanced back to where Cole had been standing, but he was gone. There was no sign he'd ever been there at all.

"Yes…I'm fine." She walked slowly up the steps, glancing nervously over her shoulder to where the ghostly boy had been.

"Who were you talking to?"

"No one." She shook her head, running her hand through her hair. "Is that for me?" She asked as brightly as she could manage.

He handed her the plate before she disappeared in the direction of their quarters. Cullen stared at the courtyard for a moment, wondering what had shaken her up so. In the end, he trailed after her, a habit from a lifetime ago.


	17. Late Night Chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren can't sleep...

Seren lay awake in the dark, waiting for Cullen's nightmares to begin, replaying the conversation with Cole.

_A girl crying into her pillow at night when he left…_

She rolled over, scrunching her eyes shut, trying to forget the memories the boy had dragged up from the deeps of her mind.

_Her hair plaited and dress beautiful, trying to impress…_

She rolled to her back again, eyes open staring at the tent roof, trying not to remember the night he'd returned and the vacant stares. She needed to go for a walk. She glanced at Cullen, who was still sleeping peacefully.

_Come on, have your nightmare already._ She cursed herself for being so uncaring.

_Nice Seren. He's going through an absolute tonne of shit and you're wishing he'd hurry up and get on with it? Great friend you are._

She shut her eyes again, steadied her breathing and cleared her thoughts, but sleep would not come.

Eventually, Seren heard the tell-tale signs of his nightmares; the quickened breath, the creaking of the wooden bed-frame as he began to move restlessly. She lifted back her covers and was kneeling by his side in seconds.

"Cullen, it's alright. You're dreaming. Just wake up." She put her hand on his arm, and within a moment he was lying still once again, his breathing returning to normal. She sighed, got to her feet and grabbed her tattered cloak from the end of her bed, tying it around her shoulders. She sat on the bed to put her boots on, glanced at the Commander one final time and then left the tent in silence.

Skyhold was eerily silent at night, every noise echoing in the empty space between the stone structure, the majority of its occupants tucked up soundly in bed. The sky was clear, a full moon casting its silvery glow across the fortress, illuminating the courtyard, but equally deepening the shadows surrounding the towers. She walked around the battlements for a while, but the wind was bracing and her cloak was not really up to standard for such an excursion.

She made her way into the Throne room, the hall lit only by a few candles at that late hour. Since their arrival, Seren and the recruits had been busily clearing out the Fortress, with Lady Montilyet decisively expressing the hall as the top priority. They managed to remove most of the debris and the scaffolding had gone up that afternoon. The ambassador had seemed pleased at least.

Seren hesitated in the gloom, but didn't stay long, the throne sitting empty in the darkness casting strange shadows on the floor.

Eventually she ended up in the library, hoping a good book would induce unconsciousness, the 'good' part not being mandatory, but preferential.

The shelves were still quite empty as she ran her fingers across the spines, studying the titles with her eyes, feeling the uneven leather binding beneath her fingertips.

Crammed in the far corner, shorter than the others and far newer, was a book bearing the title 'Hard in Hightown'.

_Varric's novel…_

Seren reached for it, then thought better of it, leaving the book untouched.

_Another night maybe._

Randomly she selected a rather tattered copy of Tales of the Destruction of Thedas, took a seat by the window and lit a candle, opening to the first page.

"I never would have guessed I'd find the lovely Seren  _reading_  at the expense of her beauty sleep." Seren jumped, slamming the book shut automatically. Dorian lifted the book from beneath her hands, examining the title himself. "A history book nonetheless. I must admit Lieutenant you have utterly beguiled me. You are not what you appear at all."

"I thought I was…alone." She snatched the book back from Dorian, opening to the first chapter.

"Carry on then." Dorian took the seat opposite. Seren could feel his eyes watching her.

"Are you just going to sit there?"

"I was planning to, yes."

"Shouldn't you be  _sleeping_?"

"Shouldn't you?" His lips curved up into a smile, enjoying winding her up.

"I… can't sleep."

"What a coincidence."

"What do you want Pavus?"

"Always so untrusting. I will try not to take it as an insult."

Seren sighed, started the paragraph she'd read at least three times already, counting to ten in her head.

"May I make an observation?"

Seren inhaled slowly before saying "Yes."

"If achieving unconsciousness is your goal, that book is far too stimulating." Seren glanced at Dorian, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

"Is that so? What would you suggest in your infinite wisdom?"

"That's more like it Lieutenant." The mage rose to his feet, browsing the shelves in an instant. Seren shook her head, too exhausted for a conversation with Dorian. "Ah, this should do." He threw a book in her direction, which Seren awkwardly caught just short of it hitting her in the face.

"Thanks." She replied sarcastically.

"You're most welcome." He smiled smugly, before retaking his seat.

_I know you get sarcasm, you narcissistic…_

"So, on the topic of history, you and the Commander…"

"Not happening."

"Oh?" He features twisted in surprise. "You and he  _aren't_ …"

"I meant that I'm not talking about it."

"So you  _are_ …"

"No. We're not." She snapped, the words echoing around the room, instantly regretting the defensive outburst. "I'm sorry, I'm just tired."

"No need to explain my lovely Lieutenant." He said softly. Then the smirk returned. "I've heard you share my complaints about the soup."

"We're talking soup now?"

"Unless you'd like to return to our previous topic?"

"No thank you."

"Then yes, we shall share small talk on the limited skills of the kitchen staff."

For most of the night, and for many nights afterwards, Seren and Dorian sat in the candlelight talking, mostly meaningless nothings but she enjoyed his company in the tiny hours of the morning when sleep evaded her. Even if some of his jokes did go over her head, much to his delight.

He told her of Tervinter, speaking animatedly about the stark differences between Ferelden society and his, often making a joke at the former's expense. He said very little about himself, but Seren disclosed even less of her own past, other than what the majority already knew.

Many times he would make a small enquiry into her heritage, casually reiterating that she was not the typical soldier. Each time, Seren would brush it aside, hoping the mage would not take it upon himself to dig any further.

_Some secrets should remain just as their name suggests._

But as the weeks passed, she began to trust Dorian more and more, began seeing him as a friend.

"Are you ever going to tell me about you and the handsome Commander?"

"There's really nothing to tell."

"If that's the case, then make it up. I'm expecting a great love affair, with stolen kisses and unexpected bush encounters."

" _Unexpected bush encounters?"_   Her tone shocked but amused.

"Or late night rendezvouses in a barn. Take your pick."

"You do realise I was  _eleven_ when he joined the Templars." An eyebrow raised, trying to control the laughter.

"Ah. I shall just have to make do with the original version then and spice it up later."

"Another night, maybe. I'm heading to bed."

"Spoil sport." Seren headed back to her tent, wondering how long she'd be able to delay that conversation for, unsure if she was ready to dig up the past she'd spent years burying.


	18. Unwelcome Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren receives a letter...

"Tell me it's not true." Seren burst into Cullen's new office, startling the Commander as he wrote his reports.

"If I did that, I'd be lying." He replied calmly, steadying himself.

"The Grey Wardens can't be involved with Corypheus. This is madness." She moved to stand by his desk, trying to catch her breath, running her hand through her hair.

"Well they are." He snapped, his hand shaking. He let go of his quill, opening and closing his fist in quick succession, hoping it would go unnoticed by his second. It didn't.

"What's going on Cullen? You've been acting weird all week." She asked quietly, thinking back to the increased intensity of his dreams up until his tower was finished, the dreams that she struggled to wake him from. And he'd become reclusive; they'd barely spoken apart from when he was barking orders at her or the recruits, blaming his mood on mysterious headaches. She'd been worried about him, but now she was genuinely concerned.

"Just leave it Seren."

"This isn't like you. Is something going on I don't…"

"Leave it!" He bellowed, smashing his fists on the table, knocking over the pot of ink he'd been using. He sighed. Seren moved to help. "Just get out. Would you just do your job for once?" He glared at her, fuming, his words slicing into her like broken glass.

_What the hell?_

"Yes Ser." She managed, backing away slowly, worried a rapid retreat would invoke another outburst. She paused in the door, knowing she shouldn't, but unable to help herself. "Ser?"

Cullen looked up, still visibly angry. "What?" He growled.

"When you decide to stop acting like a dick, and actually want someone to talk to, let me know." She exited as quickly as she could, deciding that she would have to avoid him like the plague for the rest of the day, at least till he'd had time to cool off.

They were leaving the following day for Adamant, so there was much to do. Seren ran checks on all the equipment, did a sweep of the barracks, checked in with the quartermaster to make sure they were supplied, along with running final drills with the recruits. She had to admit, they'd come a long way since Haven. They were soldiers now in their own right, trained and disciplined beyond recognition of their former selves.

That evening, when she was called to a final tactics meeting, Seren couldn't avoid Cullen any longer. She hesitated at the door before entering, steadying herself before the onslaught. But when she went in, the Commander was the neutral leader he was expected to be, emotions removed, facts and orders the only focus.

At the end, he dismissed the others, asking that Seren remain behind. Again, her heart beat nervously, knowing she had been in the wrong to refer to the Commander of the Inquisition in the manner she had earlier. But no lecture came.

"This arrived for you." He said blankly, holding out an opened letter, her name written on the front in an elegant script, the red wax seal on the back broken in half. Seren panicked.

_How did she find me?_

"Have you read this?" She demanded, her voice slightly higher than she'd intended, as she took in from his hand.

"No. But Leliana will have." He replied, intrigued.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

Seren turned the envelope over in her hands, knowing exactly who it was from, unable to believe that the spymaster now knew her secret.

"Aren't you going to read it?"

Seren glanced at him, her eyes wide with horror.

_The bloody spymaster knows but Cullen doesn't. My best friend in the world hasn't got a clue._

"No." She composed herself, walked over to the fireplace and tossed the letter in without a second thought. She watched the flames consume the paper, watched the corners curl and burn into nothing, the script fading.

_And it's going to stay that way._

"Can I ask?"

"No." She reached the door. "If that's everything Commander?"

He studied her curiously, before replying. "That's all Lieutenant." She nodded and left, her mind racing.

Knowing sleep would be an impossibility, she headed to the library, praying Dorian wouldn't be there to interrogate her on the past that had suddenly just re-emerged as the present.


	19. A Midnight Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which many things are left unsaid...

As the night wore on, Seren's mind couldn't help wandering to the looming battle, the idea that if past events had been slightly different, if the Queen hadn't stopped her joining, she might too be making the ultimate sacrifice in a futile attempt to end the blights. She knew she would have believed it, would have been drawn into Erimond's deceit, knowing she would see the blood magic as a necessary means to an end. It all made her sick to her stomach.

Eventually she returned the unread book in her hands back to its shelf and headed for her tent, telling herself she needed at least a few hours rest. But as she walked across the courtyard, she noticed a light in Cullen's tower, glowing in the darkness beyond the window. Her feet changed direction of their own accord.

Climbing the stone staircase, she realised just how exhausted she was, each step draining her until she reached the top, breathing shallow and rushed.

When she reached the door to his office, she could hear his mumbled voice. She knocked, and waited, listening to the words end and then Cullen's movement to the door. He pulled it open, wearing only his breeches, his chiselled torso bare in the moonlight.

_Well hello…_

Seren couldn't stop her heart from racing, feeling the ache deep inside, wanting to touch his skin, to trace the defined lines that were now exposed to her. She could feel the flush growing in her cheeks and in some other lower, less explored regions, but then she looked up.

His eyes were dark, the circles beneath them deep and his features gaunt. He was sweating, despite the chill. The moment was gone, concern consuming her.

"Are you alright?" Alarm evident in her tone.

"Just leave it Seren. It's none of your concern." He replied bluntly, turning to close the door. Seren put her boot in the gap, wincing only slightly when the wood crushed her foot between it and the frame.

"Oh no you don't. Not again." She pushed against the wood, sliding through before he could stop her. Her eyes had to adjust to the gloom but on the floor, in the light of a single candle, was a copy of the Chant of Light. "You were praying?"

"Leave Seren." His tone low and firm, his face set.

"Not until you tell me what's going on. And don't you  _dare_ say nothing. Because this isn't nothing. And if you can't tell me as a  _friend_ , then I need to know as your second." They glared at each other, but eventually he sighed, knowing that he couldn't escape from it this time.

"I've been… The nightmares, they've been getting worse. I don't sleep anymore… I've stopped…" The words failed him, caught in his throat. Unable to meet her gaze, Cullen walked over to the window rubbing the back of his neck, tears stinging in his eyes.

They stood in silence, Seren unsure what to say, if anything at all, wondering if he would continue, knowing whatever it was, was chewing him up inside.

"I can stay with you. If you want." She said softly. He turned, their eyes making contact. "I can stay down here and wake you if… like I've done before."

At first he didn't reply, running through her offer, wanting so badly to say yes. "I can't ask you…" He sighed, spoke slightly louder, slightly more assured. "You need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day."

"Cullen… if it makes you feel better, I don't sleep much anyway." Confusion swept across his features, so she continued. "I suffer from insomnia."

"Insomnia?" He parroted, sceptical. "But you slept fine when we were heading to Haven."

"Yeah… it's more a stress-related thing. It's happened before, after the blight. I didn't sleep for months, maybe even years, and then, it just stopped and I could sleep again. Just like that."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I could ask you the same question." She sighed, shaking her head. "I know there's more going on and I understand if you don't want to tell me. But don't stop me helping you. Please Cullen."

He hesitated, his thoughts conflicted between confiding in his oldest friend and maintaining his pride. The latter won, if only for the time being. "I will tell you. I promise. Just not now, not tonight."

She nodded, smiling gently. "Well I better get comfortable." She moved to the fireplace to light it, kneeling down on the cold flagstones. Cullen opened the chest behind his desk, removing a couple of blankets.

"Here."

"Thank you." Seren stood to take the blankets, her hands lingering close to his longer than necessary. "Aren't you cold?" She asked, the corners of her mouth curling into a small smirk, her eyes mischievous in the firelight, as they casually flicked down and up. He laughed self-consciously, a slight rosy hue spreading across his cheeks.

"Well I hadn't been expecting company." The shadows in and beneath his eyes lifted a little as he smiled and Seren congratulated herself on the small triumph. Then as he spoke, that strange look appeared in Cullen's eyes again. "Seren, I don't know what I'd do without you."

She felt her heart miss a beat, her head screaming at her to tell him she loved him, to take that one step closer, placing her hands on his chest, stood on her tiptoes, to whisper against his lips that she'd never leave him.

But she didn't.

"Die of boredom?" She placed the blankets on the armchair by the fire, already annoyed at herself for making a joke.

_I can't take the risk he doesn't feel the same. I just can't. Not now at least. One day maybe._

"That could be one possible cause." She glanced up, meeting his gaze, his tone so serious but so many words were left unsaid, some many feelings lost in the space between them.

"Goodnight Commander."

"Goodnight Lieutenant."

Seren settled in the chair, wrapping the blankets around her against the draught from above. She peered upwards, the starry night sky on display through the hole in the ceiling.

_He's mental to sleep in here with that. Actually mental._

She heard Cullen pause at the bottom of the ladder.

"That letter… it was from Orlais?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yes it was."

"I see."

She sighed. "I'll explain. Just not tonight."

A pause and then, "Goodnight." He climbed the ladder, Seren listening to the wood groan under his weight as he ascended. Her eyes drifted shut, and consciousness slipped away.


	20. Fighting Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Inquisition attack Adamant...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thank you to everyone reading this story, especially to those who have been commenting :)

The early morning light streamed in through the windows and the gap in the ceiling, waking Seren a little after dawn. She shifted in the armchair, suddenly very aware that sleeping on that ancient piece of furniture may not have been the best idea, her neck and back protesting as she stretched out the knots. She heard Cullen move above, the floorboards creaking, but she wasn't sure if he was actually awake yet, knowing that he'd been pretty restless during the night.

She stood, folded the blankets and placed them neatly back in the chest he had taken them from the night before. Knowing that everyone would be awakening soon, if they hadn't already, Seren slipped silently from his office, glancing around the fortress checking for any signs of life, and finding nothing other than herself and a robin resting atop one of the battlement walls. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching.

Once in her tent, she closed the flap and removed her shirt, pouring fresh water from the jug off her desk into a bowl so she could wash. She splashed her face, the cold water so instantly refreshing. In her peripheral vision, she caught a glimpse of her reflection, noted the dark circles under her eyes and the deepened lines on her brow.

_This job is really doing wonders for my complexion._

Seren sighed, grabbed a towel and dried herself, before pulling on a clean shirt. She had butterflies in her stomach, her nerves already getting the better of her. She breathed in and out slowly, but a feeling of dread sat uneasy on her chest.

They were going to lose people, there was no way around it. The Grey Wardens were trained and beyond capable.

_But our forces have come a long way._  She reminded herself.

_They can do this. We can do this._

She glanced a final time at her reflection, silencing the doubt like an ill-behaved child, before tying her hair into a tight bun and dressing in her armour.

By the time she re-emerged from the gloom into the morning sunlight, Skyhold was alive with activity, the forces making final preparations before the march to Adamant. She quickly found Cullen, issuing orders in a tone she had come to recognise as a symptom of stress.

"Everything's going to be fine." She whispered as she walked past, just loud enough for the Commander to hear, offering him a reassuring smile. He stopped mid-sentence, nodded slightly and cleared his throat, before continuing, his voice slightly firmer, steady and strong.

The forces were marching by mid-morning and arrived at their destination just before sunset the following day, the tension growing with every step, with every breath. The trebuchets were readied, the soldiers prepared and awaiting their orders.

They ran through the plan one last time, and on the Inquisitor's order fired at the fortress, the flaming loads smashing into the masonry. The men cheered at the destruction but Seren's heart sank with every impact, with every scream and shout from the Wardens eating away at her.

_That could have been me._

Cullen caught her eye and she forced a smile, but he knew. His expression was one of concern and she couldn't deal with that.

_Not now._

She walked away, to the front where the men were stood with the ladders and the battering ram. She told them to ready themselves. And then they heard the order.

They were moving, inching their way towards the fortress, flaming arrows soaring through the air in their direction, picking off the occasional few. The ladders went up, but there was resistance on the walls.

The battering ram was having more success and they broke through the gate within minutes. Seren had her orders, she stayed with the ladders, ready to climb when her time came. And it did.

She was climbing, her heart in her mouth, sweating as much from the ascent as from nerves. Over the wall, onto to the battlements, striking at the Wardens and their demons with a much as she could muster.

_Clear the path. Clear the path. Clear the path._

There was no room for other thoughts. She gritted her teeth, feeling the strain in her arms and shoulders, the Wardens giving as good as they got. But the forces were surviving, winning even.

_We can do this. We got this._

A shade appeared from nowhere, catching Seren from behind. She arched forward, gasping with shock, knowing the monster had cut through her armour, feeling the dreadful sting down her back. She fell, her mind screaming with the pain, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. The demon went on to attack the recruits, leaving Seren gasping for breath on the ground.

_I need to get up._

_Time to get up Seren._

_You're dead if you don't._

But she couldn't move, paralysed by the waves of pure agony pulsing from her wound, light headed and unable to focus.

She felt a hand below her arm, lifting her.

"Bad time for choosing to finally rest, Lieutenant." Dorian pulled Seren to her feet. She staggered but remained standing.

"You know me. Never one for timing." She managed.

"Your jokes  _are_  always lacking in that area." He smiled, and shot off several spells aimed at the shade.

Seren raised her sword, shrugged her shoulders, wincing with pain but she was up and as ready as she was going to be.

"That one's mine." Dorian paused as she ran full belt at the demon, her sword penetrating deep. It shrieked and disappeared.

"All I can say is I'm glad you're on our team." Dorian appeared at her side, as she stood gulping in the air bent over slightly, trying not to think of the pain.

"Force of nature that I am." She forced a laugh, just before the Inquisitor appeared.

"Lieutenant, how's it looking?"

"The men are trying to hold their positions but the demons just keep coming. And the Wardens know what they're doing." The Inquisitor nodded slightly, glancing around the walls.

"You're alright to continue?"

"Of course Inquisitor." Seren replied without hesitation, determined to keep going no matter what.

"Alright. Take your squad and try to clear the south wall. We'll meet you in the middle."

"Right away." Seren rallied her men and led them on, taking care of everything that got in their way in a disciplined and controlled fashion. Up until the pride demon.

_You've got to be shitting me._

The beast was huge and powerful, but Seren's squad attacked without trepidation, striking and dodging with skill. Seren ran at it, but it saw her, so she hit the floor, sliding between its legs at the last minute, propelled by the force of her run, using her shield to protect her torso. She rolled, pushing herself to her feet, and rammed her sword into the demon's leg.

The leg went limp, the monster falling to its knees. Her squad saw their opportunity and exploited it, the demon's lifeless form hitting the flags within minutes.

_Thank the Maker._

She led the squad on, finding the Inquisitor and her companions fighting another pride demon. Seren and her team lent a hand, finishing off the monster with little trouble.

Their orders were to hold the walls, which was now a far easier task, the demons fewer in number and the Wardens either dead or surrendering. She was relieved to find that not all of them had been lost to Corypheus.

The Commander eventually appeared with more men, a little shocked when he found what condition Seren was in.

"You need a healer."

"I'm fine."

"You are far from fine."

"I'm standing aren't I?" She snapped, tired of civility. Her one comfort was that her back had gone numb, the odd twinge only when she twisted to attack. "I can manage. I'll get patched up when this is over." Cullen didn't seem convinced but he let it drop, knowing that he wouldn't change her mind, only irritate her with his concern.

And then they heard a rumbling from the sky.

"Please tell me that's not what I think it is." She glanced at Cullen, whose face was set, his jaws tense and eyes empty. The dragon glided through the air, landing towards the centre of the Fortress.

"Move! Now!" The Commander barked, and they were running, side by side, to the Inquisitor's aid.

"Dodging dragon fire wasn't part of my job description you know. I think it's time we discuss a raise." She risked a glance at Cullen, whose eyes flickered in her direction, the corners of his lips curling upwards slightly despite the situation.

"Survive this and we'll talk."

They made it to the top just as the platform collapsed, watched as the Inquisitor and her companions vanished.

"No!" Seren tried to run forward, wanting to save them but Cullen threw out his arm.

"It's not stable!" She glared at him and pushed past, though her advance was more hesitant than before. At the edge, she saw the rift close.

"They're in the Fade…" He was by her side in an instant.

"They can't have…"

"There was a rift." Both were unable to tear their gaze from each other's stunned expressions. "She saved them."

"They've no way of getting out…"

"The open rift…" They muttered in-sync, the realisation hitting simultaneously. Without another word, they were leading the men back to the main courtyard, back to the demons that were spewing out from the depths of the Fade.

Seren didn't move from his side. They worked together, in harmony, despatching whatever awful creature came their way, waiting and praying that the Inquisitor would return, that all hope wasn't lost.

"I don't… know about…you… but when this is over…I'm going to get  _bladdered_ …" She shouted between blows. Cullen grunted in a way that vaguely resembled a laugh.

A terror demon attacked, and Seren retaliated, an elegant dance of striking and defending, when Cullen stole the final blow.

"Oi!" Seren hollered. "That was mine!"

"You're welcome." He returned with a smug smile.

"Bastard." She muttered.

_If it wasn't for the overlying possibility of death, this could almost be fun._

But the forces were beginning to falter, exhaustion taking a hold, heavy on their shoulders and in their minds. They were making mistakes, and mistakes cost lives. Their one consolation was that the dragon had vanished.

She could feel the Commander tiring, as much as she could herself. They were missing opportunities and suffering hits they couldn't withstand for long.

Hope was slipping away with each passing second, as men were cut down all around, falling where they stood.

And then, like the Maker was answering their prayers, Dorian appeared from the rift, closely followed by Cassandra and Sera.

"Am I glad to see you!" Seren shouted to him.

The mage returned with his signature smile. "Not quite the fanfare I had been hoping for, but it will have to do." Seren rolled her eyes.

"The Inquisitor?" Cullen asked.

"Coming, coming my dear Commander."

Relief flooded through her veins, hope returning and sustaining.

"Have you not had that looked at?" Dorian nodded at her back.

"I didn't have chance between my manicure and massage."

"Remind me not to ask for the name of  _your_  manicurist." He placed his hand on her back, feeling the magic pulsing through her body, warm against the skin. "I've done what I can. Drink this." He placed a healing potion in her hand.

Seren nodded gratefully and downed the contents, trying not to taste and failing. She grimaced, struggling not to gag but she felt better.

Hawke stepped out of the Fade and then came the Inquisitor. The rift was closed; the Warden Stroud did not return.


	21. One Too Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone has too much to drink...

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Seren blinked back to reality, back from abyss where she had been completely lost in thought. "Huh?"

"What were you thinking about?" She glanced at Cullen, not quite able to remember what she had been contemplating so deeply. She ran her hand through her hair.

"I… Just everything I guess. The Wardens, Erimond…" The sentence went unfinished, anger and hatred burning at her core.

"He'll get what he deserves."

"He deserved to die in  _agony_  where he lay." She snapped. Cullen didn't respond, unsure how to continue, his expression blank. "Sorry." She sighed. "I'm just tired."

"How's your back?" Seren appreciated the subject change, pushing the emotions to the back of her mind.

"Painful. But manageable. It should heal up okay. I suppose I'll finally have an impressive battle scar to show off." She joked, trying to brighten the mood.

"That's the spirit lovely Lieutenant." Dorian appeared. "Showing off that asset may just expose some others too, which I'm sure wouldn't go unappreciated. What do you think Commander? Hasn't our Seren got lovely assets to bare?" She elbowed him in the side, trying to repress her grin and glare suitably at the now-smirking mage.

Cullen's cheeks turned bright red, his hand reaching to rub the back of his neck. "I… yes... I haven't noticed…I mean, I have… Maker's breath" He faltered, digging himself in deeper and deeper, the colour of his cheeks deepening and spreading to his ears.

"Dorian, you are awful." Seren saved him, her heart pounding, butterflies in her stomach, hoping that her flush wasn't as obvious as his.

"Awfully handsome? I would have to agree." She rolled her eyes at him, which he returned with a raised eyebrow and a smug smile. "I'm assuming I shall see you both in the Herald's Rest tonight?"

"I don't know, I've got several reports…" Seren started.

"Nonsense. I'm sure our charming Commander wouldn't dream of making his second work after such an achievement?"

"Achievement?" She asked.

"Gaining a new asset of course." He winked and Cullen blushed again. "I shall see you both later then." And he sauntered off, leaving the Commander and his Lieutenant walking in awkward silence.

Seren as usual found something to say first.

"It's just occurred to me. You still owe me a drink." She raised an eyebrow, a sly grin spreading across her lips.

"I'm guessing the first round's on me then?"

"How nice of you to offer Commander. I shall have to hold you to it."

He smiled back at her, amusedly shaking his head, before changing the subject.

That night Seren spent far longer than she normally would getting ready, trying to convince herself that it wasn't all for a certain Commander's benefit. She'd visited the bathhouse, scrubbing until her skin was pink and suitably smelling of the rose petals she'd stolen from Dorian earlier that afternoon.

Her auburn hair hung loose to dry, while she plaited the sides and pinned them at the back of her head, before dressing in her best shirt and breeches, and polishing her boots until they shined. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and pinched her cheeks slightly, a rosy hue appearing under the pressure.

_This is crazy. I'm being a complete idiot. Who are you trying to impress?_

_You know exactly who you're trying to impress._

She took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders, wincing slightly as she stretched the forgotten wound on her back, before leaving the tent.

The tavern was teeming with soldiers all celebrating the success at Adamant and at first, she couldn't find Dorian. He spotted her first.

"Lovely Seren!" He shouted from the back table where he sat with Iron Bull and the other Chargers. "Over here!"

_Here we go…_

She smiled at him, weaving her way towards the table through the hoards, noting the Inquisitor and Blackwall sat in the corner, having a rather intense looking conversation, with lots of eye-contact and coy smiles.

_Well good for her._

"Sit down next to me, my lovely Lieutenant. You look especially beautiful this evening." He was slurring his words but Seren did what she was told, noting the distinct lack of a certain person's presence.

Dorian lent over and attempted to whisper in her ear, although she was pretty sure the rest of the table could hear as the mage had forgotten the basic principle; that you actually have to lower your voice to successfully whisper. "I'm sure our charming Commander will be along shortly to enjoy your company too."

"How many have you had?" Trying to laugh off his comments, hoping the others would miss how bothered she was by Cullen's absence.

"A true gentleman never reveals his secrets." Dorian tapped his nose with his index finger, or at least he tried to; he missed by a couple of centimetres.

_Just everyone else's it seems._

A drink landed in front of her, some of the foam sloshing over the side onto the table.

"I owe you one from Haven." Krem pulled up a chair and sat next to Bull, smiling at Seren. "Not incognito this time?" She laughed.

"Not tonight."

Krem pulled out a pack of cards. "Anyone fancy a game?"

"Just deal Krem. We're all playing." Bull spoke, and Seren found herself with a promising hand. She drank and raised.

As the game wore on, she got better at reading the other players, noting their tells. In truth she was still losing as many hands as she was winning as her thoughts were becoming increasing fuzzy with each mouthful of ale, the game becoming more and more difficult to concentrate on.

The drinks kept coming but there was still no sign of Cullen.

Finally Bull won, letting out a raucous cheer and suddenly the Chargers were singing, if you can describe the noise they were making as singing; the game officially over.

Several of them jumped onto the furniture and Seren couldn't stop her laughter, Dorian giggling uncontrollably to her left. Krem held out a hand to help Seren onto a chair, and she found herself singing and dancing with the rest. Everyone in the tavern had joined in, and she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so happy, so carefree.

Suddenly, the chair beneath her tipped and Seren was on the floor, laughing hysterically, the Chargers cheering. She got back to her feet and bowed theatrically to her adoring audience, who whooped and whistled at her performance.

The singing began again, a new but equally entertaining chant, and she was dancing with Krem and Dorian, barely able to stand but enjoying the attempt.

Another drink.

Another song.

Another dance.

The night was slipping away.

Bull appeared with a round of drinks, shoving one into Seren's hands. She looked at Krem, confused, swaying a little as she tried to stand still.

"What's this then?"

"Don't ask."

"Marass-lok!" Bull shouted and they all bashed they're cups together before downing the contents.

Seren felt the burn all the way down her throat, instantly regretting it, wondering if bleach would taste better. She spluttered and coughed, still feeling the sting in her mouth.

"You'll get used to it." Krem laughed, smacking her on the back. He poured her another.

"Nnnnooooo." But when he clinked her cup with his, she found herself downing the vile liquid once more.

"Bull always says the second's best seeing as all the nerves died on the first go."

"He…lied." She spluttered, feeling the wave of nausea pass over her. Seren wobbled and lost her balance, her limbs completely unresponsive to the orders from her intoxicated brain. But someone caught her, lifting her back to her feet. She placed her hands on their chest, muttering her apologies, glaring at her feet for failing her.

"I'm glad I could catch you."

_Shiiiittttttttttt._

She glanced upwards, moving her hair out of her face timidly with one hand, discovering the golden curls and amber eyes. Her stomach knotted, and her breath caught.

"Hi." She mumbled.

"Having a good time?" A shadow of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

"I…" She swallowed. "Yes." The room was spinning, her legs became jelly, crumbling beneath her but he caught her again, holding her tightly around the waist, her hands finding themselves once more on his chest.

"Steady." He said, his tone amused.

_Maker's balls, he's gorgeous._ She took a deep breath.

_Act cool Seren, act cool._

" _You_  owe  _me_ a drink." She smiled, in what she hoped was an alluring manner, poking him with her index finger in the centre of his chest, while concentrating extremely hard on not falling or throwing up.

"I think you've had enough tonight, don't you?"

"I'd have another for you… with you." She corrected herself, realising just how inebriated she was.

"Another night. I promise. Let's just get you to bed so you can sleep this off." He cajoled.

She pouted, sulking. "But I'm having fun."

"I can see that."

"I'm not as drunk as I look, you know."

"Oh?" His tone sceptical but entertained, his eyebrows raised slightly causing shallow lines to appear on his forehead.

"I'm…  _drunker_." She giggled to herself, and Cullen shook his head, unable to hide the amusement from his expression. "Let's just stay for a while."

"I don't think that's wise, do you? You can barely stand."

"I shall have you know…" Seren tried to step away from him, instantly lost her balance, her legs buckling beneath her, landing with a thud on the floor. That time Cullen didn't try to stop her, instead he stood with an 'I told you so' look on his face. She unsuccessfully tried to glare at him, her smile betraying her. "Fine, fine point taken. Don't just stand there smirking at me, help me up would you?"

He took her hand, pulling her to her feet, still smiling mischievously. "As I gentlemen, I think I'd better walk you home."

"How kind of you, good Ser." They exchanged sarcastic smiles. He draped her arm over his shoulder, carrying her weight like she had done for the Inquisitor so many weeks previous, and headed for the door.

"You know, if you'd been here, you could have stopped me drinking my body weight." She playfully smacked him across the chest with the back of her hand.

"Oh, so it's  _my_  fault?"

"Of course. It's hardly mine." Cullen snorted as they reached the door.

The freezing mountain air took their breath away when they finally made it outside. The Commander wrapped his cloak around the two of them and headed in the direction of Seren's tent, up until the moment she pushed him away, bringing her hand to her mouth.

"I think I'm going to be…" He spun her in the direction of the bushes, she convulsed and vomited into the darkness. Cullen rubbed her back gently in small circles, until he realised she was wincing and heard a muffled 'stop'. He looked down at his hand, remembering the scarred tissue that lay beneath the fabric.

"Maker breath! Seren I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" He stepped away, removing his hand, horrified that he'd forgotten.

Slowly she stood up, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "No it's fine. It's just sore." She wobbled but he caught her, switching position so he was carrying her weight as he'd done before. "Thank you." She managed, mortified at the state she was in, and that Cullen could see said state.

Slowly, the pair stumbled to Seren's tent, where he lay her down on the bed, her eyes drifting shut almost immediately. He removed her boots and pulled the covers over her, placed a paper bin on the floor by her head, just in case, before turning to leave.

"Cullen?" He paused, turning his head to look at her.

"Yes?"

"Could you stay a while?" She mumbled, her eyes still closed. He didn't speak, just pulled her chair from behind the desk and sat down by her bed. Seren opened her eyes, half her face buried in her pillow, the hint of a smile on her lips.

"Do you remember when we were kids and Freddie Sheldrake dared us to steal Mr Attwood's prize goat?"

"I do. Although I seem to remember that he dared  _you_  and I was an unwilling accomplice." He smiled softly, moving the hair that had fallen in her eyes with his fingers.

"We were grounded for weeks. Mother told me I was never to see you again. That you were a bad influence." Seren giggled gently.

"My mother said the same to me. Funny how that didn't stop us."

"I missed you Cullen." Her expression serious, her voice a whisper. "I really missed…" Her eyes drifted shut mid-sentence, her breathing slowing as her body went limp.

Cullen sat for a few minutes in the gloom, stroking Seren's hair tenderly like you would a child, listening to her breathing as she slipped into a deeper, peaceful slumber. Eventually he leant over and kissed her forehead, whispering three little words in her ear. Three little words that went unheard by her unconscious mind, lost to the night.


	22. Regrets at Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which memories are finally shared...

Consciousness snuck up at first, teasing her from the whimsical dreams her intoxicated mind had concocted, reality sinking in its claws to drag her back to the harsh consequences of the night before. Her head pounded, her mouth dry, her body aching.

_Ahhhhh._

_Now I remember why I don't drink…_

Seren sat up, clutching her head, her eyes screwed shut, consumed in self-pity.

"You are definitely no sleeping beauty." She jumped, her hands automatically searching for something to defend herself with, finding only her pillow, when she realised it was Dorian.

" _Shit._  I nearly jumped out of my skin. What are you doing in here?" She chucked the pillow at him, which he batted away, a small smile on his lips.

"I thought this was my tent?" He answered half-heartedly.

" _You've_  got quarters."

"That, is true."

Propped against her desk, he looked pretty worse for wear, being far from his usual high standard, his hair dishevelled, and he was still wearing the clothes from the night before…

_Oh my…_

"Good night I take it?" She smirked, raising her eyebrows for the added effect.

"From what I remember…" He smiled, but for the first time Seren sensed a hint of shyness, a slight rosy tinge spreading across the mage's cheeks.

" _That_  good…Wow, Bull must know a trick or two to make  _you_  blush."

"How did you…?" Dorian was dumbfounded, his expression one of true bewilderment.

"I'm not as naive as I look. And I have  _eyes_." She laughed a little, but his expression didn't change, his discomfort clear and she realised they'd never actually spoken about his preference for men. Or that she knew of it. "Dorian, in this job, it's hardly something I haven't come across before… I guess you just learn to notice these…things."

"How long have you known?"

"Since we first met. You were enjoying Cullen… and his  _company_ … I don't know, there was just that look? That glance everyone else sees and you never do because you can't see your own face…" He nodded, used to her ramblings.

"I know the one." Dorian looked her straight in the eye, his face a mask of seriousness. "It's always on your face in a certain Commander's company too."

The heat rose in her cheeks. She tried to change the subject, unnerved by the sudden shift of focus, gesturing vaguely at her desk. "Pass me that jug would you?"

"When are you going to tell me what happened?"

"There's nothing to tell." She replied, shaking her head, unable to meet his gaze.

"So dressing up like you did last night was solely for  _my_  benefit? I think it unlikely, considering that you are far more intuitive than even I had imagined." He took a seat at the end of her bed, seemingly determined. "Now, there's nine years missing from your usual story if my estimations are correct. Which they always are. Making up the events myself has been  _most_  unsatisfactory."

"Dorian, I don't want to talk about it." She could feel the emotions rising, the ones she'd locked up and thrown away the key on, escaping.

"It can't be that bad, surely?" His brow creased, his eyes soft and reassuring.

"Can't it?" She snapped, feeling the sting in her eyes, her throat tightened as the past consumed her. "Crying yourself to sleep night after night, sobbing into your pillow until it's sodden, an indescribable ache in your heart like its being ripped in two?  _No,_ that's not that bad is it?"

Dorian had gone white, his face expressionless.

_I need to stop._

_I can't stop._

"Being an eleven year old who has no idea what she's feeling or even  _why_? But knowing it all started when your best friend told you he was leaving to follows his dreams, leaving  _you_  behind in a small town that suddenly became hollow and empty because he'd gone? Missing him like you've lost a limb, like a part of you is gone forever and you're left to pick up the pieces  _alone_ , when it had always been the two of you?" She stopped, the tears spilling down her cheeks, her hand covering her mouth, shocked and ashamed by her outburst. "I'm sorry." She began to sob uncontrollably, her body heaving, her heart aching just as it had done before.

"There's no need to apologise." He said smoothly, gentle. She felt him stand, the mattress lifting with the removal of his weight. He poured water from the jug into a cup and brought it to Seren. "Drink this. I'd offer you something stronger but it's perhaps a little early. And I haven't found where you hide your stash yet."

"Thanks." She laughed a little, before drinking the entire contents of the cup, the crying slowly ebbing away with each mouthful, until she was once more in control of her emotions.

"Better?"

"Yes. Thank you." Dorian took the cup from her hand and placed it on the desk, before retaking his place on the edge of her bed.

"Should we start again?" He asked hesitantly.

Seren forced a smile. "This is starting to sound like I'm in therapy."

"I can take notes if you'd like?" His joke earned a laugh, if only a small one.

"I'll pass on that thanks." She sighed. "I don't know where to begin."

Dorian didn't speak, allowing her the time she needed. Seren looked at him, unsure she wanted someone knowing the secrets she had buried, for someone to see the innocent and sensitive adolescent she had spent so long trying to detach herself from.

Finally, she took a deep breath and dove into the depths of her mind, awaking the memories from their slumber.

"When Cullen… when he left…" She started again. "At the time, I didn't understand why it hurt so much to watch him leave. I was distraught. For months, I cried every night until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. During the day, I was a ghost. There was nothing to fill my time. I'd lost my partner in crime." A sad smile spread across her face.

"Then one night my mother came in. She just sat on my bed while I cried, telling me it would be okay, stroking my hair until I drifted off. It turned out, they'd heard me every night but thought I needed to deal with it myself. And clearly that wasn't happening. A week or so went by, and my mother had finally had enough. She told me that this wasn't helping anything and that the next day my 'training' would begin."

"Your training?"

"Yes, she taught me everything. To cook, to sew, to clean, to run accounts, everything I'd need to run a home. But she taught me other things too. Like to dance and to sing. To paint. She taught me how to fight with a sword, how to fire an arrow and eventually to hunt. I learnt how to ride and how to look after horses. And she made me read all these beautiful books she'd brought from Orlais. She taught me the history of Thedas. Mainly of Ferelden and Orlais but she knew of Nevarra and a little of Tervinter even."

"Your mother sounds like a very intelligent woman."

"She was. She distracted me, kept me busy so I wouldn't think about..." Seren smiled before continuing. "Anyway, I became friends with Mia, Cullen's sister?"

"Ah yes, he has mentioned her." She nodded and continued.

"I say, I became friends with her but now, I think it was the other way around. Mia was, still is, a very kind and gentle soul. She couldn't hurt a fly. But as sharp as tack, and as subtle as a hurricane on occasion. After Cullen left, she came by every day to play with me, but for me, she was a stand in. And I think she knew that." Seren paused, her head lowered, picking at the skin around her nails, a twinge of guilt in her mind.

"Cutting a long story short, this one day, she comes running to tell me she's got engaged. It wasn't a surprise. Mia had been seeing this boy for months and the two of them were inseparable." Seren rolled her eyes, running her hand through her hair. "So, she tells me that the wedding is the following week and without missing a beat, she says 'Cullen's coming home', with this knowing and expectant look on her face. And I realised, she'd run over to tell me about Cullen, to see my reaction for herself."

"She knew how you felt before you did."

"If we're being honest here, I think  _everyone_  knew before I did." Dorian laughed.

"So what happened?" He asked, his tone betraying his interest.

"I ran to my mother with the news. She just stood there, with this amused expression as I rambled on about Cullen. I barely even mentioned why he was coming back, just that he was. I begged her to make me a new dress and when she agreed, I think I cried." She cringed, slightly mortified at her admission.

"Not even _I_  have cried over a new outfit." Dorian began to laugh, a smirk on his face.

"Not my finest moment I admit." Seren blushed a little. "My mother spent the whole week crafting this beautiful, pale blue dress. She'd stay up late embroidering the bodice with the most intricate designs, all these delicate flowers and patterns. I'd sit there, just watching in the candlelight. And then the big day came. I'd barely slept the night before and I spent the whole morning getting ready. I dressed and my mother plaited my hair with flowers she'd picked from father's garden. I practically ran to the chantry, unable to contain my excitement..."

"And?"

"And there he was. Stood at the front with his family." She hesitated, lost in the memory, a smile on her face. The Chantry full of light, streaming through the stained glass window above the altar. Fresh flowers along the aisle, tied to the pews and hanging from baskets along the stone walls, in every colour, soft pinks, vibrant oranges, sunshine yellow, bright and beautiful. She remembered the golden curls of the boy in Templar uniform. No, the  _man_  in Templar uniform. "He was different, older…"

"More handsome?" Dorian smirked.

"More handsome." Seren conceded, laughing. "But it was still him, that boy I'd played with and teased as a child."

"Did you speak to him?"

"Not at that point. I was a bridesmaid, you see. They only have one other sister, so Mia had asked me as well. The ceremony was perfect. Mia looked stunning, her dress suited her well. And the groom had that look, you know the one where he sees the bride for the first time as she begins her walk down the aisle. His expression is pure happiness, like he's seen the most beautiful thing he will ever see in his whole life. The look of love I guess." She laughed a little. "After that they had a reception of sorts, out on the green. The whole village was invited. Everyone was dancing. And  _drinking._ "

"Outside?" Seren nodded. Dorian frowned. "I don't think I shall ever appreciate the Ferelden merrymaking. But continue."

"So he's there and we keep stealing nervous glances at one another from across the room, but neither of us approach. And as the night progresses it becomes increasingly awkward. Eventually, Mia drags him over to say hello, and we have this muffled conversation with us both staring at our feet, and my heart breaks. We'd changed too much, become complete strangers. So I made my excuses and ran. I ended up crying in the shadows behind one of the houses, just far enough away that people wouldn't notice me, feeling foolish and broken."

"He chased after you?"

"No. But my mother did. She told me that it was completely understandable to feel as I did, but that I should pick myself up and go back to party with a smile on my face. Put it behind me, at least for that night. So I did and when this boy, Freddie, asked me to dance I agreed."

"Was this Freddie anyone special?"

"Definitely not." Seren pulled a face. "I think I agreed to see if I could get a reaction from Cullen. When none came, I excused myself again, saying that I need to get some fresh air. I went for a walk and just kept going. I ended up down by the lake where we'd met that summer, and I was ready to say goodbye, to let him go."

"I'm sensing a 'but' here."

"But…" Seren smiled, surprised to find herself enjoying telling Dorian. "Then I heard this low voice say 'You look beautiful' and when I turned, there he was. The boy I'd been trying to impress the whole night, for my whole life even, stood with this shy smile and a rosy blush on his cheeks."

"And he took you into his arms, having his way with you there and then."

Seren laughed, shaking her head, utterly amused. "No, I can't say that's how I remember it. This is Cullen we're talking about."

"Point taken. What really happened then?"

"He asked why I hadn't written to him."

"Wait. You never wrote to him?" The mage asked bewildered.

"Oh no, I did. I just never sent them." Again, she found her fingers far more interesting than meeting Dorian's gaze,

"You're joking."

"Nope. I wrote every week for 5 years, sealed them in envelopes and… put them in a box beneath my bed." Her tone as light as she could make it.

"Why?"

"They felt like lies. I never wrote anything negative, making out that I was completely fine without him."

"Why didn't you just write the truth?"

"Because…I had this irrational fear that if I did, I'd spoil it for him. That he'd come back. I know it's stupid, I knew he wouldn't, but I couldn't take the risk. I didn't want to be the girl that tainted his dreams of becoming a Templar."

"And you were surprised by the cold reception he gave you at the wedding?"

"In hindsight…no." Seren admitted.

"Lovely lieutenant, you are living contradiction. Carry on." He gestured for her to continue, his other hand rubbing his temples.

"We spent the remainder of the evening sat on the grass, trying to name constellations or something equally ridiculous, until my father came to collect me. The next morning, Cullen was leaving again, so I woke early to say goodbye and at the last minute, grabbed the box from under my bed, stuffed the letters into a bag, praying that he wouldn't leave without seeing me. I ran up and tossed him the bag. Then he was gone and you know the rest."

The pair sat for a moment in silence, pondering all that had been said.

"Well it wasn't as sensational as my version."

"I don't think I want to know." They both chuckled.

"Ser?" A messenger appeared at the opening of her tent.

"One second." Seren threw her legs over the side of the bed, tried to stand and wobbled, grabbing the bedpost for support.

"Someone's still drunk…" Dorian smirked, his tone melodious, teasing her. She pulled a face at him, grabbed a woollen cardigan off the back of her desk chair and moved to the opening. She squinted against the morning light, discovering the identity of the messenger to be Brett.

"What can I do for you?"

"A letter for you, Ser. Also the Commander wants to see you as soon as you are, er fit. His words."

"Thank you." She took the letter from the recruit's outstretched hand, and disappeared back into the tent. Studying it, Seren noted the same elegant script, the envelope opened as before, her heart pounding.

_Why can't she just leave me alone?_

"Family?" Seren jumped, having completely forgotten Dorian.

"No." She answered too quickly, too defensively. Dorian raised his eyebrows. She sighed, knowing she was caught. "Sort of. It's complicated."

"When is family ever not?" Dorian stood, and Seren noted the sudden shadows in his eyes, how his jaw clenched slightly, easily missed by the unobservant. "I shall leave you be. You shouldn't leave our charming Commander waiting."

"It's just an excuse for him to be smug. He's never going to let me live it down."

"And nor should he. You were  _disgraceful_." He winked as he passed her and disappeared through the flap with his signature smirk on his lips.

She turned the envelope over in her hands, undecided as to what to do.

_I don't want to know what she has to say._

_She can say nothing that will make me change my mind._

_But…_

She removed the folded piece of paper, discarding the envelope and opening up the letter.

_Dearest Serenity,_

_It causes me great sadness that you refuse to respond to my correspondence, but I shall not be disheartened. We have much to discuss and I still very much wish for us to meet. Following your mother's unfortunate death, you are now my only heir…_

Seren screwed it up, throwing the letter with all her might across the room. The paper ball bounced off the canvas, landing softly on the floor behind the desk.

_She just doesn't get it._

She began to infuriatedly pace up and down the small space of her tent, running her hand through her hair and shaking her head, wishing she could unread what had been written.

_I don't want to know her, not after what she did to my parents._

_She can rot for all I…_

"Lieutenant?"


	23. Common Courtesies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an unexpected request is made...

"Just let him know I will be along  _shortly,_ would you?" Seren snapped at the recruit, displeased by the second interruption. Brett didn't move, and instead stood awkwardly in the opening, clearly conflicted.

"That's err… not actually why I'm here Ser." Brett flushed, clearing her throat. "That is, Lady Montilyet ordered me to summon you Ser. To her office that is. Errm, urgently, Ser."

"What?" Seren asked confused. The last person she expected to require her assistance was the ambassador.

_And urgently?_

"Lady Montilyet..."

"Yes recruit, I got that. Do you have any idea  _why_?"

"No Ser. Sorry Ser." Brett stammered. Seren sighed, feeling guilty for taking out her frustration on the innocent recruit.

"Could you inform the ambassador I shall be there forthwith?" The Lieutenant asked deflated.

_At least, I already had a headache…_

"Of course, Ser."

"Thank you Brett." Seren offered a smile, knowing the gesture to be small, but the recruit took it, smiling back, clearly relieved.

"My pleasure Lieutenant."

Seren made sure the tent flap was secured, before washing and dressing as quickly as she could. She downed another cup of water, her head throbbing.

She dragged a comb through her hair, then tied it in a loose bun. Glancing in the mirror, a pale face stared back, with heavy bags beneath the eyes; her reflection, at best, that of someone who hadn't slept for a month.

_Great. Just great._

_As if she doesn't judge me enough already…_

Without a second look, she left her tent, grimacing at the harsh morning light.

_Oh this was a bad idea._

Slowly, and as steadily as she could, Seren walked to Josephine's office, nervously running through in her mind what could be so urgent. The ambassador wasn't her biggest fan, her thoughts on Seren's code of dress and general appearance made clear by the expression she wore, by the fake smile and how she would run her eyes over Seren on her approach.

_It's to do with the letters._

_But my heritage can't be urgent can it?_

_No, surely not. If Leliana had summoned me…_

_Urghh, I haven't got time for this shit._

Seren swept through the throne room, trying to be invisible, thankful for the dim light of the candles in the room that brought slight relief to her pounding head. She hesitated outside the ambassador's office, took a deep breath, and raised her fist to knock on the door.

But before her knuckle made contact with the wood, Cullen yanked it open, almost colliding with the immobile Seren.

"Maker's breath!" Surprise registered on his face, as he stopped dead in the doorway.

"Gosh, sorry…" Seren managed. She looked up into his face, a little shocked by what she saw; his complexion deathly white, his jaw set and brow damp, a pained look in his eyes. "Are you alright?"

Shadows appeared in his eyes, and she could feel the chill between them.

_Ok I know I was drunk last night but…_

"Watch where you're going  _Lieutenant_." Cullen growled, pushing past her. She moved out of his way, pressing herself against the wall and watched him go, completely baffled.

The Seeker appeared at the doorway, stopping when she saw Seren. "Don't take it personally. He's… After you see the ambassador, I must talk with you Lieutenant. There are things we need to discuss." And she disappeared after Cullen.

Seren remained where she was, her head spinning, and not just from the previous night's alcohol consumption, unsure what had just happened.

_What in the Maker's name is going on with everyone today?_

She tucked the loose strands of hair around her face behind her ears, before pushing herself off the wall and knocking on the ajar door.

"Come in Lieutenant." The distinctive Antivaan accent of the ambassador from the depths of her office. Seren reluctantly entered, finding Josephine in the company of the spymaster.

_Ahh… crap._

"You asked to see me ambassador?" Her tone as civil as she could manage, this meeting beginning to feel like entrapment as she closed the door.

"Josephine, please Lieutenant. We are all friends here." The ambassador forced a smile, which the Lieutenant reciprocated. Josephine gestured towards one of the chairs surrounding the fireplace. "Please sit."

"I'd rather stand, if that's alright."

"Of course." Another smile. "I imagine you are wondering why we asked you here?"

Seren nodded.

"You have been receiving letters from the Comtesse de Bellamy of Orlais." Leliana interjected.

"I cannot… deny the accusation." Seren replied slowly, fighting to keep her voice steady, adrenaline pulsing through her veins.

"She is your maternal Grandmother?"

"Is that a question or statement of what you already know, seeing as you have read my mail?"

"It is standard procedure Lieutenant. For the Inquisition's best interests." Leliana was undeterred, her expression composed with no hint of contempt.

"Of course." Seren forced a smile, replying through gritted teeth. "You must forgive me spymaster. Ambassador. I forgot my place."

"No harm done Lieutenant." Leliana sank into one of the cushioned chairs surrounding a table laid with morning tea; cakes and biscuits, toasts and conserves, fine china cups and saucers. Josephine sat on the opposite side, reached over to pick up the teapot and began filling the spymaster's cup with fresh tea.

_Well this is surreal…_

"May I offer you a cup Lieutenant?"

"Thank you but no, ambas… Josephine." The ambassador smiled, poured herself a cup before returning the teapot to the table. Seren stood awkwardly, resisting the urge to run.

"As I am sure you are aware, within a few weeks the Inquisition will be attending the peace talks in Halamshiral." Leliana paused, glancing at the Lieutenant over the rim of her teacup. She realised the spymaster was waiting for her to reply.

"Oh… I am aware, yes." Leliana smiled and took a sip of tea, before replacing the cup on its saucer.

"The talks are a delicate matter, especially with the threat to the Empress. Hence, we shall require allies within the Orlesian court."

_They want to recruit my grandmother._

_How wonderful._

Neither of the seated women spoke, studying the Lieutenant intensely. Jadedly, Seren began to speak. "Please feel free to contact…"

"We already have."

There was a long pause, as Seren tried to process the new information.

"Then, as you are evidently neither asking for my permission nor, I suspect, my forgiveness, why did you summon me?"

"The Comtesse has agreed to assist the Inquisition on one condition." Josephine tore her gaze from the Lieutenant, smoothing out her dress with her hands.

_Dare I ask?_

"Which is?"

"You must attend the ball at her side."

Seren snorted, to which Josephine grimaced. "I'm sorry,  _what_?"

"You are to receive lessons from Josephine and myself in Orlesian etiquette, as well as instruction on dancing, and you shall be fitted for a dress within the week."

"You're kidding right?"

"This is no joke Lieutenant." Leliana's tone level.

"Do I not have a say in this?"

"In this matter, no." The spymaster took another sip of tea, enjoying the Lieutenant's bewildered expression.

Seren took a moment, thinking through her options, trying to find a loophole, an escape clause. She calmed her thoughts, stared Leliana straight in the eye resolutely asking, "What if I refuse?"

"Then consider your position with the Inquisition terminated."

_What the fuck?_

"You can't…" She began to protest.

"You underestimate me, Lieutenant." Leliana interrupted flatly.

"I really have no choice?" Seren asked hopelessly.

"No. You don't. Everything has been cleared with the Commander so we shall begin tomorrow."

_When did you become so cold?_

Seren thought back to the young bard she'd met during the blight, the rogue with a pretty face and sweet disposition, who was without doubt capable of handling herself, but still managed to be charming, enchanting even.

The woman before her, bore barely any resemblance to the figure from memory.

"Is there anything else?" Seren asked, wanting nothing more than to go and lie down, to hide from the world, at least for a few hours.

_Shit, Cullen wanted to see me._  She remembered their encounter in the doorway, her heart sinking.  _And Cassandra._

_Just when I thought today couldn't get any worse…_

"Actually, yes. I would like to know where the Queen is." Seren's heart stopped. "The Inquisitor has asked to make contact."

"I don't…"

"Don't think me a fool, Lieutenant. I am fully aware that you became the Queen's confidant after the Blight. You were adored, so I highly doubt that she would not have informed you of her whereabouts." The spymaster glared at Seren, her tone icy, hostile even. All traces of the earlier civility had vanished.

"I haven't heard anything from her since the night she left."

"But you know of her errand?"

Reluctantly Seren disclosed the circumstances of the Queen's disappearance, the purpose of her expedition being the hope for a cure for the Calling, and of the vague details of her possible location.

"Thank you Lieutenant. You're dismissed."

Seren bowed, turned and left, slamming the door shut behind her slightly harder than she'd intended.


	24. A Little Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a resignation is offered...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the comments :) It really makes my day to read what you all think so far!

Feeling practically chastised from her conversation with Leliana and Josephine, Seren reluctantly headed into the Throne room. Cassandra was stood waiting for her, approaching immediately.

"Follow me Lieutenant." The Seeker didn't wait for a response.

Seren trailed after her, back out into the sunshine, the birds chirping happily and the recruits practising in the yard. Cassandra disappeared into the barracks, holding the door for Seren.

"Leave." An order to the few recruits that were still milling around. They quickly vanished through the other door, not wanting to feel the heat of the Seeker's wrath. "Close the door."

Seren did as she was told, before joining Cassandra by the fireplace.

"The Commander came to me this morning, offering his resignation and recommending a replacement." She said flatly.

Seren's jaw hit the floor. "What?"

"He feels that he is no longer capable of up-keeping his vows to the Inquisition, his withdrawal having become too great a burden. He has recommended that you take his place."

"Wait, go back. Cullen isn't taking lyrium?" Her voice was several decibels higher than normal.

Cassandra's features twisted in confusion. "He has not told you?"

"No. He hasn't." Seren took a step back, beginning to pace the room, suddenly everything becoming clear.

_The mood swings, the headaches, the cold sweats…_

And yet at the same time, it felt like the world was shattering into a million pieces around her.

She stopped, turning to Cassandra. "How long hasn't he been taking it?"

"For a few months now. Since he joined the Inquisition."

"Why didn't he tell me?" She spoke quietly, half to herself, wondering why he wouldn't confide in her.

"In truth, I believed he had." The Seeker then added, "Perhaps he didn't want to risk your disappointment."

" _My_  disappointment?" She asked incredulously.

"He cares about you, and your opinion, a great deal."

Seren stood staring at the Seeker for many moments, completely lost as to what to say. Eventually Cassandra broke the silence.

"Do not take this as a slight against your person, but I refused his request."

Relief coursed through her body. Being Cullen's Second was one thing, being Commander of the Inquisition was a whole other ball game. And she knew that without Cullen, she would have no reason to remain there.

"Believe me, I'm glad. What he's suggesting is madness! He has no reason to step down."

"I agree entirely. Removing him from his position would destroy him and he has come so far. Templars are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove to himself, and to anyone who would follow suit, that it's possible. He can do this. And if anyone can change his mind, it's you."

Seren took a moment, thinking it through, praying that the Seeker was right and that Cullen would listen to her, that he'd accept her help.

"Thank you Cassandra. I shall speak to him."

"Good luck Lieutenant."

Seren nodded and left the barracks. She jogged across the courtyard, climbed the wall stairs two at a time, unsure whether she was more upset or angry at the Commander. She reached his door, decided not to knock and pushed against it gently, preventing the hinges from screeching as they usually did.

She stood silently in the doorway, Cullen hunched over his desk, completely oblivious of her presence. She was about to clear her throat to announce herself, when Cullen stood, yelled and threw a rectangular wooden box across the room. In her direction. Narrowly missing her head.

The box smashed against the door, hitting the stone flags with a bang, the lid hanging on by one hinge, the contents smashed on the floor. Seren jumped back in surprise, a horrified expression on her face. Cullen spotted her, a similar expression flooding his features.

"Maker's breath! I didn't hear you enter. I…" Lost for words, he hung his head in shame. "Forgive me."

Seren's heart broke to see him that way. She racked her mind for something to say, something, anything, to lighten the mood.

"At least you missed?" She offered a smile. Cullen didn't return it.

"I'm assuming Cassandra has spoken with you?" He tried to walk to her, but his knees buckled, his hands grasping the table edge for support. Seren was by his side in an instant but he brushed her away. "I'm alright."

"No offense, but you're not." He lent on the desk, Seren hovering as close as she dared.

"I never meant for this to interfere." His tone hopeless, his expression one of true despair.

"Why didn't you tell me you'd stopped taking it?" She asked gently, testing the waters.

"Like you told me about the Comtesse de Bellamy?" He shot back, daggers in his eyes.

"Touché." Seren held up her hands. "I guess we were both keeping secrets."

"I guess we were."

There was a long pause, neither knowing what to say to the other.

"Cullen, I agree with the Seeker." She said hesitantly. "There's no reason for you to step down..."

"Isn't there?" Cullen snapped. "You should be questioning all that I've done! I thought this would be better, that I could regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won't leave me." He got to his feet, his rage all-consuming. "How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!" He punched the bookcase, several volumes falling from their places to the floor. "I should be taking it." He whispered, helplessly.

"Cullen look at me." Seren placed her hand on his arm, gently applying pressure so he would turn to her. "Look at me." The Commander reluctantly did as she instructed.

"You don't give yourself enough credit." She tilted her head, trying to keep her tone reassuring, wanting nothing more to embrace the man she loved. "On our way to Haven, when you told me about… what happened, I could tell you saw all this as weakness. But it's not. Cullen, it's really not." She paused, unable to meet his gaze. "You're the strongest person I've ever met, and you don't even realise that. I can't even imagine… But here you are. Fighting to be free." She caught his eye "And you're winning…"

"Am I? These memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I cannot endure this…" He bowed his head.

"You can. And you will." She placed her fingers beneath his chin, lifting his face so their eyes would meet, smiling. "But if not, we'll leave the Inquisition with our heads held high because we tried."

"We?"

"Of course we, stupid. I told you, I'm here to stay. Cullen Stanton Rutherford, if you go, I go."

"Seren…"

"Nope. No talking me out of it. I've made up my mind." Shaking her head with a smile. "Anyway, you're going to beat this. Which means I'm stuck in this shithole for the foreseeable future. But I think it's worth the sacrifice." She winked at him, knowing he was considering it, knowing she was right.

"It's going to get worse before it gets better. If it gets better…" Cullen confessed, still half expecting her to make a run for it.

"It will." She reassured him. "I guess I'll just have to make myself comfy, won't I? I might need a cot put in here though. That chair is misleading…"

"Why didn't you tell me about your grandmother?" Seren was a little stunned by the sudden shift in subject. She walked over to the door, picking up the broken box and sweeping in the shattered contents, an excuse to not reply immediately.

"Because I didn't know until after you'd left." Seren straightened, before moving back to the desk, placing the box back on the wood delicately, as if to avoid further damage.

"Then why not recently?"

"Because it wasn't relevant." She looked him straight in the eye. "That's not who I am, nor who I will ever be, despite what Leliana and Josephine might wish for."

"When did you find out?"

Seren sighed sadly, gathering the fallen books and replacing them in their slots on the shelf. "Mother told me when she was dying. It turns out Father had been a gardener on the Bellamy estate and one spring, they fell madly in love. Of course, my Grandmother did not approve of the match and did everything within her power to separate them, hoping to marry my mother off to some noble or other's son. So my parents eloped and ended up in Ferelden."

"You're really the only heir?"

"Yep. Isn't that marvellous." Seren replied sarcastically.

"What happens if your Grandmother…"

Seren knew exactly where he was going. "Nope. After Halamshiral, I want nothing to do with that woman. Or her fortune. The noble vultures of Orlais can sort that out amongst themselves."  _I won't leave you, I promise._ The last part remained unsaid.

"You don't want anything?"

"Not a single penny." She said honestly.

"But you could live in comfort for the rest of your life…"

"Pampered and preened I'm sure. But where's the fun in that? I'm happy the way I am Cullen. I've lived like this my whole life. I haven't got time for the Game or whatever dross nobility busy their days with. I'm a soldier, through and through." She smiled. "Now come on, let's get something to eat."

She held up her hand, knowing he was going to protest. "No buts. Let's go Commander. Double time."

For the first time that day, a genuine smirk spread across his face. "Are you always this bloody bossy?"

She gave him one of her looks. "Don't start Rutherford."

"Yes Lieutenant." Seren thought he was going to walk past her but instead he pulled her into an embrace. A slightly awkward embrace, his armour digging into her unprotected ribs but she relaxed into it anyway. "Thank you Seren."

"Anytime." Her voice was heavy muffled, her face pressed against his breastplate. "Not that this isn't nice and everything, but you're kind of suffocating me." He released her, his cheeks pink.

"Sorry. I don't know what came over me…" He began to rub the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed.

"I know I'm annoying but hugging me to death's a bit  _drastic_." Seren grinned, amused, and Cullen laughed, tipping his head back slightly, all the former tension dissipated. "Come on, I'm starving."


	25. Balancing Acts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Seren's lessons begin...

The next week was a blur. Seren's squad were training without her, the Commander personally covering her sessions, while the less-than-impressed Lieutenant was drilled for the ball. What Cullen didn't tell her, was that he was glad to keep busy, the extra training leaving less time to dwell on his lyrium withdrawal, though it often found him once he was alone waiting for Seren in the dark of his office.

She worried he was over-doing it; some nights she'd return to find him slumped on the floor, unable to stand, barely able to speak, drenched in sweat and half-delusional. He was eating less every day, Seren having to sit with him to make sure he'd finish his plate. The headaches and nightmares were getting worse, much worse. It was taking more to wake him, seemingly sinking deeper every night. But despite everything, Cullen seemed determined and she could only admire him for that.

She was exhausted, her lessons with the spy-master and ambassador combined with the sleepless nights dragging her down, though she tried not to let it show for Cullen's sake.

Josephine and Leliana had been pleased to discover she had some dancing ability and a lack of two left feet; the steps Seren's mother had taught her as a child coming back with surprising ease.

However, Seren struggled with basically everything else and she was quickly losing patience with Leliana's constant criticisms.

"Lieutenant, for the sake of the Maker please stop looking at your feet. You must walk with complete confidence."

"You have seen the height of these monstrosities right?" Seren's balance waned, and she only just managed to keep her footing.

"You must be able to walk and dance with grace."

"Dance? In these? Are you joking?" Leliana ignored her.

"Straighten your back." The spymaster placed her hand on the small of the Lieutenant's back, which Seren jolted away from, as if the touch burned. The book that had been balanced on her head fell, hitting the stone floor with a thud. Leliana sighed, clearly frustrated. "You must practise Lieutenant."

"What do you think I'm doing right now? Doing this for the good of my  _health_?" Seren snapped.

_Count to ten._

_Breathe._

_You can do this._

"Start again." Leliana pushed the book into Seren's chest, her tone firm. Reluctantly, she placed the volume back on her head, straightening her back as well she could and began to walk again. She made it further that time, before stumbling and hitting the floor herself.

"And again Lieutenant."

"You know what? I'm done." Seren got to her feet, ripped off the shoes and threw them across the room. "I'm tired. I'm starving. I'm _done_."

"Lieutenant!" Seren ignored her, walking as quickly as she could, trying not to look like she was fleeing, knowing that was exactly what she was doing. "Lieutenant come back here!"

She slammed the door behind her, escaping into the evening chill of Skyhold's courtyard.

_She's going to make me regret that._

Seren sighed, slumping against the fortress wall. The courtyard was quiet, except for the rustle of leaves, a slight mountainous breeze stirring them on its travels. There was a distant murmur coming from the mess hall, which at that time of night would be full with hungry soldiers. She couldn't face that, no matter how much her stomach protested.

Cullen came out of the stables. Noticing her, he shouted, "Bad day?"

She smiled, thankful for the distraction and walked over to him. He looked better, if only slightly, as if a weight had been lifted.

"You can say that again. What were you doing in there?"

"I came to check on Lexi because you've been busy." Cullen replied as if she should have expected him to be there, as if it were part of his regular routine, and just something she had forgotten.

"You didn't have to do that." She said gratefully.

"I know. But I wanted to." Then he added. "She's a good listener."

"Someone once told me that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."

"Like I said, Lexi was listening." They smiled at each other. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes." She sighed. "No."

"Alright." He looked lost in thought for a moment. Then he grinned. "Come with me." He took her hand before she could reply.

He led her to the training dummies beside the barracks, releasing her hand only to pick up the two wooden poles that had been leaning against the wall. He tossed one to her, which she caught with a bemused expression on her face.

"What's this for?"

"I've seen Bull and Krem using them. Now I'm not suggesting we copy them, because it usually involves one sided battery of the other. But I thought we could spar for a while."

"Why?"

"Because you look like you want to hit something. Or maybe someone specifically?" He gave her a knowing look. "And as you're not in uniform, this is my best solution."

She studied him closely, noting the bags under his eyes, the heaviness of his shoulders. And yet, Cullen was doing as much as to keep her sane as she was for him.

"What if I don't want to hit you?" Cullen took a swing, which Seren dodged at the last moment. "Oh ok then. I see how it is." She retaliated, with a mad grin, their poles clashing in the middle.

For a time, they took each other's blows, stumbling around in the gloom, until the day's light vanished completely.

Breathless and drenched in sweat, Cullen bent over with his hands on his knees, his armour feeling twice its usual weight, Seren leaning against the Tavern's back wall, her shirt sticking to her uncomfortably.

"Maker's balls, I feel old." She managed, running her hand through her damp hair.

"Join the club."

"We used to play from dawn till dusk, and  _still_  have energy left over."

"I don't know about that. You  _were_  pretty exhausting."

"Oh, you're going to get it Rutherford." She ran at him, planning on tackling him, but he braced. It felt like she'd ran straight into a brick wall. She groaned.

"Nice try Lieutenant." He smirked at her, his arms embracing her. She glared at him.

"Kill joy."

"I've changed my mind. You're still pretty exhausting." She went to elbow him, realising too late that he  _was_  in uniform, the shock vibrating straight up her arm.

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck…" She pushed away.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, two seconds." Seren rolled her shoulder, massaging her elbow. "Bashing your humerus just isn't as entertaining as the name suggests."

She rolled up her sleeve, a faint dark smudge growing under her skin. "Bugger, that's bruising."

"Maybe you should think twice before beating up your senior officer next time?" He smirked at her.

"Ha ha." She answered sardonically, narrowing her eyes and sticking her tongue out at him. "Leliana isn't going to be best pleased when she sees me all battered and bruised… Someone's going to be in trouble." She smirked at him, raising one eyebrow.

"And I'm clearly to blame?"

"Exactly. Everything's your fault, stupid."

"Oh of course. How foolish of me to forget." He smiled, then his expression turned serious. "Is she that bad?"

"Do you need to ask? She thinks I'm not trying, that I think it's a joke. I mean it is, a big fat joke, but… I'm doing my best."

"I know you are."

"Well could you tell her that?" Seren snapped, instantly regretting it. She sighed. "Have you got any more of that Maker-awful rum?"

"Is that a good idea?" She gave him one of her looks. "Forget I asked."

Back in his office, Cullen located the bottle while Seren grabbed two glasses. She perched on the edge of his desk, glancing over the reports that littered the surface, noticing a page with familiar handwriting.

" _Dear Mia, I'm still alive. Your loving brother, Cullen."_

_Honestly, is it so difficult? We thought you were dead._ Again _…_

"I see Mia finally tracked you down." Seren raised an eyebrow.

Cullen flushed a little. "Yes, I forgot to…"

"Bullshit."

He sighed. "I didn't know what to say to her."

"Well, what she suggested at the top of that letter would have worked."

"I know. Have you read it all?"

"No. 'Again' though?"

"I may have forgotten to write before now…" He blush grew as he began to rub the back of his neck.

"Cullen Stanton Rutherford, you terrible human being." Seren laughed, shaking her head.

_If he can't even write to his sister, it's not really a surprise you didn't hear from him for over 10 years…_

"She asks about you. Says you haven't written in a while either."

"Well I've apparently written more than you."

"Have you heard from your father recently?" Cullen asked, desperate to change the topic.

"I received a letter from him a few weeks ago. He's… I don't know. He's getting older and without… with me being away…"

"You should visit him."

"Oh yes, in all my spare time."

"It could be arranged. I hear the Commander is a reasonable man." He filled the two glasses Seren had placed on the desk, before handing one to her.

"I know but… Maybe. After the peace talks."

"Does he know?"

"That I'm going to be a pampered princess for the night? No. I think that would definitely send him to an early grave." Cullen winced a little, while Seren downed the contents of her glass. "I worry he'll be… disappointed I guess."

"Why?" Cullen asked surprised, confused even.

"My mother left that life behind for a reason."

"That is true, but I don't think he could ever be disappointed by you." He smiled warmly, the firelight dancing in his eyes like it did back in her office in Denerim.

_A lifetime ago._

She smiled back, tracing his handsome features with her eyes, wanting more than anything to reach out and touch…

"Another?" She asked, lowering her gaze, trying to slow her racing heart, burying her emotions. He filled her glass, one hand holding the bottle, the other steadying the glass in her hand, his fingers brushing her wrist. She felt her breath catch, cursing herself silently for being so obvious. He let go, replacing the bottle on the desk.

He held his own glass up in the air. "To being a pampered princess for the night."

She laughed, clinking her glass to his, before downing the contents in one.

That night, Seren awoke to his shout as usual. She pushed back the blanket of her bed roll, and stood, her eyes still half shut. She stretched out the cricks in her back, running her hand over her face.

_Here we go._

She climbed the ladder, apprehensive of the state Cullen would be in when she reached the top. He was talking, begging someone to stop, pleading with them, apologising.

"I'm sorry… please… I tried… please… don't…"

She reached his bedside, crouching in the dark, whispering softly. "Cullen. It's alright Cullen. Just wake up."

"Please… I'm so sorry… please… Seren…" Her blood ran cold, time freezing around her. There was no sound. She'd stop breathing.

_He's dreaming about… me?_

_I'm his nightmare?_

"Please Seren… don't…" He thrashed, stretching out to someone unseen, trying to stop them.

_Trying to stop me._

She went dizzy, falling backwards, landing with a loud crash on the wooden floorboards. Cullen bolted upright, disorientated and confused, searching for the source of the noise. His eyes found hers in the dark.

"Seren?" Panic flooded his features. He ripped back the covers, crouching down beside her. "Seren, did I hurt you? Seren? Did I hurt you?" He demanded, searching for any signs of injury and finding none, reaching out to her, his fingers lingering but not touching.

She blinked at him. "No." She cleared her throat, speaking with greater resolve. "No, I tripped. Over a floorboard. Sorry. I'm good."

His expression became one of relief, his whole body relaxing in an instant. "I thought… Never mind. Here." He offered his hand, helping her to stand.

"Thanks. I guess I'll just…" She gestured to the ladder, her head spinning, giving him a half-hearted smile. "Night." She moved across the floor, turning only to climb down the ladder. Cullen watched her go, lowering his gaze when she turned.

Seren heard him return to bed, as she herself crawled back into her bedroll. She tried not to think about it. She didn't want to ask.

_It's a one-time thing._

_He's never mentioned you before._

_Let it go._

Eventually she'd drifted asleep, only to dream of Cullen battling demons with her face.


	26. Knowing the Odds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a bet is made...

As another week slipped away, the ball growing closer with each passing day, Seren tried not to dwell on the 'incident'. Cullen was still having nightmares every night, but he never shouted her name again, although she had found herself ascending the ladder with extraordinary speed, not allowing any hesitation that could result in undesired consequences.

Cullen seemed better, experiencing only one nightmare a night, if that. The headaches were less, or so he said, and despite his obvious exhaustion at the end of their long days, she hadn't found him on the floor of his office, unable to stand, once. Still, she wondered if he was putting on an act so she would feel better about leaving him for a few days.

Leliana had revealed that three days prior to the ball, Seren was expected to travel to the Bellamy estate, to meet her Grandmother and run through final preparations; the underlying intention being to give them time to get their stories straight; specifically the one that the spymaster had weaved herself.

As far as the Orlesian nobles would know, her mother had married well (but details would be undisclosed) and Seren, for much of her life, had been travelling Thedas to further her education. Facts of this extended tour, including the small details that would make the story believable, were concocted by Josephine and Seren had been meticulously studying the transcript she'd been given, along with the paintings and sketches the spymaster had collected for her.

Josephine interrogated her daily, quizzing her until she got every question right, even if the light of the day had long since vanished and several candles had burnt into nothing.

Seren had to admit that it was a good story. She could almost imagine it was real, that she really had visited all the places on the 'tour', could almost taste the unfamiliar food and drink, could almost smell the sea air. It was believable, but Seren hated the deceit, hated the idea of lying to the whole Orlesian court; even if they were self-righteous snobs, the principle remained.

One morning, Seren had been scurrying past the barracks, heading to meet Josephine to have her measurements taken, when two of the recruits had spotted her. Reynolds nudged Wilson, who looked up and smirked when he saw her.

"Not in a dress today Lieutenant?" Wilson shouted to her.

_Ignore them. It's not worth it._  Seren slowed her pace but kept walking. Rumours of her lessons had spread through Skyhold pretty quickly and she'd heard the odd gibe, but her patience was growing thin.

"Slumming it with the rest of us are you?" Reynolds leered.

"Should we call you Lady now Lieut? Lady Lieut?" Reynolds snorted at his friend's joke, and Wilson's smirk grew larger, along with his confidence.

"Maybe you could teach the squad the quadrille?" Wilson grabbed Reynolds, and the two pretended to waltz, humming tunelessly. They dissolved into hysterics. Seren stopped, her temper flaring.

"A question: have either of you two got any idea what it's like to wear one of those Maker forsaken corsets?" She snapped.

Blank looks.

"No. I didn't think so." She turned to leave.

"It's only clothing. Didn't realise you were such a pussy Lieut." The recruits sniggered.

Seren stopped dead in her tracks.

_Ignore them. Count to ten and walk away._

She inhaled deeply, desperately not wanting to cause a scene. And then she had an idea. She whirled round, the corners of her mouth curling into a mischievous grin.

"Right, which one of you wants to lose 3 gold?"

* * *

Seren was halfway through the apple she'd grabbed from the kitchen, perched comfortably on the wall with a clear view of her bet, when the Commander walked past in conversation with one of Leliana's scouts. He nodded to her, which she returned with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

Suspicion crossed his features. She nodded in the recruit's direction. His eyes flickered to Wilson, his suspicion quickly replaced with confusion. Cullen concluded his conversation, the scout hurrying off to some unknown task, before he crossed the space between them, standing just feet away from the wall.

"Lieutenant?"

"Commander."

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is that recruit wearing a corset?" He gestured at Wilson, his tone disbelieving.

Seren took an exaggerated bite of her apple, unable to contain her smile. "He is indeed."

There was a pause as Cullen thought it through, watching the recruit, the corners of his mouth twitching despite his best efforts.

"Lieutenant?"

"Yes Commander?" She smiled at him sweetly.

"Why is the recruit turning blue?" He tried to maintain control of his voice, but the amusement was obvious.

"Because I'm winning our bet." Another complacent bite of her apple.

"How much?"

"3 gold." She answered slowly.

"How long has he got to last for?"

"An hour."

"How long's it been?"

"10 minutes." Seren grinned at him smugly, enjoying herself thoroughly.

The recruit was struggling, he was slumped against the courtyard wall, desperately trying to pretend that he was okay.

And then he was down, his eyes rolling back into his head as he passed out.

"Point proven, don't you think?" She jumped to her feet, finishing her apple and tossing it into the nearest bush, which received an unimpressed look from her Commander, but he let it slide. She dusted herself off and smiled.

"Do I even want to know what that's all about?" He glanced at Wilson's unconscious form.

"Probably not."

Cullen nodded slowly before saying "The Inquisitor wants to see you by the way." A smile spreading across his face.

"Oh?" She replied questioningly.

"Josephine and Leliana already know."

"That's not what my 'oh?' was asking."

"I know. Just go see." The Commander smirked before turning on his heels, and walking away.

_Weird…_

By the time she reached Wilson's side, Reynolds was already cutting him out of the corset. The freed recruit jolted upwards, taking large gulps of air like a parched man would water. As soon as he could string a sentence together, he began to beg.

"Please Lieutenant, I can't afford to pay. I'll do anything, please my kids will starve…"

"You're on latrine duty for a month. Actually make that two." Seren replied flatly. "Next time, I expect you to remember to treat your superiors with respect recruit. And  _never_ , take a bet if you can't pay up. That's a slippery slope, especially with a family dependent on you. Now go. I'll be inspecting the barracks personally this evening, and if I can't see my face in the floor, the two of you will be in my firing line. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Lieutenant." They answered in unison as Wilson scrambled to his feet, both men standing to attention.

"Dismissed." The men fled, risking the occasional nervous glance over their shoulders back at the Lieutenant, who stood with her arms folded and a stern expression. When they finally disappeared into the barracks, she sighed, shaking her head, and then jogged up the steps into the Throne room two at a time.

* * *

When Seren reached the Inquisitor's quarters, Maegan was leant with her hands draped over the balcony, staring out across the Frostbacks, the wind whipping at her hair. Seren couldn't help noticing how tired she looked, a lost expression on her face as though the world before her had changed beyond recognition.

_Perhaps it has._

Maegan noticed her in the corner of her eye, turning to face the Lieutenant, the corners of her mouth upturning into a kind smile.

"I did knock but there was no answer." Seren said hesitantly, wondering if she was interrupting. She quickly added, "The Commander said you wanted to see me?"

"Don't worry Seren. I do and I'm glad you could join me. I have something for you." She tossed something at Seren before she could respond, a dull metal object flying through the air into her awaiting hands.

_A key?_

"To your new quarters." The Inquisitor spoke as if Seren had thought a loud.

"But I'm not scheduled to receive quarters for several months?"

"I may have bumped you up the list a little." Maegan winked, still smiling warmly. "As a thanks for all you've done, and all that you're doing."

"You really didn't have to…" Maegan gave her a look.

"I am aware but it has been my pleasure. I have asked a couple of recruits to move your effects across this morning, so it should be ready for you by this afternoon."

Seren couldn't contain her smile.

_I'll have walls. And an actual bed. And a fireplace._

She was practically giddy, this unexpected gift more than she could have wished for.

_No more cold, gusty nights beneath canvas._

_No more draughts through the door flap._

_No chance of hitting your head on the roof and getting accidentally drenched from the water pouring through the canvas when it was raining._

"Thank you so much Inquisit..." Another look. "Thank you Maegan."

"You are most welcome." She nodded, a picture of perfect grace. "I have been meaning to ask, how are you feeling about Halamshiral?"

"Nervous." Seren confessed. "I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off."

"I have complete faith that you will. And though it may not seem it, so do Leliana and Josie." Surprise registered on Seren's face. "You are doing incredibly well Seren. I can only imagine how difficult it is. It was bad enough for me learning from childhood. But you are having to fit a lifetime's worth of education into a matter of weeks. And with everything you are doing for Cullen as well! I don't know how you do it."

"You know about that then?" She was a little surprised to discover Cullen had spoken of their arrangement to the Inquisitor.

"Yes. Cullen has told me everything. He believes, as I do, that transparency is a necessity. I am glad he has you to help him through this."

"I just want to be there for him."

"Of course. Come, let's have tea." The Inquisitor disappeared into her room, while Seren took one last look across the mountains. She had to admit it was rather breath-taking, the snow-covered peaks spectacular against the clear blue sky as far as the eye could see, stretching into infinity beyond the horizon.

_Fucking freezing though._

She shrugged her shoulders and walked inside, the heat from the lit fireplace instantly dispelling the cold from her bones.

Maegan filled two teacups, her cropped curls falling into her face as she poured. She straightened and returned the teapot to the table. "Sugar?"

"No thank you. I'm sweet enough." Maegan laughed.

"You're still maintaining your famous sense of humour I see."

"Always." Seren smiled.

"Please sit."

"Thank you." Seren took a seat as Maegan sat down across the table from her. She hesitated before speaking. "If you don't mind my asking, how are you feeling about the ball?"

Maegan sighed. "Much the same as you I think. Although, for different reasons. I worry we will not be able to save the Empress, and what that would mean for Orlais, for the Inquisition. For Thedas." Shadows appeared in her eyes. "I worry we won't be able to stop Corypheus." Maegan's voice was barely audible.

"We will. You will." Her tone was reassuring, as she replied without pause.

Maegan laughed a little, brightening slightly. "At least one of us is sure. I have to admire your optimism."

"It's not optimism. It's something I have to believe to be true. I want there to come a day when we're all ancient in our rocking chairs, reminiscing and laughing about all that happened here."

Maegan studied her for a moment, causing Seren to blush. "Sorry. I told you I ramble right?"

"I don't think that's rambling. I think that's a dream. And I hope you're right, for all our sakes."

Both drank from their cups, a little lost with what to say. "I received communication from the Hero of Ferelden the day before yesterday."

"The Queen? Is she well?"

"She seems it, yes." Maegan stood, walked to her desk, opened and closed a drawer, before returning with the letter. "Here. Read it for yourself." Seren took the page from the Inquisitor's outstretched hand, scanning the text fervently. "If you want to write, I can make sure it gets to her."

"Thank you. I'm glad she's well. I owe her, and the King, everything."

"Yes, Cullen has told me. You have had quite a remarkable story."

"Hardly." Seren snorted. "I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time for a lot of it."

"I think I know the feeling." Maegan gave her another look and they both laughed.

"Yes I guess you do. Although, I think some might argue you were in the right place. Otherwise it would all have been over by now."

"That is true. Still, this isn't what I wanted." Maegan shook her head, forcing a smile. "But it's what I got."


	27. Duty Above All Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren leaves for Orlais...

"You're all healed up Lieutenant. That's as good as it's going to get, I'm afraid." The healer stepped back, offering her a gentle smile. "Unless you want them removed, but that's not my area of expertise. I can recommend someone though."

"Thank you." Following Leliana's insistence, Seren had gone to the healer to have the wound from Adamant checked before leaving for Orlais. "If it's all the same to you, I think I'll keep them for a while. As a souvenir." She rolled down her shirt and hopped off the bench.

"Each to their own." The healer moved on to check on his other patients and Seren left the infirmary. She found Cullen waiting for her outside.

"Everything ok?" He asked, his expression one of sobriety.

"Yep. I'm good to go." Neither smiled as they began walking towards his office.

"Taylor and Brett are to accompany you." Cullen said impassively, breaking the silence.

"That's really not necessary."

"No but it will give me piece of mind." She glanced at him but he refused to meet her gaze. They began the ascent up the ancient stone stairs, both trying to find something to say to the other. "Master Dennet has been seeing to Lexi personally, so she will be ready when you are."

Seren stopped walking, the small talk suddenly unbearable. "I don't have to go you know." Cullen paused a few steps above her, his eyes searching her face. "I can talk to Leliana. I'll resign if that's what you want, what you need."

She wondered what made her say it, why at the precise moment in time she made a final attempt to get him to ask her to stay, despite all his demons, despite the sleepless nights and the cold floors.

But Seren already knew the answer.

She wanted him to want her to stay, to want that more than the desire to fulfil his duty, or for her to fulfil hers. For him to want her above everything else.

"The Inquisition needs you to do this." He said, although he couldn't pretend her thoughts hadn't crossed his own mind.

"Screw the Inquisition." Her voice was louder than she'd expected, causing Cullen to glance around nervously but there was no one there to hear. "If you need me to stay…"

"I'll be fine. I'll manage." The Commander replied firmly, and Seren knew he had made up his mind, his determination clear.

_No backing out now Seren._

"Alright then. I guess I shall just see you at the ball then." She skipped up the remaining steps, a forced smile on her lips.

"Lieutenant!" Seren popped her head over the wall trying to locate the source of the shout. It was Brett. "Master Dennet says our horses are ready."

"Thank you Brett. I'll be there in 10." She turned back to Cullen. "Guess I'd better go get dressed."

"I guess so." He smiled but his eyes betrayed him, shadows lurking in their depths. "Good luck Lieutenant."

"You too Commander. See you in three days." Seren slid down the stone banister, her hair flowing behind her, a crazed expression on her face. At the bottom, she just managed to stop herself from landing on her face but it was worth it to see to bemused expression that Cullen then wore. She saluted theatrically, which he rolled his eyes at.

"Just go already. You're giving me a headache just watching you." He shouted from above, a genuine smile on his lips.

"Aye aye Commander." She heard him laughing as she walked away.

Seren wasn't completely satisfied but she at least felt more hopeful that he would be able to cope alone. She reminded herself that it was only a few days, praying her concerns were purely the result of an over-active imagination.

Once in her room, Seren grabbed her armour from its stand and dressed, tying back her hair into the customary bun at the nape of her neck. The addition of her cloak was the final touch.

Her stomach was in knots. She took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself, the face in the mirror staring back with a nervous expression.

_I don't know if I can do this._

_I have no choice._

There was a knock. "Come in." She shouted half-heartedly.

Dorian swept into the room with a huge grin on his face. "Today's the day lovely Serenity."

Once he'd had discovered the truth about her family, Dorian had been like a dog with a bone, acting as a constant reminder, unable to drop it. Still at that moment, she was thankful for the distraction.

"Stop with the full name. It's driving me insane. It's Seren for reason."

"But it seems shame to shorten such a name, even if it doesn't appropriately match your personality." She pulled a face and he brought his hands up in surrender, a sly smile on his lips. "Alright, alright. Seeing as it's you."

"Do you need something Dorian? I've really got to go." She grabbed her pack from where it had been leaning against her bed, slinging it over her shoulder as she spoke.

"I just wanted to wish you luck." Seren glanced at him, a little astonished by the gesture.

"Oh..."

"Don't sound so surprised Lieutenant. Despite appearances, I do have a heart." Dorian said with a mock hurt expression. "But you are right. You have important places to be. Come, I'll walk with you." He held the door open for her, and together, they made their way back to Skyhold's courtyard.

"How is our charming Commander holding up?" Seren could feel his eyes watching her face. As she replied, she tried to keep her expression as neutral as possible, not wanting to give away her concern.

"He's better I think. His withdrawal symptoms…"

" _That's_  not what I meant." Dorian interrupted as they walked through the throne room. "How is he about you going away?"

_I wish he would learn to lower his voice._

"He's fine… Why do you ask?" She said slowly, her brow furrowing in spite of the fact she knew exactly what he had been referring to in the first place.

Dorian shook his head in despair."Either you are in completely oblivious or in total denial. I'm not sure which."

"Dorian, just because I have feelings for him, doesn't mean they are reciprocated." She spoke under her breath, though her tone was clearly one of exasperation, a voice for her worst fears.

_Why can't he just leave it alone?_

_Because he's your friend and he cares about you._ The thought was as unexpected as it was comforting.

"Have you asked him?" He persevered, much to Seren's dismay.

"No."

_Drop it. Please just drop it._

The mage sighed. "On occasion Lieutenant, our conversations can be most arduous."

They reached the open throne room entrance, to find the sky beyond forebodingly overcast. They walked in silence for the remainder of the way.

Taylor and Brett were awaiting her with their mounts by the gates, as a stable hand approached leading Lexi. Seren took the reins from the boy, thanking him as ran off back into the stables. She attached her pack to the saddle, before placing her foot in the stirrup and mounting.

She could feel Lexi settling beneath her, to bear their combined weight, the recruits rising onto the backs of their horses around her.

"You both good?" She turned to the women who were, at Cullen's request, to be her travel companions.

"Yes Ser." They replied simultaneously, both armed and seemingly prepared. Seren nodded.

"I expect the first dance Lieutenant." Dorian said, with his signature smirk, leaning lazily on his staff.

She rolled her eyes at him, which he returned with a cheeky wink.

"You would." Seren squeezed her calves, applying a gentle pressure to her horse's sides. Lexi responded instantly, proceeding in a steady trot. The recruits followed their Lieutenant's lead, advancing through the gate, leaving the courtyard behind. The rhythmic patter of hooves rang out with a distinctive metallic note from the horses' shoes as they rode across the ancient stone flags of Skyhold's bridge.

Seren glanced back only as they reached the road, drawn to a figure stood watching on the walls, with golden hair and an unmistakable red cloak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately updates after this are likely to be more sporadic as I haven't finished writing them yet. Apologies.  
> However, I'd just like to thank you for your continued support of Forgotten Lives. You are all amazing :)


	28. The Chateau de Bellamy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren arrives at the Bellamy estate...

The rain started around midday, at first only a fine drizzle, but as evening fell, it had become torrential, a storm raging as Seren and her companions rode well-worn, yet unfamiliar roads that quickly turned to mud. The surrounding fields became marsh, as the water fell on already saturated ground, thunder booming overhead, the occasional flash of lightning their only source of light. They were drenched, cold and exhausted, the rain relentless in its pursuit to reach the ground, too heavy for the clouds to bear.

"How much farther Lieutenant?" Taylor shouted in between the claps of thunder. Seren pulled out the map Leliana had given her from the depths of her cloak, trying to maintain control of Lexi and decipher the spymaster's handwriting in the gloom. The ink had already run in several places, raindrops dotting the page, dragging the illustration into a variety of misshapen forms; none of which matched the original, nor the actual path that lay ahead.

Seren swore under her breath, stuffing the page back under her cloak, hugging the sodden material closer to keep out the wind's chill.

"Not far." It was as much a lie as a hope, a prayer even.

They pushed on in what Seren hoped was the right direction, constantly scanning the hedgerow for a milestone or a signpost that could confirm her thoughts. But none appeared.

They had passed through a small village with an Inn a few miles back, and she decided that if the estate didn't come into view in the next 10 minutes, they were heading back the way they came regardless.

Reaching a crossroads, Seren brought Lexi to a stop, the horse sliding slightly through the mud, glancing down every option.

_Which way?_ Seren chewed at her lip, squinting through the darkness, hoping to spot anything that might point them in the right direction.

_Shit._

_This is pointless._

She was about to give the order to turn back, for them to head for the Inn, when a party of four riders approached along the north road. They slowed as they reached the crossroads themselves.

Seren noticed the tell-tale signs; the swords hanging at their horses' sides, the way they rode, backs straight and self-assured, the bulge of the breastplate beneath their cloaks.

_Soldiers…_  Her hand reached for the hilt of her sword subconsciously, hidden from view beneath her cloak.

The Lieutenant glanced at the recruits, who both nodded, understanding the signal.  _Be wary… Be ready…_

The leader of the party rode a great black thoroughbred stallion, all muscle and shine, which bucked a little when its rider pulled on the reins. "Lady Serenity Pasquet?" The rider lowered his hood, revealing a round, bearded face as he shouted against the elements.

"Who wants to know?" Seren replied, hesitant as always.

"I'm Ser Ashleigh, captain of the Bellamy estate's guard. The Comtesse sent me to ensure your safe arrival. You've been expected for hours." Seren relaxed a little but remained vigilant.

"The weather delayed us." She shouted back, her tone cool, revealing nothing. It was unlikely to be a trap, but Leliana had not mentioned a welcome party would come to meet them. Caution, if unnecessary, could do no harm.

"Indeed my lady. We'll lead you the rest of the way now." He smiled, despite the rain pouring down his face.

"Thank you." Ser Ashleigh nodded, replacing his hood, before setting off back down the northern road, his men close behind. Seren nodded to Taylor and Brett, and the three followed after the guardsmen.

Within five minutes, the estate came into view, the chateau appearing in all its majesty, suitably stately and impressive, in the glow of what must have been thousands of lit candles. She didn't envy the poor sod whose job it was to light all that lot.

Seren suppressed a groan, her heart sinking.

_I think I'd prefer that Inn._

The muddy road turned into a paved drive leading up to the chateau, hooves pounding the stones on the approach. Parallel lines of evenly spaced trees enclosed the avenue, which during the day, Seren was sure, would look rather charming; in the dark however, with the wind ripping at the branches, it created a far less than comforting atmosphere.

Ser Ashleigh led the group to the back of the house, dismounting as soon as they reached the shelter of the stables. In the candlelight, Seren saw that he was a big man, of reasonable height, probably in his mid-forties. His appearance was friendly enough, well defined laughter lines beneath his eyes, his ginger beard a prominent feature of his rounded face. From the way he held himself, she had no doubt that he was respected, seemingly a kind man, although one who knew how to lead, how to bring the best out of his men, a tough and wise soul. The type whose duty and honour comes above all else. She'd known quite a few of those in her time; still knew one in particular.

The Captain handed the reins to a young boy of no more than twelve, who Seren assumed to be one of the stable hands, and the horse was led away. He removed his riding gloves as he walked over to her. The other guards dismounted in a similar fashion, as Ser Ashleigh offered Seren his hand to help her down. "My lady?"

"Oh..." Seren couldn't hide her surprise, the gesture entirely unforeseen. Never, not once in the entirety of her life, had Seren been offered assistance in dismounting. Shyly, she placed her hand in his, swinging her leg over Lexi's back to step down out of the stirrups. She mumbled her thanks, her cheeks flaming.

_Maker's balls, this is embarrassing…_

With the intent of installing Lexi in one of the stalls, Seren started in the direction the boy had disappeared with the other mounts, but Ser Ashleigh stepped in her path.

"Don't worry with that my lady. Oliver here will look after your horse." The young boy appeared with an awkward lopsided smile, his strawberry-blonde hair swept back from his face and his shirt hurriedly tucked in. When Seren didn't instantly hand over the reins, the Captain added "The mare will be in good hands, my lady. These lads know what they're doing."

"I'll look after her miss…" Ser Ashleigh gave the boy a look. "Sorry…errr… my lady." He smiled apologetically.

Seren hesitated a few moments longer, Ser Ashleigh smiling reassuringly at her.

"Alright." Reluctantly Seren handed over the reins, so used to untacking and rubbing down Lexi herself. She'd also been hoping that sorting the horses would be an excuse to delay as long as possible. It was irrational, she knew, but handing over her horse meant meeting her Grandmother.

"What's her name?" Ollie inquired with a shy smile.

"Lexi." Seren replied, a forced but gentle smile on her lips. "Thank you Oliver."

"You're welcome, my lady." The boy said before jogging off towards the stalls, Lexi obediently trotting behind. They disappeared from sight.

"Good lad that one. Only recently joined us though, so I hope you can excuse the lack of manners my lady. He's still learning." Ser Ashleigh apologised, his grey eyes studying her face.

"Oh. In truth, I hadn't really noticed." Seren said with a self-conscious smile, feeling increasingly out of her depth. "I'm still learning myself."

"Yes of course my lady. I bet it's been an experience."

Seren laughed. "You can say that again."

"If you don't mind, my lady, before we head in, I thought I'd introduce you to this merry band of clowns." Ser Ashleigh gestured at the three guards stood patiently waiting. "The tall one's Parry. He thinks he's a charmer, but I doubt even his mother could love him with looks like that."

"That's not what your wife said last night Cap." Ashleigh laughed, as Parry stepped forward with a grin and bowed. "A pleasure, my lady."

"He thinks he's funny." Ser Ashleigh muttered in a bemused tone. "The short guy's Cardon. What he lacks in height though, he makes up for with skill. Best bowman in these parts."

"Cap, I'm average height." Cardon whined. Parry held out his hand, letting it hover above Cardon's head, pretending to measure his friend's height, a faux thoughtful expression on his face.

"Hmmm…In Orzammar maybe." Parry joked with a smirk. With a face like thunder, Cardon was about to fiercely protest when his Captain cleared his throat with a subtle nod towards Seren. Colour flooded the guard's cheeks.

"Sorry m'lady." Cardon stepped forward and bowed awkwardly, his embarrassment obvious. Seren couldn't help smiling. As the guard stepped back, Parry sniggered which received a disgruntled glare from Cardon.

"And that just leaves Lovet." The nondescript man on the end took a step, his movement making no sound. Seren felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. He bowed without removing his intense gaze from Seren's face, his dark eyes shallow and empty, his expression neutral, unreadable. He didn't speak, just straightened and stepped back.

"He's not much of a talker. Good man though." Ashleigh murmured, then said in at normal volume "Well that's everyone my lady. There's around a dozen other men but you'll meet them in time. I'm sure you are eager to get inside."

_That's not how I'd put it._  Seren couldn't bring herself to say anything, so she just nodded with a forced smile.

"If you care to follow me, my lady." Ashleigh headed in the direction of the house, Seren trailing after him. Taylor and Brett followed close behind and she realised how grateful she was for their presence. Having the two recruits at her side brought reality to the surreal situation, as well as inhibiting the urge to run from the nightmare she was willing walking into. A sudden thought crossed her mind.

_Shit, that's why he sent them with me._

_Safety was just an added bonus._

She thought back to the time she'd gotten in trouble during one of the lessons at the Chantry as a child. As punishment for her insolence, Mother Leticia had instructed that Seren stay behind to pray to the Maker for forgiveness, alone in the Chantry once everyone else had left. Seren had panicked, the Chantry terrifying her during the day, never mind at night with no one else there.

When the lesson had ended, she'd glanced at Cullen who was sat across the room, her eyes begging him not to leave her. But he didn't seem to notice. He left with the rest, tears stinging in her eyes as she watched him go.

Seren was instructed not to move until Mother Leticia returned. So she sat alone in the gloom, watching the candles cast eerie shadows up the walls.

Then there'd been a noise.

" _Hello?"_ No reply came. Nervously she got to her feet, her body trembling with fear.

Another noise.

" _Who's there?"_ The words were little more than a whisper.

And Cullen had stepped out of the shadows with a shy smile. " _I didn't mean to scare you. I just didn't want Mother Leticia to see me."_  She ran and hugged him, never feeling so relieved in her life.

" _Why did you stay?" She'd mumbled against his chest._

" _I know how much you don't like this place." He'd smiled devilishly. "Plus you were giving me that look."_

" _What look?"_ She challenged, not wanting to own up to the fact she knew exactly what he meant.

" _The 'I can't do this on my own, please save me strong and handsome Cullen' look."_ She'd elbowed him.

" _You're making that up."_

_He'd chuckled. "Believe me, I'm not."_

Walking through the rain to the chateau, Seren wondered if she was that easy to read, if he'd indeed seen through her attempts to appear nonchalant about this whole excursion. She admitted that Cullen probably had, thinking back to their few conversations on the topic. She wondered what he'd be doing at that moment, whether he was alright.

_Jeez Seren, you've been gone half a day. He's fine._

_He's managed without you before._

_He probably doesn't even notice you're not there._

Seren knew that was not true, or at least she hoped it wasn't, hoped he didn't find her that expendable. Still, she missed him already, unable to help the feeling of disappointment that the recruits were with her and Cullen was not.

As they climbed the outside steps, two servants pulled open the grand wooden doors before them, revealing the gallery. The tiled floors shone in the glow of the ornate golden chandelier hanging from the ceiling, the decorative gems it was encrusted with reflecting beams of light across the room. Portraits hung on every wall, hundreds of faces that Seren assumed must be her ancestors forever captured on canvas. A pair of sweeping marble staircases occupied most of the room, leading to a balcony which overlooked the entranceway. A few items of furniture were dotted here and there, along with several handsome floral arrangements that filled the air with an array of delicate aromas. It was like something from a dream.

_Or perhaps a nightmare._

Seren heard one of the recruits gasp behind her.

_At least I'm not the only one overwhelmed by this…_

Their footsteps echoed as they followed Ser Ashleigh through a set of double doors beneath the balcony, which were once again held open for them by servants. They entered what appeared to be a ballroom, with a masterpiece painted on the ceiling and beautiful carved wooden panels on the walls. Flowing red velvet curtains hung over to the right, covering great panes of glass and a set of doors which assumedly led out into either a garden or patio. It was too dark to tell.

Ser Ashleigh told them to wait, before hurrying off through another set of doors.

Seren's heart pounded. She was hyper-sensitive to everything around her, adrenaline coursing through her, every sound, every movement, every smell. She glanced behind, noticing the trail of water they were leaving behind, like the breadcrumbs in that fairy-tale her mother had read to her once upon a time.

When the servants closed the doors behind them, leaving the three women alone, Taylor spoke in an animated whisper.

"Holy shitballs Lieut! This place is incredible." Taylor was one of the more recent volunteers, who had spent time in the Ferelden forces before the breach tore a hole in the sky. But Seren had to admit that she liked the woman already. She got on with the job with little, if any, complaint, was competent and reliable without being self-inflated or proud.

"Hmmm." Seren nervously started to pace the polished floor, her face peering back at her when she looked down.

"It is rather breath-taking. I don't think I've ever been in a house as grand as this." Brett said, her expression one of sheer awe.

Of all the recruits, Cullen had chosen well. Taylor was tough and Brett was sweet, the pair contrastingly opposite in personality, but in a reassuring way.

Eventually Ser Ashleigh returned, followed by two servants. "My lady, the Comtesse has requested that before you are introduced, you are to be shown to your quarters where you can bathe and dress for supper at your leisure. Your companions will be shown to theirs by Ina and Dawn." The servants bowed, fixed smiles on their faces. Ser Ashleigh gestured to Taylor and Brett. "If you would like to follow them?"

Seren nodded to the recruits, who quite willing followed after the two servants to disappear through the doors at the end of the ballroom. She suddenly felt very exposed and despairingly alone.

"If you'd care to follow me my lady?" He led her through the house, up stairs and down corridors. The place was a maze, seemingly never-ending with an infinite number of doors and rooms beyond. Seren was exhausted, her eyes drifting shut as she walked, so when Ser Ashleigh finally stopped, she almost walked straight into him.

"This is you my lady." He opened the door for Seren.

Her mouth dropped open, her eyes almost popping out of her head.

"Andraste's tits! You're kidding right?" She exclaimed, completely forgetting herself as she took in her surroundings.

_Maker's balls it's an entire fucking suite! You could house half of Skyhold in here…_

There was an enormous four poster bed with blue silk drapes which Seren couldn't help running her fingers across as she moved around her quarters, the delicate fabric so soft against her skin. A fire crackled in the corner, sharing its warmth as it cast a cosy glow across the space. There were two large dark wood wardrobes, a dressing table, a pale blue chaise longue at the foot of the bed and a bookshelf crammed full of books with a tactfully placed armchair nearby. A set of glass doors led out onto a balcony, velvet curtains once again hanging in front, but blue ones this time to match the rest of the room.

Ashleigh laughed, a deep hearty laugh without a hint of malice. "A nice upgrade from a life in barracks huh?"

"You're telling me…" Seren rotated on the spot, completely bewildered.

"Well I shall leave you to settle in my lady. Supper will be served whenever you are ready."

"Thank you." Seren smiled gratefully, already decided that she liked the Captain.

"You are welcome my lady." Ser Ashleigh bowed and exited, closing the door gently behind.

Exhausted and thoroughly overwhelmed, Seren collapsed on the chaise lounge, unsure whether to laugh or cry.


	29. An Unexpected Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren has an awkward encounter...

_This is actual madness._

Seren turned the key in the lock, thankful to be alone at last, her mind spinning as she slumped against the closed door. Her thoughts were a nervous jumble, her body on the brink of exhaustion.

Seren's eyes flicked slowly across the room, still unable to believe that it was hers, even if only for a few nights.

_Much better than a bedroll on the floor._ The thought ran across her mind before she could stop it.

Seren shook her head, blinking hard.

_Let's not get carried away. You're here for a reason after all, and then you're gone._

_And you aren't coming back._

Again, her thoughts drifted to Cullen but Seren dismissed them, reminding herself that her worry for him was ridiculous and unnecessary. Still, she knew seeing him at the ball, safe and well, would be her greatest comfort.

Seren untied the cloak from her shoulders, the fabric heavy with water, and hung it over the back of the dressing table chair. She caught her reflection in the mirror. Her hair hung limply, water dripping from the loose curls around her face. In places, flecks of mud splattered her cheeks and forehead, no doubt kicked up by the guards' horses during the ride from the crossroads.

_Ahhh, no wonder she sent us for a bath._

Her saddlebag had been placed on her bed, assumedly brought up by a servant while Seren was being shown around, awaiting the allusive Grandmother who was still yet to show her face. Seren pulled out the few belongings she had brought with her, a couple of spare shirts and breeches, socks and underwear, placing them in neat piles on the end of the bed. She was relieved to find that everything was still dry, the leather having kept the rain out.

Seren glanced at the wardrobes wondering if they would mind her using one. It was unlikely anyone would so she moved over to them, pulling open the heavy wooden doors. But they were full to the brim with fine dresses; gowns in every colour, in every fabric, hanging in all their glory.

_Musty dresses…_

A horrible thought crossed Seren's mind. Immediately, she rejected it and closed the doors, encasing the forgotten fabrics in their wooden tomb once more.

Other than the way she had entered and the glass doors out onto the balcony, there was only one other door. Deciding to investigate, Seren crossed the room, half expecting to find it locked. But it wasn't.

The small room beyond was humid, with a metal bath stood in the centre full of steaming hot water. It was a pleasant surprise, the warm haze instantly bringing relief to her aching bones. She closed the door again, silently thanking whoever had made up her bath.

Seren placed her weapons on the bed, before removing her armour and boots. With no stand to hold it and the metalwork still damp from the ride, Seren lay her armour out on the floor by the fireplace.

_I suppose not many guests dress in full armour when they come to stay…_

She rolled her eyes, smiling to herself as she slipped out of her clothes, the sodden fabric falling into a lump on the rug. Returning to the dressing room, the last thing Seren had been expecting was to find was a maid topping up the bath with hot water from a copper kettle.

"Shit!" Her limbs automatically reached to cover herself while the young woman visibly jumped, the kettle with her, hot water spilling over the tiled floor.

"I'm so sorry my lady!" The startled maid exclaimed. "I'll have this cleared up in a minute I promise. I'm so sorry…" She dropped to her knees and started to dry the floor, mopping up the water with the fabric of her dress.

"No, no it's fine! I just hadn't been expecting anyone to be in here." The flustered maid kept mumbling her apologies, deaf to Seren's attempts to console her.

In the corner of her eye, Seren noticed a couple of towels lain out on a sideboard. Without thinking she wrapped herself in the first, then grabbed the spare to assist the maid. "Here let me help."

"Oh no, my lady. It is my fault. You shouldn't…"

"Well I'm going to anyway." Seren interrupted as she knelt down and dropped the extra towel over the pool of water, smiling kindly. "I'm stubborn like that." The maid nervously smiled back. "What's your name?"

"Lilly my lady. I'm your lady's maid…" The sentence trailed off with Lilly unable to make eye contact.

"I guessed. It's nice to meet you Lilly. I'm Seren."

"Yes my lady. A pleasure to meet you too." Lilly's voice was barely audible, her hands still shaking.

"I'm sorry if I frightened you Lilly. I'm still new to this, all of this." Seren made a rounded gesture with her hands. Then she smirked. "Plus I haven't had someone fill a bath for me since I was a child."

"Of course my lady. Would you prefer if I stepped outside?"

"If that's alright." Seren replied gratefully as she got to her feet, dusting herself off. "I promise not to drown while you're gone."

Lilly giggled nervously as she stood, before saying "There's soap and rose petals for you to use. If you need any more hot water just let me know my lady."

"Thank you." Seren smiled

"I will help you dress once you are ready my lady." The maid curtsied and turned to leave. The Lieutenant frowned.

_It can't hurt to ask right?_

Seren sighed. "Lilly?" The maid hesitated. "Please could you call me Seren?"

Lilly's expression became uneasy, clearly uncomfortable with the suggestion. "It's not really standard practise…"

Seren nodded, racking her brain for something more acceptable. 'My lady' was already getting to her. "Then Lieutenant? Please? Anything is better than 'my lady'."

"If you'd prefer it my… Lieutenant." Lilly tested it nervously, as if unsure she was saying it right.

"I would. Thank you Lilly."

"Of course… Lieutenant." Lilly curtsied once more then left.

Finally alone, Seren threw a handful of rose petals into the water, let her towel drop to the floor and stepped into the bath, relaxing completely for the first time that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a short one. But there are plenty more on the way!  
> I'm hoping to post another couple of chapters before the end of the week :)


	30. The Game's Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they sit down to dinner...

Lilly was patiently waiting for Seren when she emerged from the dressing room, instantly holding up a silken dressing gown for Seren to slip into. The maid gestured for her to take a seat at the dressing table, her cloak having vanished from the back of the chair, along with the puddle of clothes off the floor. The Lieutenant obliged with a shy smile.

"The Comtesse has chosen a dress for you to wear to supper Lieutenant." Lilly said quietly as she began to brush the curls out of Seren's damp hair.

Seren looked up in horror, hoping that it was a joke. Noticing the dress laid out on the bed and the maid's serious expression, it clearly wasn't.

_Ahh crap._

"Great…" She muttered sarcastically, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. Her stomach grumbled in protest, reminding her that neither she nor the recruits had eaten anything since breakfast. Seren couldn't help feeling betrayed.

For a few moments, she watched as Lilly combed her hair, feeling immensely awkward and unsure of what, if anything, to say. Eventually, Seren settled on asking something that had been bugging her for weeks. "What's the Comtesse like?"

"Kind and incredibly elegant. She's also exceptionally generous. This is the best situation I have had in a long time." Lilly replied without hesitation.

"Excellent model answer." Seren smiled but if there was one thing she was good at, it was sniffing out bullshit. "Now for your genuine thoughts…"

"They were…" Lilly stopped when she caught Seren's gaze in the mirror. Realising she was caught, Lilly lowered her voice, speaking in hushed tones as if they would be overheard. "I haven't been here for long Lieutenant. The Comtesse is often busy and so we see little of her. She seems gentle enough, if…a little quick tempered."

"I see." Seren nodded. For a while, neither spoke. "How long have you been working here then?"

"A few months now. I needed a fresh start and the Comtesse was kind enough to help my daughter and me." Lilly placed the comb back on the dresser and began to plait Seren's hair.

"You have a daughter?"

"Yes, her name is Grace." Lilly smiled, her whole face lighting up at the mention of her daughter.

"Such a lovely name." Seren smiled. "How old is she?"

"She's going to be seven in a couple of months."

"Is it just the two of you?"

"Her father died when she was just a babe. It's just been us since then." Lilly forced a smile. "But we manage. And she is such a good child, so caring. Are you married Lieutenant?"

"No, I'm not." Seren looked down at her lap, fiddling with the skin around her nails.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."

"You didn't, don't worry." Seren glanced up and forced a smile.

The maid finished her hair, and quickly gathered the dress from the bed.

_There's no fucking way I'm wearing that._

The fabric was a pale yellow, with a rather excessive amount of frill trimmings and an intensive looking corset.

"I'm not wearing that." Seren said firmly.

"The Comtesse insists…"

"If you knew me Lilly, you'd know that when it comes to orders, I'm very good at disobeying the crap ones." The maid winced. "And that one's crap. She can deal with me as I am or not at all." Quickly, Seren dressed in the clothes she had laid out for herself earlier, turning a deaf ear to Lilly's futile attempts to coax her into the frills. She shoved her boots on, tying the laces with well-practised efficiency before striding out of the door into the hallway.

Seren retraced her footsteps, hoping that she had remembered the twists and turns correctly, with a distressed Lilly at her heels.

"The Comtesse will not be pleased." The maid whined, pleading with the stubborn Lieutenant to turn around but Seren was having none of it.

"Excellent. I like seeing people's true colours." She stopped, glancing along a hallway, nervously biting her lip.

_Was it right or left here?_

"You go right…" Lilly mumbled, accepting defeat.

"Thank you." And Seren was off again, disappearing down the corridor at speed. When she reached the stairs, she jogged down them to join Taylor and Brett who were waiting at the bottom.

"Lieutenant." The recruits nodded to her.

"We've been told to wait here while you meet the Comtesse." Taylor said.

"Better not keep her waiting then." Taking a deep breath, Seren pushed open the doors and entered the dining room. At the far end of an elaborate table, sat the Comtesse in all her finery, lavish diamonds dangling from her ears and around her neck. She glanced up when Seren entered, the old woman's lips twitching into a smile.

"Quite an entrance my dear. Melodrama is a key ingredient of the Game as you shall see. I am pleased you already possess a basic conceptual understanding of the notion." She stood, a footman pulling out her chair as she did so. "Come here. I wish to see you."

_Here we go._

Seren obediently did as she was told, the Comtesse then circling as she scrutinised her granddaughter's every feature. When satisfied she stopped, intently gazing up at Seren's face. "You look very much like your mother. It is uncanny actually. Well, except for that nose. And your eyes are a little scrunched. But that is poor breeding, my dear. Inheritance of…  _peasant_  features." Seren's expression twisted with disgust, which her Grandmother misinterpreted. "Oh don't worry my dear, within a few generations they can be bred out again. Mistakes can be  _erased_."

"Of what mistakes are you referring my ladyship?" Seren spoke through gritted teeth, still forcing a smile.

"My dear, 'my ladyship' is far too formal. Your lady Grandmother will suffice. And your mother's marriage of course! She was a dreadfully headstrong girl. And your father!" The Comtesse tutted. "He should have left her be."

"He loved her." Seren's words cut through the air, her tone icy at best.

_This was a very bad idea._

_Just keep it together, she's trying to rattle you._

"If that is true, then he should have let her marry well, not stolen her away! I mean, what did  _he_  have to offer a  _Comtesse's_  daughter? A life of poverty? How  _quaint_." She exaggerated the last word with a condescending disdain.

"They were happy together." The Lieutenant could feel her whole body tensing, her rage growing with every vile slight the other woman delivered against her family.

"Of course my dear." Her Grandmother cajoled in sickly sweet tone, her smile its only equivalent. "I'm sure they appeared that way. But you must remember, you were only a child…"

"You have no idea what you are talking about." She replied firmly, trying to maintain control of her anger.

"Oh but my dear, I do." The Comtesse's wise eyes sparkled in the firefight, her expression one of conceited superiority. She was enjoying Seren's torment. "Why, if their life together was as perfect as you say, would your mother write to me to ensure you were returned to the life which was stolen from her?"

"She wrote to you?" Seren silently cursed the obvious surprise in her tone.

"Oh yes. When she was dying I believe. I have been trying to make contact with you ever since, but my letters  _must_  have gotten lost." The old woman gave her a knowing look. "I owe my thanks to the Inquisition for finally connecting us."

_I definitely need a raise._ She took a deep breath, relaxing her shoulders, forcing yet another smile.

"You must excuse me, my lady Grandmother. It has been an awfully long day. My companions and I are frightfully tired and would much appreciate some supper before resting."

"Of course my dear! We can always continue this conversation in the morning." If smirking were ladylike, Seren's Grandmother would have being doing just that. Seren, on the other hand, only just managed not to roll her eyes behind the old woman's back.

The Comtesse returned to her seat, while Taylor and Brett were ushered into the room by servants. They were each in turn shown to their seats where the two recruits shared awkward glances across the table.

_Yeah, you think you've got problems._

Bowls of what looked like pea soup were placed in front of each person. Nervously Brett peeped at Seren who, noticing this, exaggeratedly picked up the soup spoon from the assortment of cutlery that lay before them. The recruit nodded her thanks, her features relaxing in relief.

_Cold… How marvellous._

As the three soldiers began to eat, the Comtesse glanced around the table every few seconds, her appalled expression deepening each time. During the second course, she eventually put down her utensils and spoke.

"There really is no need to inhale your food my dears. We have all night."

The recruits stopped eating, their cheeks glowing red. However, Seren just smirked.

_My turn…_

"I am not sure I follow, lady Grandmother." Leisurely and extremely deliberately, Seren picked up the chicken leg from her plate and bit into it, holding her Grandmother's gaze the entire time. The old woman straightened, her nostrils flaring with disgust. To finish her performance, Seren dropped the bone to her plate and dragged the back of her free hand across her mouth. "That was delicious."

The Comtesse's eyes narrowed but she didn't respond.

_One all I think._  Seren thought smugly.

After her display, the four women finished their meals in stony silence, before each excusing themselves as they headed to bed.

"Serenity?" The Lieutenant paused in the doorway.

"Yes lady Grandmother?" The Comtesse drew level with Seren, her face unreadable.

"I'm sure your mother would have been awfully proud of you, acting as you do." She didn't wait for a reply, but Seren saw the corners of her mouth upturn.

She watched her Grandmother ascend the stairs, beginning to appreciate that there was more to the old woman than she had anticipated.

_2:1 it is then._

_Game on._


	31. Grace and Poise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring the garden...

With the intention of investigating the grounds, Seren woke early the following morning. By the time Lilly came in to wake her, the Lieutenant was already up and dressed. As the maid entered, Seren looked up from tying her bootlaces.

"Morning." She said brightly, ignoring Lilly's startled expression.

"Good morning Lieutenant." Lilly recovered from her surprise. "I hadn't realised you wanted to be up so early. I would have come to wake you…"

"It's fine, don't worry. I'm used to waking up at dawn without help. Benefits of being a soldier! Is that tea?" Seren nodded at the tray in Lilly's hands as she straightened in the chair she was sat on.

"It is Lieutenant."

"Wonderful." Lilly placed the tray gently on the dressing table, before picking up the teapot and pouring a cup. She handed it to Seren, who thanked her and took a sip.

The maid busied herself making the bed, while Seren walked over to the patio doors, opening them out onto the balcony. It was a beautiful day, which came as a surprise after the dreadful weather of the day before. The sky was crystal clear, only a few clouds floating across every now and again, the sun shining in all its glory.

Seren leant on the railings overlooking the estate's garden, her arms crossed in front of her as she took in her surroundings. It was breath-taking, all of the flowers in bloom, petals of every colour imaginable.

_Like Father's…_

A gentle breeze whipped at her hair as a dove landed on the railing to her right, cooing at her softly. Seren took another sip of tea, her movement disturbing the bird who, in a fluttering of wings, was in the sky again within seconds. She watched it soar across the garden, before a couple of swallows stole her attention. The only noise were the gentle birdsong and the rustle of the wind through the trees.

_I could get used to this._

"Lieutenant?" Lilly appeared in the doorway. Seren turned to her. "Would you like me to fetch you some breakfast?"

_I could definitely get used to this._

"That would be lovely Lilly. Thank you." Seren smiled, thankful that she wouldn't have to face her Grandmother for a little while longer. She wondered how long she would be able to avoid her for, whether she could make it to the ball without another encounter; highly unlikely she knew but it didn't stop her hoping.

A few minutes later, Lilly returned with another tray carrying a rack of toast, an assortment of conserves and a glass of what appeared to be freshly pressed apple juice. Seren gratefully accepted it, choosing to sit out on the balcony to enjoy her breakfast in the warmth of the morning sun.

* * *

With her plate cleared and glass drained, Seren left her room and headed in what she hoped was the direction of the garden. With a couple of helpful hints from passing servants, she eventually found herself outside on the terrace.

Her mother had always spoken of the magnificent walled garden on the estate where she had grown up, of course forgetting to mention the part about owning said estate, but Seren could never have imagined the paradise that lay before her.

She wandered for what seemed like hours, spotting all her favourite flowers, unable to help noticing the similarity in species to those in her father's garden. Several times a familiar flower or scent freed a forgotten memory; her parents dancing in the spring blossom, her father teaching her how to prune correctly, the flowers given as a name-day present each year.

_Andraste's Grace…_

It was her mother's favourite flower and naturally, it had become Seren's. But the lack of it within this garden was disturbing. Seren searched everywhere, travelling every path twice if not three times, only to be disappointed by its absence. Accepting defeat, she headed back towards the house.

"You won't find what you're looking for here."

Seren jumped, her hand instinctively searching for the hilt of her sword, remembering too late that it was not by her hips but casually leaning against the fireplace in her room.

Thankfully, it was only the estate's guard Captain. "Ser Ashleigh! You scared me."

"Apologies, my lady." He bowed, with an amused smile and a raised eyebrow. "I'll remember to announce myself next time you're armed. I have no wish to be skewered before my time."

Embarrassed, but aware that the Captain was only teasing, Seren smiled "Sorry, force of habit."

"No need to apologise my lady. I know that reaction well enough." They began to stroll along the garden paths.

"How did you know I was looking for something?"

"Well…" Ser Ashleigh smiled. "You've inspected every flowerbed with a fine tooth comb, circling the petunias at least a dozen times might I add. And yet, you were returning to the house with rather downcast, which suggests that what you were looking for is missing. Which it is."

"It is?"

"The Comtesse had all the Andraste's Grace removed after your mother… Well after she left. Too painful a reminder, she said."

"Oh." Seren thought about it. "I hadn't realise you were at the estate back then. You can't be much older than my parents."

"Younger actually."

"Oh…"  _Smooth Seren._

"I'm sorry…" She started but Ashleigh just laughed.

"Ahh it's alright my lady. I've heard worse. From Parry. On a regular basis." He smiled warmly before continuing. "I've lived here all my life. My father was Captain of Bellamy before me, you see. I remember the day your parents finally ran like it was yesterday. And good on 'em." He lowered his voice. "They deserved to be happy, not have the Comtesse constantly breathing down their neck." He returned to normal volume. "Anyway, I'd suggest that before heading back inside, you have a look over there." He pointed to the far corner of the garden, where thick ivy covered most of the wall. "There might be something of interest to you. Good day, my lady."

Seren watched Ser Ashleigh cross the patio, Parry appearing to speak with him just as he reached the house. Noticing Seren across the garden, Parry bowed which she returned with a smile and slight nod.

Taking Ser Ashleigh's advice, she crossed the garden to where he had indicated. But there was nothing there, just a curtain of ivy covering ancient brick.

Confused, Seren turned with the hope of asking the Captain what he had meant, but both he and Parry had vanished. She stared at the ivy, wondering what he could have meant and why he would have sent her to look when there was nothing there.

_He wouldn't…_

_Something behind maybe…_

Seren placed both hands flat against the ivy, feeling the solid wall beneath, and slowly edged along the wall towards the corner. Then the bricks disappeared, the ivy hanging over nothing but thin air.

Finding the edge of the ivy, Seren pulled it to one side just like you would a curtain.

_A secret door?_

The dark wood was old, a rusted bolt securing the door in place. She glanced behind, cautiously checking that no one was watching as she pulled the bolt back, the metal screeching with age. But the door wouldn't budge. Seren leant all her weight against it, fighting with the ancient hinges that had clearly not been oiled in a long time. They groaned in protest, before releasing suddenly, almost sending Seren flying.

The other side was heavily overgrown, but there was a path still just visible through the dense undergrowth. Ancient stone walls ran parallel, creating a corridor of vegetation. Seren dusted off her hands and then warily traversed the obstacle of the once path, a strange feeling in her gut. It was almost like she'd been there before.

The path came to an end at what would once have been a clearing; a true secret garden. In the centre, stood a fountain, which had long since stopped worked, the water standing stagnant. A cherry blossom tree grew in the corner, beneath which there was a bench with peeling white paint. And there, in a forgotten flower bed, overgrown with weeds, grew Andraste's Grace.

And behind, written across the bricks in faded white paint:

'There's beauty in imperfection.

CB + JP'

Seren ran her fingers over the words, the tips hovering on the letters that spelt her parent's initials.

_This is theirs._

Rotating on the spot, she tried to imagine what it would have looked like back then, the grass cleanly cut, the flowerbeds tended and neat, the bench in the corner touched up with a fresh coat of paint.

Seren imagined them there, hiding from those who wanted nothing more than to tear them apart, trying to make every moment count in a world that refused to allow their love; her mother sat on the fountain, trailing her fingers across the surface of the water, spreading ripples as her father read to her like Seren remembered. She could see her mother dancing, as the butterflies fluttered in the sunlight, her parents laughing at a shared joke, or just because they could without being judged.

A blink and the moment was lost; the weeds and cracked paint returned, the fountain once more worse for wear and the butterflies flew back into imagination.

She missed her mother but in that secret garden, Seren could almost feel her, like this was where she'd been since her death. As this was where her mother would wait until the day she and Seren's father were reunited. For Seren, the thought was a comfort.

Despite what the Comtesse said, her father had given more than any other man could have. Her parents had loved one another entirely. And the old bag could not, would not, take that from them. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

Using the dagger from her boot Seren removed one of the flowers before leaving her parent's secret, allowing the garden to sink back into forgotten memory.

* * *

Back inside, Seren navigated the halls with a smile, glad that at least one good thing had come out of the trip, finally able to believe she could do what was expected.

For the first time, she found her room with ease but when she entered, there was a little girl sat at the dressing table. Seren paused, momentarily doubting she was actually in the right place, but her equipment was still laid out on the floor, confirming that she was indeed in the right room.

"Hello?" Seren said tentatively.

The girl glanced up, smiling as she caught the Lieutenant's eye in the mirror. "Hello." The girl said sweetly.

_Well, this is new._

"Not to sound rude, but are you meant to be in here?"

The girl twisted around on the chair to face Seren properly, still smiling as she said, "Mammie told me to wait for her here. And to not touch anything. She said that twice."

The penny dropped.

"Are you Grace?" Seren asked, although she was already noting the similarities between Lilly and the child.

Grace nodded before asking curiously, "Are you the Comtesse's granddaughter?"

"I am." Seren took a seat on the end of the bed as Grace got to her feet.

"My lady." Grace curtsied, pulling both sides of her dress outwards, a couple of tight brown curls falling across her face. "Mammie said you are a soldier, but you're too pretty."

Seren laughed, unsure how to respond to such a comment but Grace left no time to reply.

"Lady soldiers are scary." The little girl tilted her head, her forehead creasing slightly. "You don't seem very scary."

"I'm glad."

"Are you married?"

"Me? No."

"Oh." Grace's face scrunched up in confusion, as the little girl thought it through. "But Mammie says the beautiful ladies always get married first."

At that moment, Lilly appeared at the door with a pile of folded washing. Alarmed to find that Seren had returned, the maid instantly started offering apologies.

"I'm so sorry Lieutenant! I didn't think you'd be back until this afternoon."

"Oh no, don't be silly. It's fine. Grace has been keeping me company." Seren smiled at the child, who beamed back at her.

"I have Mammie. And I didn't touch anything, I promise."

"Well that's good. But you had better go back to our room now my love."

"But Mammie I want to talk to my lady!" Grace glanced at Seren for support, while Lilly gave her a rather more nervous look.

"I don't mind if she stays."

"See Mammie!" Grace said, clearly pleased with herself. Without waiting for a reply, she then turned her focus back to Seren. "Have you ever been in love?"

"Grace!" Lilly exclaimed. "You shouldn't ask the Lieutenant such personal questions!"

"But why not? She doesn't mind. Right?" Grace's innocent face stared up at Seren's, a subtle hint of concern shadowed in her features.

"No, not at all Grace."

"See!" The girl turned to her mother, who admittedly was surprised by the Lieutenant's response.

"Oh… well… where are your manners at least?" Lilly asked as she began to put away the laundry.

Grace huffed, before grumbling "Have you ever been in love,  _my lady_?" The corners of Seren's lips curved upwards regardless of her best efforts to find the situation anything other than amusing.

"I have."

"Then why didn't you marry him?" Grace received a look from her mother, before adding, " _My lady_."

"It's complicated."

"Did he not love you back my lady?"

"I don't know." Seren said honestly, her mind wandering to the man who held her heart back at Skyhold.

Grace went quiet, her face falling as she stared down at the floor. In a barely audible whisper, she mumbled, "Did he die?"

"No. He's still alive." Seren said softly, offering the girl a smile when Grace looked up. She brightened almost automatically, reminding Seren how fickle a child's mood could be.

"Then why don't you tell him? Is  _he_  married?"

"No he isn't either."

"Then you have to tell him!"

"Grace, that's enough. Leave the Lieutenant be." Lilly said firmly before addressing Seren. "I'm so sorry about this."

"I honestly don't mind Lilly…" Seren began before Grace interrupted, her attention already elsewhere.

"What's that?" Grace pointed at the flower that Seren still held.

"This?" The child nodded. "It's called Andraste's Grace."

"That's like my name!" Grace beamed. "Can I see?"

"Of course." Seren handed the flower to her, the child taking it as if it were the most delicate object in all the world, Grace's expression one of awe.

"Grace be careful with it." Her mother begged but Grace took no notice, her focus completely spent on the flower in her palm.

"It's so pretty." Grace said in wonder.

"I'm glad you think so. It was my mother's favourite flower." Grace carefully handed it back, thanking Seren for letting her look at it.

"You're most welcome."

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in."

Lovet opened it, but stood in the hallway, almost as if he couldn't cross the threshold. Again, his presence sent shivers down Seren's spine. And from the looks of things, she wasn't the only one he had that effect on. Lilly visibly tensed at the sight of him, the colour draining from her face as Lovet's empty eyes ran over her.

_Strange…_

"Do you want something?" Seren asked after several seconds of silence. His sunken eyes flickered to the Lieutenant's face, a small dark smile growing on his thin lips, revealing the yellowed teeth concealed behind.

"The Comtesse wishes for your presence, my lady." What Seren had not expected was an Antivan accent to come crawling out of his mouth.

"Thank you." But Lovet did not move, his eyes once again lazily studying Lilly's form. Seren cleared her throat. "You're dismissed."

He glanced at the Lieutenant, his expression blank and eyes darker than the void itself, and for a short second Seren thought he was going to refuse. Then in a steady tone "As you wish my lady." His gaze lingered on Seren until the door closed.


	32. Concealed Protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some things are hidden, while others are revealed...

The next twenty-four hours blurred by, a rush of final lessons, last minute dress fittings and uncomfortable meal times, but it passed and before Seren knew it, they were prepping her for the ball. Six hours early. The Lieutenant was not impressed.

Suitably scrubbed down and smelling of roses, her legs and underarms shaved and eyebrows plucked, she was dressed in a chemise and led to stand on a small block recently placed on the floor in the centre of her room. The Comtesse's own maid and seamstress, Helena, had been sent to assist Lilly with the task of adorning the increasingly reluctant Lieutenant.

Seren was fully aware the older woman had purely been sent to make sure she did as instructed, after her refusal to wear that yellow monstrosity on the first night. Helena was terrifying; she barely spoke but the few words that slipped from her mouth cut like knives, her conviction indisputable.

"Quick question: Is it meant to stop you breathing?" The corset Helena was lacing around her ribs was quickly becoming far tighter than Seren had imagined humanly possible.

"Yes." The maid said curtly, without embellishment or explanation.

"Ah. Then it's working perfectly." Helena didn't respond, but the sarcastic comment received a shy smile from Lilly.

With each pull of the corset laces Seren gasped as the air was forced from her lungs, the boning digging deeper into her torso, unable to help but sway a little on the block she stood upon. Even Leliana had not managed to inflict such a level of torture in their trial dressings back at Skyhold.

However, despite her best efforts Seren had to admit the gown, once fitted over her undergarments, was magnificent. With a bateau neckline, the pale blue silken ball gown was decorated with a fine gold lace to emphasise the bodice, which had been embroidered with gold thread and tiny gems, fashioning delicate swirls and miniature butterflies. But it was also unbelievably heavy, much to Seren's displeasure. Predictably, the shoes she was to wear were as equally outrageous as they appeared uncomfortable.

Make up was then applied to Seren's face, a rosy hue placed on her lips and cheeks, before her hair was styled into a cascade of gentle curls using hot irons. A couple of braids, plaited with jewels, were fixed at the back of her head.

The final additions were the jewellery the Comtesse had selected for her and her mask. An elegant length of diamonds was fastened around her neck and diamonds drops placed in her ears, before the mask was secured.

The mask itself was made of a thin metal plated in gold and distinctively resembled a butterfly, covering only the top half of Seren's face. It had been designed especially for her, although it shared a similarity to her Grandmother's as expected by Orlesian tradition; so no hiding from that drunk of an aunt or scoundrel of a cousin. Seren was just pleased that it wasn't too flamboyant.

Helena stood back, and nodded once. "Done." She curtsied and left without another word, Seren's thanks seemingly unheard as Helena exited.

"Would you like to see yourself, my lady?" Lilly asked before adding, "I have set a couple of mirrors up in the dressing room for your use."

Nervously Seren nodded, not sure what to expect. She trailed after Lilly, who held the door ajar for Seren to slip through. And staring back from the full length mirrors Lilly had so carefully placed, was a total stranger.

Except for the auburn hair and the familiar green eyes behind the mask, Seren barely recognised herself. It was a strange feeling, not knowing her own reflection. Seren found herself moving just to check, to see if the reflection would fail to match her movement, therefore confirming the niggling thought that it wasn't actually her in the mirror. But it was. It really was her, dressed as nobility and ready for a ball she really had no right to be invited to. She was a soldier, Second to the Commander of the Inquisition.

But, then again, she was also a Comtesse's granddaughter, soul heir to the title and fortune of the Bellamy family…

_Hey, steady on. Let's not get carried away._

_One nice dress and you're in?_

_Keep it together woman._

Seren blinked hard, shaking the thoughts from her mind.

"Is the dress not to your satisfaction my lady?" Lilly asked nervously, Seren's action clearly misread.

"Oh no! It's perfect! I just… I can't believe that's me under there."

"You look very beautiful my lady. You shall be the belle of the ball I am sure."

"Wonderful. Extra attention for when I stand on the hem of my dress and fall flat on my face." Her smile disappeared, the weight of what was expected sitting uncomfortably on her shoulders.

"There's no need to worry about that my lady. We shortened the hem…"

"It was a joke Lilly. Although I'm pretty sure I'll find some way to embarrass myself before the end of the night, regardless of a shortened hem."

"You'll be fine, my lady. I have faith"

"Well at least one of us does."

A knock.

"Come in."

Ser Ashleigh entered but stopped dead in his tracks, shock spreading across his face. "Maker's balls!" He recovered although a keen blush exposed his embarrassment. "Sorry, my lady. That was unforgivable of me."

"I've heard worse Captain." Seren smiled.

"You just… well you surprised me." He bowed. "You look remarkable, my lady."

Seren blushed.

_Yeah, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to deal with this all night._

"Are the carriages ready?" Trying to change the subject.

"They are, my lady. If you'd like to follow me?"

"Would you mind just waiting outside for a few more minutes? I have a couple of last minute things to attend to."

"Of course, my lady." Ser Ashleigh bowed before leaving.

"Is everything alright, my lady?" Lilly's tone was full of concern, after believing that Seren was ready to leave.

Seren re-entered her bedroom, picked up her satchel and emptied the remaining contents out onto the bed. "Everything's fine. Could you just grab my dagger?" Lilly's face registered her surprise but she obediently did as she was told and fetched the Lieutenant's dagger without question, as Seren herself hoisted up the skirt of her dress to buckle the sheath from her pack to her thigh. Lilly handed her the knife, which was then secured in place within seconds, the skirt dropping over the top as if nothing had ever happened.

Noticing Lilly's unsettled expression, Seren said with a reassuring smile, "Just in case. Better to be safe than sorry."

Ser Ashleigh was waiting as he'd promised, so the two of them slowly made their way through the house towards the carriages, sharing small talk until Seren's curiosity got the better of her.

"What's Lovet's story?"

Ser Ashleigh glanced at her in the corner of his eye, his jaw tensing slightly. "Why do you ask?"

_Ah so there is one._

"No reason. Just out of interest." The Captain watched her as Seren tried to keep her expression neutral.

Ashleigh sighed. "It's a long story my lady."

"Well could you give me a brief overview? We've still got a couple more minutes." Seren persisted, wanting to get to the bottom of the morbid guard.

Ser Ashleigh glanced around, slowing their pace, as he lowered his voice. "He's, or at least he was, an Antivan Crow."

"An  _assassin_?" Seren hissed a little louder than she'd meant to.

"Yes but that's not common knowledge. The Comtesse hired him about five years ago, paid an extended contract on him or some such like. She kept it on the down low, mind."

"What does  _she_  need with a  _Crow_?"

"As far as I'm aware, protection."

"Is she really that paranoid about people trying to kill her?" Seren asked incredulously.

"I doubt there is anyone in Orlais who isn't." Ser Ashleigh said gravely. "And you must remember, for years it was thought she had no heir. Her title and wealth were up for grabs, ready for any  _ambitious_  soul who wished to advance in the Game. Anything goes after all."

"That's mental. This whole system is mental."

"But that's tradition for you." Ser Ashleigh shrugged. "Every man for himself."


	33. Playing the Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren attends a ball...

"Presenting her Ladyship, the Comtesse Elisabeth de Bellamy, accompanied by her granddaughter and soul heir, Lady Serenity Alice Bellamy of Ferelden, daughter of the late Cecilia Adelaide Bellamy, who is recently returned from her extended educational tour of Thedas."

_Excellent. That got everyone's attention._

Her heart pounding and brow damp beneath the mask, Seren could feel the room's eyes on her, a giant spotlight cast ready to expose the imposter.

_Deep breaths. It'll be alright._

The Winter Palace was beyond imagination, everything gold and glittering, equally as imposing as impressive. Lords and ladies alike, all in elaborate dress and masked, had turned to gawk at the Comtesse and her allusive granddaughter as they walked through the vestibule; the only result being a thoroughly embarrassed Seren, who was now more on edge than ever.

_And I can't even hack at them with a sword._

Seren banished the morbid thought, already feeling the corners of her mouth curling in response, as she took her first step towards the Empress. In her head, she ran through everything Leliana had badgered during their lessons.

_Head up, back straight, heel to toe, don't rush, small steps, small steps, small steps…_

Unbelievably, Seren was doing it, she was actually walking in a ridiculously oversized dress with a pair of shoes on her feet and so far, without tripping. It required all her concentration but she was doing it, ignoring everything and everyone around her; her one task was to reach the Empress and she was already half way there.

Then a familiar mass of golden curls in the corner of her eye. Seren's breath caught.

_Cullen…_

And Maker, he looked handsome but more importantly well, her redundant fears banished instantly. She grinned at him, Cullen's expression displaying her own shock when she'd first seen her reflection. A blush spread across his cheeks.

_That's Cullen alright._

Noticing Seren's mind was elsewhere, the Comtesse's gaze followed her line of sight. Unimpressed, Elisabeth cleared her throat just loud enough to regain her granddaughter's attention. Seren turned back to the task at hand, burying the burning desire to turn on her heels to talk to Cullen.

_There will be time. Just later,_ she reminded herself.

The Empress was as magnificent was as a person could ever be, strikingly beautiful and exquisitely dressed. She greeted the pair warmly as they curtsied before her, bestowing her wish for them to enjoy the ball in a gentle, yet assured tone. Seren just hoped they could now save her.

"Thank you, your Majesty." The Comtesse replied, once more curtsying before making a small gesture for Seren to follow her lead. Seren mimicked her grandmother's movements and then followed her up the steps to make way for the introduction of more recently arrived guests.

By the time Seren reached the top step, the Comtesse was already in conversation. Taking advantage of her distraction, Seren looked back to where Cullen had been standing, pleased to discover he was still by the railing overlooking the ballroom's dancefloor. She smiled when their eyes met, relieved that he seemed as eager to see her as she were him.

Cullen began to make his way to her, and her heart began pounding harder than ever. She searched for something witty or funny to say, for anything that would make him smile.

_Nice get up Commander._

_I'm not sure which one of us got off worse._

_I missed you…_

The Comtesse interrupted her thoughts as she touched the small of Seren's back, stealing her full attention away from Cullen once more. "Serenity, my dear, I would like to introduce the Comtesse Jeannevere, an old friend of mine. Comtesse, this is my granddaughter, Serenity."

"A pleasure" The Comtesse nodded, as Seren curtsied. She glanced apologetically back at Cullen, which thankfully went unnoticed by the other women. "How do you find the Winter Palace? Quite the marvel is it not?"

"Breath-taking, your Ladyship. I doubt I have ever seen its equal." Seren answered, surreptitiously trying to locate Cullen again through the crowd of people that now separated them.

"Ah you are a delight, my dear! But you must have seen some truly wonderful sights on your tour?"

"Oh yes, I did. But, as charming as an ancient ruin may be, there is something genuinely…  _magical_  about a gathering such as this. I believe it is people who bring animation, a sense of life, to a building. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Indeed, my dear. Well put." Both Comtesses smiled, before they slipped back into a conversation which Seren quite happily tuned out of. Eventually, Comtesse Jeannevere made her excuses and disappeared, but Seren barely noticed. Busily searching for Cullen in the crowd, desperate not to appear too obvious about it, Seren didn't hear Dorian approach until he whispered in her ear.

"I'd smile, or your face might get stuck." She fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"Ladies! Lord Dorian Pavus at your service." Announcing himself for the Comtesse's benefit, Dorian bowed theatrically, the usual smirk plastered on his face.

"A pleasure." Seren replied sarcastically.

"Lord?" Her Grandmother curiously eyed up the mage.

"Yes, your Ladyship. At least, I am as of the last time I checked. But enough of me. I saw the two of you and I thought, I must introduce myself to that beautiful young woman. And her granddaughter, of course." He winked at Elisabeth, as Seren raised an eyebrow sceptically.

_Oh for the love of the Maker, you've got to be kidding me. She's not going to fall for that Dorian._

Seren glanced at her grandmother, silently pleased that Dorian was about to get a mouthful from the old bat, only to watch as a smile spread across the Comtesse's face. Elisabeth was lapping it up, even giggling slightly to herself.

_That's it._

_I've completely lost my mind._

Dorian raised an eyebrow, still smirking at Seren.

"May I have this dance, your Ladyship?"

"Oh no, I do not dance anymore my dear boy! But Serenity would be pleased to accept on my behalf."

"Of course. May I?" Dorian offered Seren his arm.

"Sure." She said flatly.

Once they were out of earshot, Seren hissed "You did not just  _flirt_ with my grandmother."

"If it would make you feel more comfortable…" The grin on his face growing larger.

"Please, just stop."

_I think I'm getting a headache…_

"Now I'm warning you; Step on my toe and you're in trouble, Lieutenant."

"You're not funny Dorian."

They reached the dancefloor, the couples lining up in neat parallel lines facing their partners, waiting for the music to begin. Dorian studied her.

"You've really become the most beautiful swan." The music started and the lines each took a step towards the other.

"Are you trying to tell me I was an ugly duckling before?" Each dancer raised their right hand, to brush elbows with their partner, beginning a slow clockwise rotation in time with the music.

"You must learn to take a compliment, Lieutenant."

"I'm good on the back-handed compliment front thanks." They switched hands, beginning to rotate anti-clockwise.

"Stanton huh? I never would have guessed." Dorian grinned devilishly.

"Come on, it's not that bad."

"Well no. But I can understand why he kept quiet about that one." Seren laughed. Every couple stopped circling, dropping their hands to their sides, before stepping back into parallel lines. The end couple then paraded down the centre, the remaining couples clapping as they skipped along to join the end of the line, before the whole thing started again.

"Out of interest, I thought your last name was Pasquet?"

"It is. The Comtesse thought it best not to soil our good house with a peasant's surname. Plus people would ask questions."

"Sensible, if a little callous."

"Do you know, you just described my grandmother perfectly in only five words?"

"Remarkable!" A quick change of direction, not only in the dance. "Have you spoken to Cullen yet?"

"I've seen him."

"Then I'll make the pleasure mine to introduce you. He's already got followers." Another couple danced up the centre, as Seren tipped her head to the side questioningly. Once back in close enough proximity to not be overheard, Dorian added "Two young women. They seem rather taken with him."

Seren felt the kneejerk twinge of jealousy, having to fight the urge to demand that Dorian tell her everything he knew about these 'followers'. Knowingly, he leant in closer, whispering "I'd hide that little green monster if I were you. It doesn't suit your complexion."

"Ha ha." She muttered under her breath, as the song came to an end. The men bowed while the women curtsied, before Dorian offered her his arm. He led her up the stairs, the pair weaving through the other guests, until Cullen finally came into sight; backed up against a wall, with two young women inquiring after a dance.

"No, thank you." Cullen replied firmly.

"But Commander…" One of the young women started, before Dorian interrupted as he and Seren finally reached them. Cullen had never looked more relieved in his life.

"May I introduce our charming Commander, Ser Cullen  _Stanton_  Rutherford! He is quite the heart-throb as you can see."

"Dorian…" Cullen hissed, his cheeks flaming as his hand automatically reached up to rub the back of his neck. The gaggle of young women Cullen had attracted, giggled.

"This, my dear man, is the lovely Lady Serenity."

Seren smiled. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you Commander. I have heard so much about the Inquisition during my tour, especially of its accomplished forces. They are a credit to your cause. And to you, I believe."

"You are too kind." Cullen smiled back, his eyes mischievous as they enjoyed their private joke. "But I cannot take all the glory."

"Modest as well as handsome! I think I am beginning to appreciate why you have secured such a following here tonight." She gestured to the young women, who once again giggled as Cullen turned a deeper shade of red.

"I have help, I assure you."

"I can confirm that he does. In the form of a rather wilful young woman who serves as his Lieutenant." Dorian interjected with a grin, never one to be left out of a joke.

"Wilful? How peculiar a description!"

"She can be rather stubborn at times, but she is loyal to a fault." Cullen simply smiled, the laughter lines she knew so well appearing around his mouth and eyes. Gazing up into his face, Seren got lost in those amber eyes, her heart swelling in delight. After several moments with no one speaking, Dorian cleared his throat; both Seren and Cullen were then instantly captivated by their feet.

"Have you danced yet Commander?" The words slipped out before she could stop them.

"I can't say that I have. I'm not really one for dancing. The Templars never attended balls." Perfectly timed with the end of Cullen's sentence, Dorian, who had subtly moved to stand next to the two followers, pinched the Commander's bum. Cullen jolted forward, instantly turning to the two now tittering girls. "Maker's breath, did you just…"

"A dance perhaps?" Seren asked, trying desperately not to smile.

"On second thoughts, yes. That sounds wonderful." Seren took Cullen's arm as he turned towards the dancefloor. Dorian merely winked.


	34. The Matter of a Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen and Seren dance...

"Seren I can't dance. I don't know the steps."

"You can box step, right?"

"Yes but I don't think-" Cullen was panicking, already imagining a room of masked faces staring, laughing even, as he faltered, or worse, caused Seren to falter. He slowed his pace, hoping to miss the start of the dance and use that as his excuse to scurry back to his corner. But Seren just kept smiling kindly, tugging gently at his arm, and Cullen found himself unable to refuse.

"Don't worry, I've got a plan. Trust me." She said reassuringly. "Just follow my lead."

They descended the steps together, before taking their place amongst the other dancers. Seren's heart was in her mouth. She wasn't sure which was scarier; facing demons that spewed out from the depths of the fade or dancing with the oblivious man she was so wholeheartedly in love with. She was beginning to understand his reluctance to dance.

The music began and the couples stepped together. Cullen's face was as white as a sheet, his hands shaking as he tried to maintain an unfazed demeanour. Then he heard Seren gasp. Immediately, his expression turned to one of concern, searching for any ailment yet finding none.

"I can't remember the steps!" Seren exclaimed, loud enough for several noble heads to turn in their direction, her expression horrified as she glanced at all the onlookers. "I'm so embarrassed! Commander you must forgive me! It has been so long since I danced this one. I'm mortified…"

"Oh… that's ok… I…" She nudged him subtly, giving him a 'that was your cue' look. "Oh! Here, take my hand." Cullen took her right hand in his left and pulled her close, Seren's breath hitching a little as he did so. She placed her other hand on his shoulder, as Cullen placed his on her back. Then stepping back in time with the music, Seren followed his lead.

"That was your plan?" He whispered, his warm breath disturbing the hair by her ear.

"It worked, didn't it?"

"True." Seren caught his eye and smiled, as she felt Cullen relax into the dance. That strange look appeared in his eyes, as he said in a quiet, yet serious tone, "Seren, you look…"

"Oh Maker's balls, not you too!" Seren looked away, but she was unable to hide her smile.

"Beautiful." He finished, watching as a delicate blush appeared on Seren's cheeks.

"You had to, didn't you? You just had to."

Cullen chuckled. "Most women would take that as a compliment." Cullen led Seren through a turn, naturally processing across the dancefloor as if they were the only people there.

"Guess I'm not most women then." Seren smirked, taking in his own flawless smile. "Dorian  _loves_  your middle name by the way."

"I gathered." Another graceful turn. "Is the Comtesse the dragon you'd feared she would be?"

"Oh, believe me, she's worse. And some of her staff are…  _interesting_."

"Oh?"

"Long story. For another time." Cullen raised his left hand, Seren rotating underneath to return to his arms. Her dress swirled around her, fanning out with the movement. "Who were those girls?" She asked, as conversationally as she could manage.

"I don't know, but they won't leave me alone." Cullen glanced back to where he'd been stood, noting that both Dorian and the two young women were watching closely.

"Please!" Seren raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you aren't  _enjoying_  the attention."

"Hardly! Anyway, yours is…" The sentence petered out as a blush spread across Cullen's cheeks to reach his ears.

"Mine is what?" Her heart skipped a beat as Seren wondered if he meant what she thought he meant.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter." He quickly changed the subject and Seren buried her feelings.  _Clearly not what I thought_. "Seren, the attack is going to happen tonight, and there are few here we can trust. You must be careful."

"I'm sure you say that to all the girls." Cullen looked down at her, his features twisted with what looked like concern. "Look I'll be fine. The soldiers?"

"In position. But in the event this gets ugly, I want you to…"

"Cullen, a girl like me never comes unprepared."

"I don't want you to get involved." Cullen said flatly, his eyes intently forbidding it.

"I'll bare that in mind."

"Please Seren. Promise me. You're a civilian here." Seren was surprised by how genuinely worried he seemed, wondering if she needed to take this little gathering more seriously than she had been doing. She admitted that she probably did, but that was hard when unarmed and dressed in a damned corset, wearing shoes that would be most comfortable locked away in the bottom of a forgotten chest; especially when the apparent sole concern of the majority of guests, was whether velvet or silk would be in next season.

"Maker, you know how to kick a girl when she's down."

"That's not…" He began remorsefully, before Seren interrupted.

"I know. I just feel a bit useless right now." She said jadedly.

"Don't. You're doing your duty."

 _When did putting on some stupid dress become my duty?_ Seren stopped herself just in time.

She sighed.

_It's not his fault._

"You don't fancy swapping?" Seren half-heartedly joked.

"As pretty as I think I'd look in that dress…" They smirked at each other, Seren already picturing the Commander bulging out of the delicate fabric in all the wrong places.

_Plus the skirt would be up round his knees. Not exactly flattering._

"Point taken. But who would have guessed?" Cullen looked confused. "Commander of the Inquisition scared of dancing! If only Corypheus knew! A dance off and the Inquisition would be in tatters."

"You're not funny." Cullen smiled despite his best efforts, glancing away from her in an attempt to impede her satisfaction.

"No, you're right." She grinned. "I'm hilarious."


	35. Exposure of a Wicked Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Game ends...

Following the end of her dance with Cullen, the Comtesse collected Seren, offering little in the way of an explanation other than the wish for her presence. Reluctantly, Seren allowed herself to be led away, muttering that if he wanted saving again any time soon it would involve a raise.

"Saviours need incentives." Grinning, she shrugged at Cullen's sceptical expression. Cullen managed a smile in return.

Over the course of the next hour, Seren was introduced to a seemingly unending number of assumedly eligible bachelors, all with impressive titles and infinite compliments for the Comtesse's granddaughter, all of which Seren suspected had been pulled swiftly from their arses with slight variation between women. She was allowed respite only when the Inquisitor danced with the Grand Duchess, as the whole room became engrossed in the performance. Mercifully, that included her overly enthusiastic grandmother.

As Maegan entertained her captive audience, Seren started edging away very, very slowly in Cullen's direction, telling herself that it was purely because she wanted to find out if the Inquisitor had discovered anything more; knowing deep down, that was not the reason at all.

"Magnificent, wouldn't you agree?" Seren stopped dead, hesitantly turning at the unfamiliar deep voice, a pair of unusual blue-grey eyes watching her from behind a golden mask. The man was several inches taller than Seren but roughly her age from what she could tell. His brunette hair was short and styled, slicked back from his face. "The Inquisitor is a far better dancer than I'd imagined."

"Quite so."

"Jefferson Lefroy." The man bowed without removing his gaze from Seren's. From proper inspection, he was indisputably handsome, his eyes deep, almost other-worldly even as they drew you in, but he held himself like all the rest.

Seren stifled a groan.

_Maker's balls, not another one._

"A pleasure. But I'm sure it is all yours." Jefferson's brow creased in confusion, although unseen beneath his mask.

He straightened with an uneasy laugh, watching her closely. "I do not often admit this, but I think I am missing something."

"You are?" Seren feigned ignorance with a smile of her lips, wondering how long it would take to get rid of him; especially seeing as she had no chaperone to uphold appearances for nor to censor any social blunders, intentional or otherwise.

"Indeed, I am at a complete loss."

"Oh, so you  _weren't_  going to say 'but the pleasure is all mine'." He looked surprised, if a little stunned by her bluntness, which Seren took as encouragement to continue. "Nor offer a ridiculous number of rehearsed compliments regarding my beauty which, might I add, your view of is impaired by this mask I wear. Or note perhaps, how well my dress suits me, which I am  _fully_  aware is a euphemism for the corset's exaggeration of my chest. Would you like me to continue?"

During her rant, Lefroy's expression had steadily changed to one of bemusement, which only served to irritate Seren further. "What is so funny?"

"Bravo." Lefroy began a slow clap, a smile playing on his lips. "You saw right through me, through all of us I fear. All that you have mentioned, are tactics employed r _eligiously_ by every male here in the hope of ensnaring a young woman such as yourself. But you are the first to realise it as anything other than genuine feeling. I must congratulate you on that."

Seren narrowed her eyes. " _You,_  are teasing me."

"I am hurt by the accusation." Jefferson smirked, a mischievous look in his intense eyes. "Perhaps, now I have been suitably put in my place, I can persuade you to a dance? I promise to keep my 'rehearsed' compliments to myself."

"You still want to dance with me?"

"I do indeed. I am, as yet, undeterred, and find myself extremely fascinated by your attempts. I am anxious to know what you will try next. Plus it seems deeply unfair that only the Inquisition's men have so far coaxed you onto the floor. What is their secret I wonder?"

"I guess there is something rather enchanting about a man in uniform." Seren refused to let herself smile.

"Ahhh indeed. But that definitely places me at a loss, as I am a mere Duke's son with no uniform to enchant you. I have only my wit and charm to rely on, as it appears fortune will not suffice." Jefferson winked as he offered Seren his arm. "Shall we?"

After a further moment's hesitation, Seren begrudgingly took his arm.

* * *

Despite her intention to share a single dance with Lefroy, when the end came and he asked for another, Seren did not refuse. Nor did she the third dance, nor the fourth. Jefferson wasn't as she'd expected, a herring among a lap of cod, and he was surprisingly entertaining. Although Seren couldn't quite make out whether this was his genuine personality, or if he was trying harder to be charming because she had attempted to avoid his company. Whichever it were, Seren was without complaint and was actually enjoying herself as she spun across the floor in the arms of a man that made her smile; who thankfully stuck true to his word by yielding no more compliments. Well, not many more.

"So tell me, if I am prohibited from offering you any greatly deserved compliments, what are we supposed to talk of?"

"Politics, I should expect."

"Oh what a bore! Surely you can locate a more interesting topic in that pretty head of yours."

"Then what would you have us talk of?"

"Hmmm." Jefferson at once looked lost in thought, but his smile betrayed him. "We could play a game."

"A game?" Seren asked suspiciously.

"Yes indeed. We shall take it in turn to point people out and come up with stories for them. You can go first."

"Why?"

" _Why?_  Because it's fun. You surely cannot have anything against a bit of harmless fun?"

Seren studied him, wondering what his motives were, before finally agreeing and pointing out a random stranger from the crowd. "Fine. What's her story?"

"Ah well, she's a lyrium smuggler. But she only does it to finance her own addiction." Jefferson paused for effect. "Carrots I believe."

" _Carrots_?"

"You'd be surprised what you can do with a good carrot."

"You're insane."

"She makes a phenomenal carrot cake."

"She's never baked in her life!" The corners of her mouth twitched regardless of her attempts to restrain them.

Lefroy grinned. "That's probably true. But not how we play the game, my Lady. Still, it made you smile."

"So  _that_ was your intention?"

"Is it not every man's intention to make his partner smile, especially when it is a smile such as yours?"

"That was a compliment." Unsuccessfully, Seren tried to hide her smile.

"But not a rehearsed one, so technically I have stayed within the bounds of our agreement. Now it is your turn. Him over there."

Seren studied the nobleman Jefferson had pointed out, a rather stout man with rosy cheeks and a particularly awful toupee, who was in the company of a much younger woman who did not look happy to be there. "Gambler. He eats, and  _drinks_ , excessively as comfort for the guilt he feels for squandering his son's inheritance. Plus he's got a thing for the younger woman." As the pair watched, a man walked past the selected nobleman and Seren didn't miss the wandering eye. "And the younger man apparently."

"You're actually close. He made his move on me early."

"You're joking." Jefferson winked.

"I think you are taking this game far too seriously, Lady Serenity."

"Is that code for 'you're winning'?" Her partner laughed.

"Competitive, as well as beautiful!"

"That's a second compliment."

"Still unrehearsed, I promise." The conversation lulled, as the third dance came to an end but they remained on the dancefloor, awaiting the fourth.

"Why did you ask me to dance?"

Jefferson momentarily was taken aback, still unused to her bluntness. But he recovered, offering her a kind smile. "You have perfected the art of not smiling with your eyes. I wondered if I could attain a real one."

"I am not sure that is an art-form."

"For you, it most certainly is."

"Was that another compliment or an insult I wonder?"

"A compliment my dear Serenity, for most would not realise it to be a false smile."

"But you, in all your great wisdom, could?"

Lefroy laughed. "Not quite. After witnessing a genuine smile, even a fool could tell the difference." He grew serious, his gaze locked in hers. "In truth, you have been the topic of much talk tonight. Second only in popularity to the Inquisition's presence for the peace talks."

"Oh?"

"All of it good I assure you. I think everyone was a little shocked that a Ferelden has fit so well into Orlesian society! You were expected to flounder like a fish out of water. But alas, you smile and act as you are expected, even amusing a large number with your refreshing conversation. But I have come to notice that your eyes betray you. You are caged and though, perhaps you are enjoying yourself currently, I doubt we shall have the delight of your company again. You seem too much of the adventurous sort, a free and independent woman with a mind of her own, one of the few I have had the pleasure of meeting. So that is why I asked you to dance, because I feared I would not get a chance otherwise."

"Oh." For a moment neither spoke, as Seren tried to process what had been said. She'd done well in infiltrating the ball unbeknown, which apparently was as surprising for everyone else as it was for her. Seren glanced at Jefferson, wanting to speak, but her mouth just opened and closed with no sound escaping in between. After another few seconds, Lefroy leant in close to her ear.

"Now I have rendered you speechless,  _I'm_  going to smile at  _you_."

He pulled back so Seren could see his face and grinned goofily with his eyes crossed. She dissolved into an unrestrainable fit of giggles, barely able to keep in time with the other dancers, while Jefferson laughed along with her.

* * *

As the music came to an end, the Inquisitor appeared seemingly stony faced in time for the Empress's speech. Still out on the dancefloor and unable to hear their conversation, Seren noted Cullen's shock as Maegan spoke, a sudden feeling of dread flooding her veins.

 _Something's wrong._ Seren glanced around the room, searching for anyone who was out of place among the court. She couldn't spot anyone, but she was already running through scenarios in her mind. All of which, she realised, involved the sword and shield that were not on her person.

Maegan started down the steps, subtly acknowledging Seren as she strode past. Seren glanced at Cullen, finding his eyes searching for hers. He looked stricken, but he mouthed ' _Don't get involved'._

Seren sighed but nodded once to accept his order, before returning her attention to the Inquisitor's advance towards the three assembled before the Empress.

The whole court gasped as Maegan addressed the Grand Duchess.

"We owe the court one more show, your Grace."

* * *

Regardless of Florianne's exposure and resulting disgrace, the ball continued; Empress Celene's position now indisputable with the backing of the Inquisition. The dancing recommenced at Celene's insistence, although many of her guests were too busy discussing the scandal they had just witnessed to even consider anything else.

Across the room, Seren spotted Cullen in conversation with her grandmother.

_Not a good sign._

Seren immediately excused herself from Jefferson's company, which he seemed more than a little disappointed about. Nevertheless, he smiled and kissed her hand before saying, "I shall appropriate some more compliments for our next meeting."

Seren laughed. "And I will look forward to undermining them."

With so many guests just milling around, Seren's progress across the room was slow to say the least. By the time she reached where Cullen and the Comtesse had been, they had already parted ways and Seren couldn't locate either of them. She searched for many minutes, even checking the vestibule and guest gardens, before finally spotting a head of golden curls alone on a balcony.

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere. I was beginning to think you were hiding from me."

Cullen turned to her, crossing his arms and resting against the stone railing as he spoke. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know. Maybe I stepped on your foot earlier."

"Not that I'm aware."

"Thank the Maker." Seren smiled but Cullen did not return it. Nor did he reply.  _Weird…_ Seren moved across the balcony, staring out across the gardens beyond. "Well, that was a turn up for the books. They'll be gossiping about it for years."

"Yes, the Inquisitor handled it well." He said flatly, his eyes occupied in avoiding hers.  
"Are you alright?" Seren asked hesitantly, running through all that could be wrong and realising just how long that list of possibilities was.

Cullen sighed. "Yes. I'm just... tired."

"Are you not…"  
"I'm fine, Seren. Don't worry."

"Telling me not to, is hardly going to stop me." Cullen looked at her then, his eyes studying her face intently. He was about to speak but Seren interrupted, not wanting to be scolded for her unwanted concern. "What did my dragon of a Grandmother want with you by the way?"

Cullen's brow creased. "Nothing."

"It looked rather intense for nothing?" The Commander fidgeted uncomfortably, again unable to meet her gaze.

"You thrived here tonight, you know that right?"

"I've heard rumours that I wasn't a complete social disaster." Seren said slowly, confused as to where he was heading with the conversation. "Cullen, what's this about?"

"You're enjoying this, being one of them." His tone was bitter and tinged with frustration. Seren didn't know how to respond, his allegation cutting deep.

_What am I missing here?_

"For one night, yes! It's been a change, and not entirely a bad one. I admit I've enjoyed playing dress up. I've enjoyed dancing and I've even enjoyed that flowery shite they've been serving as wine all night." She paused in an attempt to compose herself. "But my favourite part of the whole evening? Dancing with my best friend, even if he was reluctant to do so."

"I'm sure your last partner wouldn't be so pleased to hear that."

"Lefroy? Are you kidding me? He was a laugh, I'll grant him that, but Cullen, why can't you see that I'm just playing my part. I'm doing my duty, like  _you_  told me to!" She sighed. "At the end of the day, I'm a soldier and I did as instructed. And yes, despite the fact I've always denied being that girl who wants to get all dressed up and go to a ball, secretly I dreamed of it. But it was a dream, and the reality wasn't quite as I'd imagined. It was an experience, but I prefer my life. My  _real_  life. Even if it involves fighting off every Maker-forsaken demon that comes charging out of the fucking fade. Or even, arguing with my Commander for being too bloody pig-headed to see that his Lieutenant is tired of playing dress up. Despite all that, I wouldn't change it for the world. Because…" _You're there._ Seren couldn't bring herself to say it. "Well, just because."

"Would you like to dance?" Cullen extended his hand.

"What?" Her voice was several decibels above the norm, suitably highlighting her confusion.

"Well, now you're done shouting at me, I thought I'd invite you to dance, instead of the other way around."

"Oh. Right. Okay. Sure." Completely bewildered, she took his hand as Cullen pulled her close. Unable to look at him, she mumbled "I wasn't shouting."

"You were a little."

"Only because you drive me insane!" Seren exclaimed, noting the bemused expression on Cullen's face. She frowned.

"So it's my fault." He said. Seren gave him a look. "Ah yes, it's always my fault, I remember now. I'm sorry Seren, it's just been a long night."

"It's okay. I'll forgive you eventually." She smiled, pleased to see his mouth curl in response. "Two dances in one night though. I thought you didn't like dancing?"

"I do, when it's with you." Seren blushed under his gaze, feeling her heart begin to race. When she didn't reply, Cullen nodded to an adjacent balcony lying just above, drawing Seren's attention to a pair of dancing figures. "Looks like Blackwall stole my idea."

"They seem happy." She watched as the Inquisitor spun beneath Blackwall's arm, Maegan beaming in her lover's embrace. "You know, I think it's going to be alright."

"What is?"

"This war. We're going to get through."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's fighting for love now. There's no greater motivation."

"When did you become such a romantic?" Cullen couldn't help smirking, desperately trying to suppress a laugh.

She smacked his chest. "You know what, Cullen? You are such a moment killer."

"I'm sorry. Please do carry on."

"Too late, moment's gone." Seren glanced away to hide her smile, noticing a figure heading in their direction. "Ah crap. Dragon inbound." The pair stepped apart, as a clearly displeased Comtesse reached them. "Lady Grandmother, I believe you have already met Commander Rutherford."

"I have. Commander." The Comtesse and Cullen nodded coldly at one another, not unnoticed by the Lieutenant, before Elisabeth turned her attention to Seren. "Come Serenity, our carriage is ready."

"We're leaving?"

"Indeed, my dear. And I do not like to be kept waiting." Elisabeth's eyes flickered in Cullen's direction, her nostrils flaring as if there were a bad smell.

"Of course, Lady Grandmother." The Comtesse stalked back into the ballroom, lingering just inside the door where Seren knew she would have been able to hear everything said outside. "Thank you Commander for a lovely evening. I guess I shall see you in a few days." Seren nodded and turned towards the ballroom. As she took her first step, Cullen grabbed her arm.

"Seren. I almost forgot. This arrived for you." He produced a crumpled envelope from his back pocket, placing it gently in her hands.

Seren turned the envelope over, surprised to find the seal unbroken. "Unopened?"

He shrugged. "I managed to intercept it before it reached Leliana."

"Thank you, Commander."

"You're welcome, Lieutenant."

Cullen watched as Seren walked away, receiving a lasting glare from the woman leading her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to apologise for the delay posting this chapter. An abominable cold and a greatly unwanted mountain of coursework had kept me from writing. However, I hope to be posting more regularly for the foreseeable future :)


	36. A Waking Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which monsters roam the halls...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains references to Non-Con. But not described.

A little after midnight, Seren and the Comtesse arrived back at the estate, the house once more illuminating the darkness as a shining beacon on the horizon. Offering her granddaughter a simple 'goodnight', the Comtesse retired to her chambers, leaving a weary Seren with little else to do, other than return to her own.

Strangely, Lilly was not awaiting Seren when she stumbled into her room, not that it registered as particularly alarming. In her state of exhaustion, Seren felt considerably relieved to not have to contribute to socialisation, the thought alone draining. That was until she faced undoing a corset while wearing it, which funnily enough was not entirely straightforward.

After several minutes of awkwardly turning in the mirror, trying desperately for a better view, her arms painfully twisting backwards in an attempt to undo the blasted garment, Seren was finally free, her aching rib cage tender at first but easing with time. She threw on an old shirt and a pair of breeches, deposited her nightmarish shoes under the bed, then retrieved the letter Cullen had given her, pulling an armchair close to the fire.

Though the handwriting was familiar, until Seren opened the envelope and saw the name at the bottom, she couldn't quite place it.

_Seren,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. It was awful to hear what happened in Haven, but we were all relieved to hear from your father that you were safe. Please remain that way my dear._

_Unfortunately, this is not a letter I wished to write and I'm sure not one you had hoped to receive for some time. But I made you a promise that I'd look out for your father and keep you updated._

_My dear, he's not been well. He tells me that he writes to you, but as you haven't been to visit, I wonder exactly what he's told you and more importantly, what he hasn't. This winter's been hard on him. I've been taking meals to him every day for a couple of months now, because he's just so frail, love._

_I don't want you to panic though dear. He's hanging on, and manages most of the time. Our Fred helps with any jobs your father can't manage on his own, so he's not without anything, I assure you. He's still insisting on looking after the garden single-handedly. Stubborn as a druffalo, your father._

_But I do think it's time. He needs more constant care now, and we can't offer anymore._

_I know you will do what's right and I hope to see you soon love._

_Stay safe,_

_Aunty Pat_

_Shit._  Seren dropped the letter to her lap, fretfully chewing at her lip. She'd known this day would come, suspected it to be sooner rather than later from her father's last letter. It had been so brief, his words scrawled unevenly across the page, some barely recognisable as a language, with great ink drops where he had clearly paused to think for long periods.

Aunty Pat wasn't really a relative, but she'd been her mother's best friend when Seren was growing up. Patricia Sheldrake had lived next door with her family as long as Seren could remember. Freddie, Pat's eldest, had been Seren's only friend for many years, at least until she'd met Cullen.

Unlike so many of the village during the blight, her parents and the Sheldrakes had managed to escape Honnleath just in time, the darkspawn hoards arriving within days of their departure. Seren would never forget the day she learned that Cullen's parents had not been so lucky.

When the blight ended, despite her protests, Seren's parents returned to Honnleath along with the Sheldrakes. Both families helped with the clean-up, the whole village stricken with grief as they dealt with the darkspawn's aftermath. Seren hadn't returned, unable to face what had become of her home, unable to face the empty houses and missing faces of people that were now lost to memory.

With time, slowly but surely, the village had been rebuilt, the strength of those returning creating a community that was hard to shatter, and life in Honnleath began to resemble normality once more.

After her mother passed, Seren had insisted her father return with her to Denerim but he'd flatly refused leaving his home for 'that scum of a city'. In the end, she'd had to leave him, practically begging Mrs Sheldrake to keep an eye on him; the thought of something happening to him while she was away, being utterly unbearable.

Seren began to send money back to him, all that she could afford to spare, often imploring him in her letters to hire any help he required. She had a strange feeling that those requests were being ignored, James Pasquet being a proud man who never wanted to be anyone else's burden but his own.

She knew what she had to do, what the right thing was to do. But convincing her father that leaving his home was now a necessity, was going to be tricky to say the least.

Seren sighed and got to her feet. She searched the room from a pot of ink, finding one stuffed away at the back of a drawer in the dresser, grabbed a couple of paper scraps and sat at the dressing table, lighting a candle to increase the light.

_Cullen,_

_Something's wrong._

_My father's_

Seren crossed it out, crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it into the fire with surprising accuracy. If she told him, he'd only worry. Plus to write and explain everything required energy she didn't possess. So she started again.

_Commander,_

_Gone to Honnleath. Urgent business._

_Be back in a few days._

_SP_

She'd send Taylor and Brett back to Skyhold with the note and travel home alone. Seren knew Cullen would be less than pleased, but she figured that by the time he found out, there would be nothing he could do. No doubt he'd be pissed when she returned but that was another day's problem.

 _I don't think things could get any worse._ Seren closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose, feeling the starting signs of one of her headaches.

Suddenly, Lilly burst into the room, causing Seren to jump up from her seat, intuitively in the direction of her weapon still leaning against the wall.

"I'm so sorry, my lady! I should have been waiting. You must forgive me. I…I…I lost track of the time." Lilly stuttered, clearly flustered, her voice breaking in several places. Seren visibly relaxed, exhaustion quickly replacing the alarm of Lilly's entrance.

"It's fine Lilly, don't worry." As the maid moved across the room, scooping up the garments Seren had lazily abandoned on the floor, the Lieutenant noticed Lilly was not only shyly trying to hide the right side of her face, but also sniffling. Seren's brow creased. "Lilly, are you alright?"

"Of course, my lady. Everything's fine." Lilly tried to smile, her tone undeniably strained, still deliberately shielding her face, but Seren didn't miss the wince.

"Lilly?" Seren got to her feet, placing a hand on Lilly's arm. "Lilly, what's wrong?"

After a pause, the maid timidly turned around, revealing a swollen, bleeding lip and a bruising eye, which was growing a shade of purple deeper with every passing second.

"Lilly, who did this to you?" Seren asked, horrified at the state Lilly was in, though a gut feeling told her she already knew the answer to her question.

"No one, my lady. Please don't concern yourself. I just… tripped." The maid's eyes filled with tears, and she turned her face away from Seren in an attempt to hide it. That's when Seren noticed the torn skirt.

"Did someone…?" The Lieutenant felt her blood run cold, heard the ice in her own tone, the mere thought of someone assaulting another in such a way was insufferable.

"Please, my lady. Don't ask these questions." Lilly was practically begging, her teary eyes pleading for Seren to let it go. But the Lieutenant had every intention of getting to the bottom of it.

"Who did this to you?" She demanded.

"I can't… Please, I can't."

"Lilly, you have tell me. I can protect you, I swear it."

"He said he'd hurt Grace. I couldn't let him… I couldn't. Not my little girl." Lilly was sobbing, dropping to her knees in a puddle of torn fabric and tears. The sound was heart-wrenching, a mixture of despair and shame that cut right to the core.

Seren knelt down, placed her hand on Lilly's back and softened her tone, not completely sure how to comfort her but wanting to try. "Who Lilly?"

For a second, Lilly's sobs came to an end. She held the Lieutenant's gaze, unsure how to proceed, sniffling as she formed her answer. "Lovet." Lilly admitted, a couple of tears escaping from the corners of her watery eyes, tracing down her already damp cheeks.

Seren produced a handkerchief from her pocket, placing it delicately in Lilly's hands. Lilly gratefully took it, dabbing tentatively at her swollen face.

"It's going to be okay. I promise. Come with me." Seren said, standing again.

"But Grace!" The maid's eyes filled with fresh tears, predictably distressed by the thought of something happening to her child.

"Don't worry," Seren said. "I'll send Taylor to fetch her. You'll both be safe."

* * *

With Lilly in tow, Seren downright hammered on the Taylor's door, arousing a rather bedraggled version of the recruit from the depths of sleep.

"Lieutenant?" Taylor's tone was of drowsy confusion.

"I need you to fetch Lilly's daughter, Grace, from the servant's quarters.  _Immediately_."

Taylor straightened, her tone more resolute. "Yes, Lieutenant."

Seren set off down the hall, reaching Brett's door in a few strides. She raised her fist to knock, but the door opened of its own accord, revealing the recruit who had already heard the commotion up the hall.

"Lieutenant." Brett nodded.

"Brett, we're leaving tonight. Get packing." Seren turned to Lilly. "Stay here with Brett. You'll be safe with her."

"Thank you, my lady." Lilly answered weakly.

Seren forced a smile. Glancing at Brett, she added "You don't leave her alone for an instant. Clear?"

"As crystal, Lieutenant." Seren turned, heading back up the hall. "Where are you going?" Brett shouted after her.

"I need to have a chat with someone." Seren paused. "When Taylor gets back, tell her to find Ser Ashleigh. And you guard that child and her mother with your life, do you hear me?"

"Of course Lieutenant." Seren nodded, then disappeared at high speed to find a dead man.

* * *

Seren had no idea where he'd be, but there was one thing she knew; she was determined to find the son of a bitch. Fury fuelled her as she sprinted along the corridors, revolted by the monster who had violated someone as vulnerable as Lilly. In the end, he wasn't so hard to find.

Casually leaning against one of the walls in the gallery, undoubtedly where he had been posted for the remainder of the night, stood the guard she was looking for.

"Lovet!" Seren careened in his direction, fists clenched at her sides as she ran down the stairs, her rage burning from the inside out.

"My Lady. What can I do for you?" Lovet answered coolly, a small smile growing at her appearance. Seren stopped a few metres from him, her steps echoing around the room.

"I'm not here for a  _chat_. I want you out. Grab your stuff and go." She said through gritted teeth, glaring at him, her anger all-consuming.

"I'm sorry my lady, I don't understand." Lovet said innocently, his smile growing larger.

"We're not playing this game. Get out  _now_  before I make you."

"Ahhh I see." He sneered, taking a step towards her. "You're jealous."

" _What?_ " Seren's mind went blank.

"Lilly must have told you of our… arrangement." Lovet took another step. Seren instinctively edged backwards.

"So that's what you call  _rape_  in Antiva is it?" Seren snapped, her tone dripping with malice.

"Such an…  _ugly_  word. And it was consensual. Mostly."

"You threatened her child." He moved closer, slowly but still closer. Seren backed away, suddenly anxious at his sneer.

"Come, come now my Lady. We both know what this is really about. I've seen the way you look at me. There really was no need for the secrecy." Lovet took a long stride, reaching out for her so he was almost close enough to touch. Seren jumped back, panic biting at her heart.

"Stay away from me." She warned, as he watched her as a predator watches prey.

"We can play your games if that's how you like it. I know what you want, can give you what you need…" Another step, and Seren was backed against a wall, stuck between a potted plant and an ancient sideboard.

She cleared her throat. "Try and touch me again and I'll cut your balls off. Then personally ram them down your throat. I'm warning you."

Lovet glanced at her waist, noting the distinct lack of weapons.

 _Fuck._  Seren's heart pounded, her eyes widening as Lovet sneered, his hand caressing the blade at his hip.

"With what?" Lovet was so close she could smell him, could feel his breath against her skin. But she couldn't move. Seren was paralysed, her sheer panic crippling. Her mind raced, desperate to get away, but she had no weapon, and he was likely stronger than her, even with his gangly frame.

He leant in, beginning to sniff at her skin, nuzzling into her hair, inhaling her scent. He reached out to touch, lazily running his fingers across her jaw, down her neck, across her collarbone, under her shirt... Seren saw red.

' _Be unexpected, but not stupid. Never stupid.'_  Her words rang in her ears, her only chance was to aim for the soft areas, ensuring maximum impact with little effort.

Before he had any idea what had crossed her mind, Seren punched him quick and hard in the neck. Lovet reeled back choking and gagging, and with a swift kick to the groin, the man was convulsing, his knees buckling and hitting the floor with a painful thump.

On his knees before her, Seren brought up her own knee, his head snapping backwards with the impact to his chin. His whole body shot back, hitting the tiles with a dull thud. Lovet coughed and groaned, rolling helplessly on the floor while Seren towered over him.

"Go near her, or the child,  _again_  and I swear to the Maker, I will slit your throat. I want you  _gone_. If I ever even catch a glimpse of you in the corner of my eye, you will regret the day you were born, I can promise you that."

"You think some stupid bitch like you can scare me?" The guard furiously spat, offering only a dark scowl.

With the last shred of her patience completely spent, Seren booted him in the face with everything she could muster. His head smacked back onto the tile, his body going limp instantly, blood pouring from his now extremely misshapen nose.

For a moment she thought he was dead, as blood pooled beneath his head, oozing red across the tiles and into the channels between, dispersing with startling speed.

But his chest continued to rise and fall. Just.

_Sick bastard would live._

Seren thought about ending him there, smothering him with her bare hands, taking the life from the vile and heartless creature sprawled across the floor. She knew he deserved it, but she couldn't bring herself to take a life when the owner couldn't even fight for it.

Instead with her hands shaking uncontrollably and her whole body pulsing with adrenaline, Seren hurriedly disarmed him, worried he'd awaken before anyone found them.

 _It's over,_  she told herself.  _It's done. You're okay. You're okay…_  Extremely shaken, she slumped down against the wall, tears threatening to spill as she hugged her knees to her torso.

Finally, a set of rushed, heavy footsteps grew close but Seren couldn't look up. She was transfixed by Lovet's breathing and the blood creeping across the floor. Ser Ashleigh appeared in the doorway.

"Maker's breath! Is he?"

"No. He's still alive." She said blankly.

"Are you alright…"

Seren dragged the heels of her hands across her eyes, sniffling slightly as she got to her feet. "I'm fine." She said as confidently as she could manage.

"My lady?"

"I'm fine. Just let it go." Seren said firmly. "I need our horses readied"

"You're leaving? Tonight?" Ser Ashleigh exclaimed.

"Yes. We can't stay now. And neither can Lilly and Grace."

"Maker's breath, he didn't…"

"Just get him _out_."  _Before I do something I'll regret._

Seren stepped around Lovet's unconscious form, careful to avoid the blood and Ser Ashleigh's face.

* * *

Walking back, she felt dirty, a knot forming in her stomach as she reached the recruits' rooms. Taylor had been true to her word and collected a sleepy Grace, who was clutching a rather battered teddy bear tightly to her chest with one hand and sucking the thumb of her other. Brett had begun packing, several bags already full on the bed. Everyone stopped what they were doing when Seren entered.

"You're coming to Skyhold with us." The Lieutenant addressed a pale looking Lilly. "We will protect you. And Grace. You have my word."

"I can't ask that of you, my lady."

"You're not asking." Seren forced another smile. "Go with Brett and collect your things. We're leaving as soon as." Once Brett and Lilly had left, Seren turned her attention to Taylor. "You're to set them up in my quarters when you reach Skyhold."

"You aren't coming with us Lieutenant?"

"I have some things I need to attend to. I need you to give this to the Commander as soon as you arrive back. It explains where I'm going. And I need you to explain what happened here if you could. I expect you and Brett to look after them, especially Lilly." Seren lowered her voice, with a sideward glance at the little girl, who thankfully appeared to be oblivious to all that had happened. "She'll need a healer."

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Right, gallery in ten." Seren didn't wait for a response.


	37. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren heads home...

Armoured up and saddlebag full with her few belongings, Seren reminded herself that she was fine, despite knowing the exact opposite to be true. Repeatedly. Her hands twitched, shaking regardless of her attempts to steady them.

_Pull yourself together woman. Nothing happened to_ _**you** _ _._

The sick feeling in the pit of her stomach wouldn't budge, no matter how many deep breaths she took, her mind constantly replaying his voice, his smirk, his vile breath, his touch. Her skin crawled.

Seren filled the hand basin on the dressing table, and buried her face beneath the water's surface, her loose hair falling into the bowl. She screamed, the sound lost in the bubbles rushing past her face in their bid for escape, until her lungs burned from lack of oxygen. Seren straightened, her wet hair flinging water across the room.

_You're okay._

A harrowed figure stared back from the mirror. She was far from okay.

But she had to get the others back to Skyhold and head to Honnleath, to sort out her father. There was no time for wallowing in self-pity.

Seren shook her head _,_  as if to shake away the memories of the last hour, then stared down her reflection, her features setting into stony determination _._

_Right, you can have this breakdown when your job is done. Now get your arse in gear and out of that door._ She pulled her hair back, tying the damp ends into a tight bun at the base of her skull.

_And as far away from this shithole as possible._

Seren grabbed her bag, swinging it over one shoulder and marched out, the door slamming shut with enough force to cause the paintings on the surrounding walls to shiver on their hooks.

Taylor, Brett and Lilly were waiting in the vestibule, with a dozing Grace, wrapped in an oversized shawl, curled up on the small pile of hastily packed possessions by the door. As Seren briskly jogged down the stairs, Ser Ashleigh appeared in the entranceway, emerging from the dark outside, dressed in ancient leather cloak with a matted fur trim. In an outstretched hand, he carried a lantern.

"Your horses are ready, my lady."

"Thank you Ser Ashleigh. Taylor. Brett. Get Lilly and Grace mounted."

"Yes Ser." The soldiers replied in unison, each stooping to collect Lilly's belongings as the maid herself roused her daughter. Grace rubbed at her eyes, yawning as she reluctantly got to her feet. To her credit though, the child didn't complain. Whether that was a result of her good manners or from a lack of energy was irrelevant. Lilly offered Seren a gracious smile as she ushered Grace out of the door after Taylor and Brett, which the Lieutenant returned with a simple nod.

"You really don't have to leave tonight my lady. Wait until morning, I beg you. For the sake of the child, if not your own."

"You know why I can't allow that."

"That blaggard is gone, I assure you. If I'd had any idea, any at all…" Ashleigh looked genuinely tormented. With his face drawn, the bags beneath his eyes and the deep wrinkles that tracked his forehead showing his years, the guilt at having overlooked Lovet had dissolved his otherwise cheerful disposition.

"I don't blame you, Ser Ashleigh." Seren said honestly, relieved as the furrow of the Captain's brow softened with the knowledge that she didn't place the blame on him. "But Lilly needs a healer, and Skyhold has some of the best in Thedas. She'll be well looked after there."

From above, a door slammed against a wall. Scurrying footsteps announced the arrival of the Comtesse onto the balcony. Dressed in a frilly dressing gown, with her grey hair twisted into a plait and tied with a white ribbon, Elisabeth peered across the vestibule, her eyes latching onto Seren's. She did not look happy.

_Great. Just great._

"What is this nonsense about my Granddaughter  _leaving_  in the middle of the night?"

"I assure you, it isn't nonsense Lady Grandmother." Seren said flatly, disappointed that she had been unable to miss this little confrontation.

"What in Thedas could have possessed you to leave at this unearthly hour?"

"More like who." Seren glared at her Grandmother.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh don't worry, it was not you I was referring to Lady Grandmother. But I'm sure you'll be horrified to discover that a member of your staff was assaulted tonight."

"Ser Ashleigh?"

"I can confirm it your ladyship."

"Who? Who was harmed?"

"Lady Serenity's maid, Lilly, your ladyship." Ser Ashleigh's tone was grave.

"By whom?"

"Lovet, your ladyship. I assure you though, he has been escorted from the property."

_The bastard woke up then._

The Comtesse went quiet, her eyes widening and chin rising slightly. Seren frowned.

"You don't seem particularly surprised Lady Grandmother." Seren's eyes narrowed, her anger flaring again. "Lilly's not the first, is she?"

"Oh come now my dear, these things do happen."

"How  _many_?" Seren asked coldly, her nausea creeping back.

"His assistance has been invaluable."

"How  **many**?" Her voice exploded around the room, booming as it echoed off the walls, the Comtesse to jumping at the sudden outburst.

"It really does not matter."

"How  _dare_  you!" Seren bellowed, the sound rumbling in her chest. "I thought he was a monster, but you…" The Lieutenant laughed bitterly, before adding "I'm sure you'll be glad to know that your Granddaughter was nearly the most recent addition to that list."

Elisabeth's face drained of all colour, as Seren clenched her jaw and glared up at her; the Lieutenant was intent on making the woman squirm as long as possible.

"He never… Surely not… He wouldn't…" The Comtesse stammered, lost for words for the first time since Seren had arrived. Despite the circumstances, Seren rather enjoyed it.

"I hate to bring this to an end, but I have a long journey ahead. It's been… well it's been. Thank you for your hospitality, your ladyship."

"You do realise he has nothing to offer you."

Seren paused, once more glancing up to the balcony. "Who?"

"The Commander. He has no title beyond the Inquisition, nor any land."

"You've got to be kidding me." Seren shook her head as an exasperated smile grew. Then her face fell as the pieces fell into place. "That's what you said to him earlier isn't it?"

The Comtesse raised her chin, averting her eyes from Seren's gaze. That was the only confirmation she needed.

_Well shit, no wonder he was so weird with me._

_That's going to be awkward when I get back._

"You're making a mistake going back to him."

Seren snorted. "Not that it is any of your business, but the only mistake I made was coming here."

"Then why did you?"

"Good question." Seren strode out the door, determined never to return.

* * *

The group left the estate behind, riding along the moonlit roads in silence. As Lilly could not ride, it was agreed that she would sit behind Brett while Grace would ride with Seren. The little girl had drifted asleep within minutes, leaning back against the Lieutenant, whose arms encircled the child to make sure she remained on the horse while her hands held the reins. But as a result, their pace was laboriously slow, and they were all exhausted before the journey had begun.

They reached a village just as the first rays of daylight spread across the country, the sunlight dispelling the night's chill, but Seren's eyes were drifting shut, growing heavier with each passing second. The horses were also beginning to tire.

The Lieutenant directed the party towards an Inn, depositing the horses with a stable hand and carrying a still sleeping Grace in her arms. That early in the morning, only the landlord and a classic handful of very devoted patrons occupied the bar.

The locals gawked at the women, who hesitated by the doorway. Seren sighed, shifted Grace slightly to a more comfortable position, careful not to jostle the child so she would wake, then resolutely walked up to the bar.

"We need four rooms if you have them." Seren forced a smile, adding a "Please."

The landlord eyed her up and down, taking in her bedraggled appearance, her armour and weapon, then inspecting the child bundled in her arms. "No rooms. We're full."

_Great._

"You sure?" Seren heard the hint of hostility in her tone.

"Positive." The landlord sniffed, puffing himself up to full height.

Seren paused, feeling herself on the verge of begging. But if there was one thing a Pasquet did not do, it was beg. "Thanks." She muttered, before turning back to her companions.

"Right, there's several other villages between here and Skyhold. One of them will have room." Seren said decisively, unable to help noticing her party's disappointed expressions. It had already been such a long night. Lilly was pale as death, practically ready to collapse as she wavered by the door. "It's not far now Lilly." The maid smiled weakly.

"Yah're with the Inquisition?" The landlord spoke, causing the patrons to look up from their drinks again, a captive audience for Seren's reply. The Lieutenant nodded wearily, half expecting a flurry of requests that she'd have to politely listen to, half expecting an ear-bashing. The Inquisition still had some opposition after all. But neither came, as a big grin spread across the landlord's face. "Yah should've said! Yah lot helped clear a load o' darkspawn out of the village a few months back. We'll find yah somethin' don't worry. We'll make room. To be honest, thought yah folk were mercenaries. Them lot are bloody trouble."

* * *

The landlord set the group up with rooms, Seren falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Dutifully, at their request, the landlord roused them a few hours later. His knock woke the Lieutenant with a start.

For a couple of awful seconds, Seren was completely disorientated, confused by her unfamiliar surroundings and the sunlight peeking through the shabby curtains. But the feeling passed, the memories of the hours previous flooding back like a tsunami wave breaking over shore. They were quickly banished to the back of her mind.

Within half an hour, the women had remounted, the landlord suitably paid for his troubles and they were continuing their journey.

The Frostbacks were growing, no longer were they looming as shadows on the horizon; instead they became giants that strecthed into the sky, their summits lost in a series of cloudy haze, blazing white against a crystal blue backdrop.

At a crossroads, with Grace handed into Taylor's care, Seren parted ways from the others as they headed towards Skyhold without her. She felt an invisible tug, her heart aching to return to the Fortress, to the man that was waiting there.

_To the man that will most likely be beyond pissed when I return._  Seren shook her head.

_There's a time and place for that Seren. Here and now, is not it._

The rest of the journey took several hours, but as she drew closer to Honnleath, the roads became more familiar. As did the valleys and pastures, until the tiny village she had known so well as a child came into sight.

At this time of year, the fields were green and prosperous, the hedgerows full of activity, while the trees were finally reaching full leaf. Honnleath in springtime was a far cry from the dismal memories she harboured from her last visit.

_From grey skies fell ruthlessly, icy rain, while her mother's body was carried on shoulders to the pyre, where the whole village solemnly stood, drenched to the bone. There were no tears left, spent during a sleepless night without the woman who had been a constant companion through those that had gone before. The chill bit at her face, the mud squelching beneath her feet, as she linked arms with her father and marched in deathly silence._

_Mother Leticia addressed her audience, her voice surprisingly clear through the persistent downpour, but still, to Seren her words went unheard. Her father helped light the pyre, before handing the torch to his daughter. She stepped forward, burying the flame amongst the timber and internal kindling. It spread despite the storm's protests, catching its brothers and burning as energetically, engulfing her mother's body, now a shadow in the glow._

_But still no tears fell, as an unabating numbness took claim to her body and mind._

_Genuine sympathies were greeted with forced smiles and muttered thanks, before an argument with her father, begging him to leave his home. After his refusal, Seren had packed and left, only to bump into her mother's best friend at the door, with a casserole in hand._

" _You're leaving Seren?" Pat's brow creased, the rain running down her face as she squinted up into Seren's face._

" _I can't stay. I'm needed back in Denerim." That wasn't strictly true, seeing as King Alistair had instructed her to take as much time as she needed, but Seren had had enough. It was time to get out._

" _Oh." Pat's face fell. "I thought you'd at least be around a few days more."_

" _I'm sorry Aunty Pat. Thank you for everything though." Seren dragged the woman into an awkward embrace, the casserole dangerously balanced in one hand off to the side._

" _You're welcome my dear. I just wish I could do more. You're mum… well she was a very special person. I loved her dearly. And I will miss her." Pat pulled away, biting her lip as she tried to hold back the tears that had filled her eyes, swallowing her emotions as she tried to compose herself. "Don't forgot us now dear."_

" _How could I?" Seren offered a small smile, taking a step out into the elements. Then she stopped, lowered her voice and said "Aunty Pat?"_

" _Yes dear?"_

" _Can I ask you a favour?"_

Pat had promised to watch out for her father, and it didn't seem that long ago, yet here Seren was, riding back to Honnleath after receiving a letter she hoped would never come.

Most people were out in the fields at this time of day, but the village's children were playing in the streets, where Seren herself had once played. Hopscotch grids were drawn into the dirt beneath Lexi's feet, some old, some new, while a group kicked a ball around in front of the chantry. Seren didn't stop, heading straight for her childhood home, hoping to go unnoticed until she reached her destination.

Her parents' house was relatively small, just large enough for the three of them, although Seren remembered how claustrophobic it had become in the months before she left for a new life in Denerim. The house was surrounded by the garden her father had meticulously cultivated over the decades he had lived there; each year it would grow slightly larger and considerably more beautiful.

Seren dismounted, tied Lexi to a fence post and headed to the front door. She removed her gloves and knocked, but there was no answer. She knocked again, but still no reply came. So she headed around the back, spotting her father kneeling in among his flowers as he tended to them.

The Lieutenant hesitated, choosing to lean against an exterior wall, smiling as a breeze filled her senses with a glorious mix of all the flowers' scents. Sat in the sun's gaze, warming his back, James Pasquet's greying hair shone, blissfully unaware of his daughter's presence.

"You know, you could hire someone to help you with that money I've been sending you." James Pasquet turned at first with a confused expression, then with a grin, his eyes sparkling as they fell over Seren. "Hi Dad."

"Seren!" Her father stumbled as he rushed to his feet a little too quickly. But instantly Seren was by his side, catching his arm to steady him.

"Careful tiger." Seren said softly.

"I didn't know you were coming! You didn't mention anything in your last letter!" Her father beamed at her, inspecting her own smiling face.

"Spontaneous visit, I guess."

"You seem well. Cullen must be looking after you."

"The Commander is a good leader if that's what you mean." Seren replied tactfully, receiving a knowing look from her father.

"Well you seem happier, if a little tired."

"Dad, the last time you saw me wasn't exactly our finest hour." Seren said, carefully avoiding responding to the second part. She didn't trust herself to maintain her composure.

"That's true, love. Come, sit here with me. I'm not used to standing for long." Seren took a seat next to her father on the bench she'd help him build as a child. She was a little surprised to find that they didn't vanish straight through the middle, but the wood seemed sturdy enough. "So what do I owe the pleasure of this visit to? Or should I ask whom?" Mr Pasquet raised a knowing eyebrow.

"Aunty Pat's just-"

"Looking out for me." Her father mimicked her voice, sighing a little before continuing. "I know. But she's a bloody busybody, that woman."

"She was Mum's best friend."

"I know. I thinks that's why they got along." He grinned. "Two peas in a busybody pod."

Seren smiled. "The garden looks beautiful Dad."

"Thanks love." He glanced around, surveying his creation with unashamed pride. Then he turned to his daughter with that same pride in his eyes. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too Dad." Seren took his hand, feeling the prickle of tears behind her own eyes.

"I'm alright, you know." Her father reassured, gripping her hand tightly. "You really didn't have to come. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're here. It's been too long Seren."

"I needed to make sure you were okay Dad. Have you been using the money I sent you?" Her father looked away, his face dropping slightly. "Dad?"

"I haven't needed to love."

" _Dad_."

"Don't Dad me young lady." Seren gave him the look she frequently used on Cullen. Her father sighed. "You know, you and your mother mastered that same look? It makes me feel about 10 inches tall every time."

"I sent you that money so you could hire some help!"

"I don't need any love." Seren's brow creased. Again her father sighed. "Fine. I'll admit it's been getting harder recently. But I don't want you to worry. There's some life left in these old bones yet."

"I'm glad!" Seren decided to let it go, not wanting an argument when she'd only just arrived. She forced a grin. "For starters, you still haven't given me the secret family recipe for your famous apple crumble."

"I see you've got your priorities straight."

"Always."

"You cheeky so and so." Mr Pasquet playfully went to clip her round the ear, which Seren dodged, her reflexes still in tune after a childhood full of being told off. They both laughed, as her father pulled her into a hug. "Speaking of food, have you eaten?" Before Seren could reply herself, her stomach rumbled in response. "I'll take that as a no."

* * *

"So tell me, how's the Inquisition looking? Have you knocked them into shape?"

Seren laughed as she passed her father another plate to dry. She was on washing up duty after her father had baked a delicious crumble, which had very rapidly vanished. "I'm trying. Some are unrecognisable from the people they were when they were recruited."

He nodded, wiping down the plate and then placing it on the counter. "What's the Inquisitor like? You hear some pretty amazing stories about her."

"The crazy thing is that the majority of them are true." Seren said, not sure what else there was to say. "I don't know. She's a friend. People have a tendency to put her on a pedestal, which I don't think she really likes. She didn't ask for all this, but she's trying her best to fix it. I have to respect her for that. Plus she's either bloody lucky or bloody talented. Maybe it's a bit of both."

"What will you do when it's all over?"

"I think that's still a while away Dad."

"I know, but you must have thought about it."

Seren shrugged, scrubbing at a stubborn stain. "I guess I'll beg for my old job back. Or at least something in the Guard."

"You'll leave Cullen?"

She paused, unable to look her father in the eye. "He's not mine to leave."

"Seren, my love, I would like grandchildren at some point."

" _Dad_ …" Seren felt her cheeks flame.

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. And I know that Templars don't make any money, but you could do a lot worse than…"

"Cullen's not a Templar anymore Dad."

"Oh?"

"He left the Order to join the Inquisition."

"I see." Mr Pasquet nodded thoughtfully. "Then what's stopping you two?"

"Dad, I… I don't even know if he…  _sees_  me like that."

"Come off it pet. He's been in love with you from day one. And you with him."

" _Dad_ …"

"For Andraste's sake, he hunted you down to join the Inquisition with him!"

"Because he needed someone to help him, someone he could trust!" Seren protested, mentally pleading with her well-meaning father to drop it.

"So you're telling me, Cullen couldn't think of anyone else in all of Thedas that fit that criteria?"

"I'm not having this conversation." Seren said stubbornly.

"That's because you know I'm right." Her father winked, his mischievous green eyes so similar to those Seren saw every day in her own reflection. "I'm proud of you, love. Whatever you choose. I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy. I've met people I wouldn't have otherwise, and some of them have become genuine friends. I've been places I could only have dreamt about if I'd stayed in Denerim."

"You were always looking for your next adventure. You could never sit still. Your mother used to say-"

"I had my head in the clouds." Seren interrupted.

"Exactly. And I swear that boy would have followed you into the Fade if you'd asked him to." Mr Pasquet placed another plate on top of the pile he'd accumulated, before moving them all into an overhead cupboard. "What's that like now the roles have been reversed?"

"He's a good commander. He's really grown into himself. He's confident, composed. The men like him and he's not afraid to get things done." Seren could feel the smile on her face as she talked about Cullen, her cheeks flushing as she spotted her father watching her amusedly. Then her face dropped a little. "But he's been through a lot, and he's not how I remember him."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes and no. Everything that happened to him, has made him into the man he is today. But it came at a great cost. One that he's still paying." She said sadly.

"I'm sure he's glad to have you by his side then."

"I think so. Or at least I hope so."

"When the blight started, I thought that was it, you would be lost forever. I've never been more relieved than the moment your letter arrived telling us you were alive. So when I heard about Haven…" Her father choked up, tears filling his eyes.

Seren quickly wiped her hands on a towel and pulled her father close. "I'm sorry Dad. I really am."

"It's alright love. This is what you always wanted. To be a hero." Mr Pasquet offered her a smile, pulling back and reaching for some cutlery to dry. "I just haven't quite learnt how to deal with that yet."

Seren hesitated.

_It's now or never._

"Dad I want you to come back to Skyhold with me." Seren held up her hand, stopping her father from protesting. "Please just hear me out." Mr Pasquet hesitated, before reluctantly nodded. "I can look after you there, and I have quarters that you can use. Plus there's a garden which I'm sure the Inquisitor would be thrilled to have you help manage. After all you did landscape the entire of Redcliffe Castle's gardens. And it's not too far from here. You can visit. We can visit."

Her father watched her until she finished rambling, saying nothing.

"Dad?"

"You're not going to drop this are you?"

"You know me." Seren smiled.

"Too well." Mr Pasquet sighed. "Fine. But on one condition."

"Anything."

"I will stay here until after the spring's bloom has finished. Then I shall come to this Skyhold."

It wasn't exactly the outcome she had been hoping for, but then again he had agreed without much argument.

_Take what you can get._

"You promise?"

"I promise."

* * *

As the sun began to set, Seren walked down to the lake on the outskirts of Honnleath. She paused at the edge of the grass, her imagination placing a red haired little girl sat next to a blonde haired boy at the end of the deck, both dipping their toes into the crystal water. She could hear them laughing, their secrets flying with the wind, young and carefree, without trouble or responsibility.

" _We're still going to be best friends even when we're old right? Like Mrs Jones old?" The girl asks, turning to the boy._

" _Why wouldn't we be?" His brow crinkles._

" _You're going to be a Templar. What if we lose touch?" The girl drops her head, hiding behind her waist length curls._

_He smiles. "I'll find you again. I'll always find you."_

" _Promise?" The girl holds out her little finger, and the boy links his to hers._

" _Promise."_

With the sky turning vibrantly orange, the sun disappearing beyond the horizon, Seren took a seat where those figments had sat so many years before, content in the final moments of an extremely long day.

* * *

After a restless night's sleep, her mind wandering to the places she refused access to during the day, her father had made breakfast which Seren helped clear away before saddling up Lexi. With her father's agreement, the Lieutenant had quickly grown anxious to return to Skyhold to begin making preparations.

"Promise you'll write when the bloom's over?"

"How many times love?" Seren threw him the look. "Fine, fine. I promise. For the millionth time."

Seren kissed his cheek. "Thank you for humouring me."

"You're welcome. Be safe love."

"I will be. Look after yourself." Seren pulled herself onto Lexi's saddle, as her father held the reins steady.

"Lexi's looking well. Dennet's doing a fine job as usual." Once she was settled, her father handed the reins up to her.

Seren smiled. "I'll see you in a few weeks."

"See you soon. I love you, Seren."

"Love you too Dad." Seren gently applied pressure to Lexi's sides, the mare instantly beginning to trot. Her father stood waving as she rode away, returning to the house only once his daughter had disappeared into the village.

Then from the shadows behind the Chantry, stepped a man with a cruel smile sweeping across his severely bruised and swollen face. With bloodshot eyes, he watched carefully as Seren vanished from sight, before slipping unseen in the direction of her childhood home, revenge fuelling his ruthless heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the start of exam season, I have decided to split this story into two parts. So that's the end of Part One I'm afraid.  
> I have a month of exams now, but I shall begin updating again as soon as they end. Sorry for the hiatus, but I hope you can all forgive me.  
> Forgotten Lives will be back soon :)


	38. Request and Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seren returns to Skyhold...

**Part Two**

_She wept and he swore he felt the water in his bones._

_He then thought to himself:_

" _Maybe, just maybe, we have become each other inside out."_

-  _Christopher Poindexter_

Skyhold rose on the horizon as dusk loomed, the familiar relief of a journey's end tugging at Seren's heart as she rode up the valley. The freezing wind picked up considerably as she'd entered the still snow-topped mountains, but as she pulled her cloak closer, an unexpected smile appeared.

_It's good to be back._

Seren shook her head, her eyes widening at the thought.

_Steady on._

_Let's leave it a few days shall we._

_When you are having to chisel away the ice from your wash bucket each and every bloody morning… and the frosty nights, when you can snap your hair off in chunks…_

But despite all the problems with the fortress' unfortunate location, her smile only grew. Returning to the regimented routine of her life and all the familiar faces was, in that moment, all that she wished for; anything would be better than the week of hell she'd endured.

As her mind slipped to the memories she had attempted to bury, she angrily pushed them away again, refusing to permit herself to feeling any pity.

_It was my own stupid fault._

_Who bloody goes to confront a man like that, not to mention a fucking crow, without a weapon?_

But the worst, the one thought that wouldn't be quietened, was 'y _ou deserved what you got'._

Seren took a deep breath, her smile gone, shifting on Lexi's back uncomfortably.

_It's sorted. You dealt with it. And now, you are back to normality._

At least she hoped she was.

Seren winced at the thought of her Grandmother's chat with Cullen, unsure what to expect. Would he simply ignore it? Or sit her down for a chat about station and inappropriate feelings towards senior officers? Seren groaned, already embarrassed merely by the thought of how that conversation would go.

_Well yes Cullen, I do have feelings for you._

_Since when, you ask?_

_Since I was about 7, I just didn't know what to do with them then._

_I still don't fucking know what to do with them._  She sighed.

_One step at a time, Seren. One fucking step at a time._

She rode through Skyhold's portcullis, heading straight for the stables, already pleased to see the soldiers out in the courtyard running drills. To Seren's relief, there was no sign of the Commander.

The stables were quiet, with none of the stable hands in sight, so Seren began to untack Lexi at her leisure. Undertaking the task had nothing to do with stalling an inevitable conversation, or so she told herself. The idea of seeing Cullen was already giving her butterflies.

Suddenly the door burst open, smacking loudly against the wooden wall, causing Seren to jump and reach for the hilt of her sword, despite knowing the safety of where she was. The last person she expected to come waltzing through, was Dorian.

"Thank the Maker you are back!"

Seren relaxed, exhaling wearily, before adopting a half-hearted smile. "It's good to see you too?"

Dorian slowly moved away from the door, carefully placing his feet so as not to step into anything undesirable that most likely was littering the floor. Reaching the stall doors, he looked like he was about the lean against one, before thinking better of it. Instead Dorian leant against his staff, deliberately far enough away from any interior installations.

He frowned as he glanced around, his nose wrinkling and upper lip curling as he spoke. "You do realize I'm having to  _hide_  from that blasted demon you sent back?"

"I'm sorry, what demon?" She heaved off Lexi's saddle, huffing a little as she dropped it over the stall's door.

"The little blonde thing with the high-pitched, whiny voice."

"You mean Grace?" Seren turned and grinned. "Dorian, she's a child."

"Child, demon." Dorian waved it away with a smile. "You say tomato…"

"I take it you aren't a fan of children then?"

"Oh no, like all Tervinters I love them; when unheard and in someone else's care." Seren laughed as she began to brush her horse down. Dorian's face grew serious. "She won't leave me alone."

"Maybe she likes you?"

From outside came a young girl's voice. "Dory? Where are you, Dory?"

Dorian instantly became like stone, his eyes widening as he whispered "Oh for the love of the Maker."

Seren smirked, enjoying the fact that a six year old could instil such fear into a fully grown man. Plus the nickname tickled her. "Dory?" She asked, an idea suddenly popping into her head.

Dorian glared at her, as if he had read her thoughts. "Don't do it."

Seren smirked.

"Grace,  _Dory_  is in here." Seren said slowly, enjoying every syllable, as the mage desperately searched for another exit or somewhere to hide. There were none.

"Vishante kaffas."

"Language." Seren received another scowl as Grace skipped into the stables.

"My Lady!" The little girl abruptly stopped when she saw Seren, hurriedly reaching for the sides of her skirt and curtsying awkwardly.

"Oh no! It's just Seren, Grace." Seren smiled warmly at the confused little girl. "I'm no lady here."

"You've definitely got that right." Dorian mumbled.

As he spoke, a huge smile appeared on the little girl's face. She positively beamed at him as she said "Dory, I've been looking everywhere for you. You promised me you'd show me magic again!"

"I've already showed you twice." Dorian sighed, running his hand over his face. "Now away with you. Go find some other amusement. Preferable far away from me."

"But… you promised." Grace's large eyes promptly filled with tears, her bottom lip quivering as Dorian's expression changed to one of mild alarm. Seren suppressed her smile.

_The kid's good. Top marks for performance._

_My turn._

Seren left Lexi's stall and knelt down beside Grace, wrapping an arm around the little girl as she assumed a sympathetic expression. "Aww Dory, you don't want to upset this little cherub do you? And you can hardly break a promise!"

Dorian's eyes narrowed, but after a second or two, he sighed. "Fine. Wait for me in the courtyard, your performing monkey will be there forthwith."

"Yay! Thank you Dory." Grace skipped out of the stables, singing to herself as the tears rapidly dried up, a grin appeared in their place.

Dorian groaned, as the Lieutenant got back to her feet and dusted herself off. "She wants to learn magic, you know." Dorian muttered just loud enough for Seren to hear.

"Oh?"

"I have more magic in a fingernail than that child has in her whole body. Have you any idea how difficult that is to explain to a six year old?" Seren walked over to Dorian's side, peering through the stable door to where Grace was now dancing in the yard, a butterfly swooping around her.

"I can only imagine. But we wouldn't want to keep your captive audience waiting now would we? Enjoy!" Seren nudged Dorian out of the door, and reluctantly he went.

* * *

With Lexi finally rubbed down, her nose now plonked in a nosebag full of food, Seren left the stables. Outside, Dorian had attracted quite the crowd, mainly children with the odd parent skirting the edges, as he made spectacular shapes from the flames he summoned.

Grace marvelled at the sight, her little face beaming with excitement. Her expression was mimicked by the rest of the children, who suddenly squealed with delight as Dorian produced a flaming dragon which soared above their heads, before swooping down towards the crowd to dissolve into puff of embers and smoke just before it reached them.

Seren smiled, noting the satisfied look on Dorian's face. He was enjoying it, maybe due to the undivided attention he was receiving but nonetheless, he was enjoying it more than he liked to admit.

The Lieutenant watched for a few more minutes, as Dorian summoned rabbits, great eagles and even a bear at one point, his face soon dripping with perspiration from the concentration it required. Finally accepting that she could no longer put off informing the Commander that she had returned, Seren jogged up the stairs onto the battlements.

At the door to his office, she hesitated.

_It'll be fine._

_Just chill._

_You got this._

Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door slightly and slipped through the gap. Inside the Commander was busily issuing orders to a small group of soldiers, who didn't even turn as she entered. Cullen, however, did.

His eyes flicked in her direction, but he continued speaking as Seren froze like a deer in headlights.

_You got this._

She forced a smile, waved and then gestured that she would come back later. Seren had just inched her boot out of the door when Cullen said loudly, "Lieutenant, please remain where you are."

_Shit._

The other soldiers' heads spun round to look at where Seren was half in, half out of the door. With a false smile and muttered apologies, she slipped back into the room, softly closing it to prevent further disruption.

As Cullen continued, Seren stood self-consciously where he had instructed her to remain. Her heart pounded, as she ran through in her mind all the ways this could go; none of the scenarios ended well.

"That's all." Cullen dismissed the group of soldiers, who then dispersed, and Seren wondered if she could slip away unseen in the middle of them. She didn't attempt it. Cullen was already watching her, his expression not instilling a great deal of hope.

He took a seat on the edge of his desk and opened his mouth, but Seren interrupted with another forced smile. "Well Honnleath was lovely, thank you for asking. And my father has agreed to come to Skyhold!" Cullen once again tried to speak, but Seren sped on, nervously rambling to avoid his wrath. "It was easier than I'd thought it would be. Convincing him, I mean, which was good. Lilly and Grace seem to have settled. Grace is already annoying Dorian, which personally, I think is…"

"Seren stop." The Commander's patience had vanished.

"…hilarious." Seren winced, unable to meet his gaze.

"What in  _Thedas_  do you think you were doing?" He asked flatly.

"Visiting my father…" Seren replied slowly.

"Don't play the fool." His icy tone giving away his rage. "Answer my question."

"That I needed to visit my father and that Lilly needed a healer."

"You went  _ **alone**_."

"I am aware." Seren said quietly, still staring at the floor.

"I sent guards with you for a reason."

"But I'm back and more importantly, in one piece. So it's all fine." Seren glanced up, meeting his gaze for the first time, offering a smile.

"No Seren, it's not." Seren swallowed, determined to keep eye-contact with the man opposite her who was clearly fuming. Cullen's eyes were dark, his jaw set and fists clenched at his sides. "I need to hear what happened."

"Did Taylor not…?"

"I need to hear it from you Seren." Cullen retorted impatiently.

"It's really not going to be that…"

"Lieutenant." Cullen interrupted again, the look he gave her causing Seren to wince under it.

"Okie doke." Seren said weakly. She chose her words carefully, gripping hold of the ladder before continuing, her legs feeling feeble beneath her. "Well, I returned to the estate to find Lilly had been... assaulted by a member of the guard."

Seren paused, glancing up at Cullen.

"Continue." He said impassively.

"So I left her in Brett's capable hands, with Taylor sent to fetch her daughter, Grace. Have you met Grace?"

"Seren, let's try to stay on topic."

"Right, sure. Okay." Seren swallowed. "Well then I went to have a… chat with the guard in question…"

"Unarmed!" Cullen exploded. He was on his feet, and in her space within seconds. "You went  _unarmed_  to talk to a man that had just raped another woman!" He spat, Seren staring at his feet as he loomed above her. "What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't?" She mumbled.

"No. That much is plain to see."

Suddenly, her anger flared. After all the shit she'd been through, this was not the welcome home Seren had been expecting. Seren didn't know what she had expected, but some understanding would have been appreciated. Especially from her so-called best friend.

The Lieutenant glowered at her Commander, glaring daggers. "Are we done?"

"No Lieutenant, we are not done."

"Oh, I think we are."

"Don't you dare walk away."

"Try and stop me." Seren disobediently turned her back on Cullen, marching in the direction of the nearest door, but he reached out and grabbed her wrist before she made it. Seren whipped round, Cullen's hand gripping uncomfortably tightly. "Let. Me. Go."

"I am your commanding officer. You will do as you are told or you will be taken off acting duty. Do I make myself clear?" Cullen shouted, his fury consuming him.

Seren looked up into the eyes of the man she loved, and didn't recognize them. He looked tired, the bags beneath his eyes again prominent and his forehead more deeply lined than usual.

_He's not been sleeping._

_He's been worrying._

The thought knocked the wind out of Seren, her anger dissipating instantly.

_And it's my fault._

"I didn't realise I was unarmed." She said softly, watching his face intently. "At least, I didn't until he had me pinned against a wall." Cullen's features softened, concern immediately replacing the anger. "I was lost in my anger. I wasn't thinking straight. I did something I would never have done." Seren glanced at her wrist, where Cullen's fingers were still digging into her skin. His eyes followed hers.

Like their touch burned, he instantly let go. Having noticed that the skin beneath his grip had turned white, Cullen stumbled back, stunned and disorientated.

"Maker's breath… Seren, I'm sorry." With wide eyes, Cullen studied her face. "Did he…? Maker please tell me he didn't hurt you."

"He was going to." She answered solemnly, his expression breaking her heart. "But I stopped him." Seren smiled weakly, her eyes tearing up despite her best efforts to maintain composure. "Told you I could look after myself."

Without warning, Cullen pulled her close. Secure in his embrace, Seren let the tears escape down her cheeks.

"I swear, I will never let anyone hurt you." He mumbled against her hair.

Seren peered up into his face. "You can't make that promise."

"You just watch me." Cullen smiled, his warm amber eyes sparkling. Delicately, he wiped away the tears from her cheeks with his fingers, his touch sending pulses through Seren's entire body.

Before Seren was ready, Cullen stepped away. He walked over to his desk, searching for a blank piece of vellum and his quill, leaving Seren to sort out her erratic heart alone. "I'll have Leliana's scouts looking for him. He will be punished for all that he's done."

"Cullen I beat him to a pulp. He bled at my feet. He got the message."

"You should have killed him." The Commander said coldly, scribbling a quick message across the page for Leliana.

"A defenceless, unconscious man? Would you?" Seren asked disbelievingly.

Cullen looked up, his gaze level with hers. "If he'd hurt you, then yes."

"But he didn't." Seren protested, though the sentiment made her heart flutter faster.

"Because you stopped him. It wasn't from lack of trying."

"You haven't been sleeping have you?" The question surprised Seren as much as it did Cullen. It had slipped out of its own accord.

Cullen recovered, hurriedly rolling up the message and securing it with a discarded piece of ribbon. "Seren, do you always have to worry about everyone except yourself?"

"Yes." She shrugged. "I'm particularly good at it. It's a talent really." They both smiled at her sarcasm, the tension dissolving.

Cullen walked over to the door and handed the note to one of the guards on duty, whispering hushed instructions before swiftly closing the door again.

"Are you dreaming again?"

"Seren…" He began to protest, but Seren was having none of it.

"Are you?" She pushed.

The Commander sighed, reaching for the back of his neck. "They started when you left."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You had more pressing issues to attend to."

"No issue is too 'pressing' for you not to tell me something. I'm always here for you."

"I know."

Seren frowned. "Are we okay?"

"Yes. We're okay." Cullen said sincerely. "But Lieutenant, I'd prefer it if you would at least follow a few of my orders."

"I'll work on that." She laughed, as the corners of Cullen's mouth curled into a smile.

"Thank you. I think you should know that I managed to find a position for Lilly."

"You did?"

"Yes, it's only kitchen work but it's the best I could do. They have been placed in your quarters for the time being."

"Thank you Cullen. I'm sure she appreciates it." Seren replied gratefully, planning to check on Lilly before resuming her duties for the day. Noting the teapot on the side table by the fireplace, Seren sat down in the armchair and peered into its contents.

"It's fresh." Cullen said, watching her amusedly.

"Excellent. Are you joining me?"

"Well as it's  _my_  tea, I think I shall."

"Good man." Seren grinned at him, as she poured a cup for them both. Shuffling back into her seat, careful not to spill her tea, she asked "Any other news or views?"

"Morrigan came back with the Inquisitor from Halamshiral."

"Morrigan? As in Morrigan? Witch of the wilds, not particularly friendly, wears rather revealing outfits Morrigan?"

"The one and only."

"What the hell was she doing there?"

"Advising the Empress apparently."

"Oh joy. She was such a ray of sunshine." Seren took a sip of tea, wondering what business Morrigan could possibly have with the Inquisition. The Queen had disclosed many secrets to her, several of which regarded her companions during the Blight, including perhaps the largest of them all; the reason why both she and the King had survived. Still, the Queen regarded Morrigan as a close friend, and had been deeply saddened when she'd vanished following the final battle.

Cullen drank from his cup, settling back into his chair. "She's brought her son with her too."

"Holy shit!" Seren choked, coughing after swallowing her tea too quickly.

"Seren?" Confused, Cullen tilted his head to the side.

"I mean… she… uh… has a kid?"

_Nice save dumbass._

Cullen's brow furrowed further, his eyes narrowing. "Something tells me you already knew that."

"I… don't know what you mean."

_Wow you are good at this._

Seren got to her feet, knowing that she'd well and truly dropped herself into this one and there was no getting out of it. "I'd better go and check on Lilly. Thanks for the tea Commander."

"You're welcome Lieutenant." Confused, Cullen watched as Seren dodged out of the door, replaying their conversation in his mind as he wondered what others secrets she was keeping.

* * *

On the battlements, the wind whipped at her hair, only further highlighting the marked contrast between the warmth of Cullen's office and the wonders of the Frostback Mountains. Seren wrapped her cloak more tightly.

Heading towards her quarters, she became lost in her thoughts.

_I'll write to the Queen. She should know Morrigan is here._

_With her child._

_With the_ _**King's** _ _child._

_Holy shit, can things be any more complicated._

"He missed you." Seren jumped at the voice. She spun around, to find Cole sitting crossed legged atop of the wall.

"Andraste's tits!" She clutched at her chest, taking deep breaths to calm her pounding heart.

Undeterred by her outburst, Cole continued. "They're worse without you. He thought he'd lost you." And then the boy was gone.

"Wait what? Cole come back! Cole!" Glancing around, the boy was nowhere to be seen. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry if I upset you before." Cole reappeared behind her, once again causing Seren to virtually jump out of her skin.

"Shit! You need to stop doing that! Are you trying to kill me?" Seren exclaimed.

"No. Why would I want to kill you?" Cole genuinely looked perplexed by the accusation.

_This could be a long conversation._

"That was a joke. Not a great one, I'll admit."

"Oh." For a few seconds, neither spoke, instead they just awkwardly stood looking at each other with nothing to say. Cole spoke first. "I was only trying to help you last time. But Varric and the Inquisitor have told me that reading people's thoughts doesn't always help."

"Oh Cole, it's okay. It's just those memories, the ones you brought up, I'm not particularly proud of."

"Because you didn't know how you felt about him?"

_Shit this got deep._

"Partly, I guess." Seren brow knitted as she attempted to explain, not only to Cole but to herself as well. "I didn't understand. I was just a child."

"You think you were weak."

"Yes."

"I don't think you were." Cole's words surprised Seren, but they were comforting.

"Thank you Cole." She replied genuinely.

"You're welcome." Cole turned and began to walk away, which threw Seren a bit, now so used to watching him just vanish into thin air.

"Cole?"

"Yes?"

"It will get easier you know." Seren smiled. "Being human I mean."

"How do you know?"

"Because you have friends, people that care about you. And it's the kind of thing you pick up."

"What if I make a mistake? People can see me now. They don't forget." Seren could see the concern etched across the boy's features, could see how much he worried about upsetting people. In a way, she could relate.

"Unfortunately, being human is all about putting your foot in your mouth." Cole frowned at the saying, so Seren waved it off and tried again. "You'll understand one day. You may even laugh about it."

"Why?" His expression only twisted more with confusion.

"Because if you don't laugh, you may cry." Cole looked shocked, so Seren gave up. She was only making things worse. "I'm joking Cole. Don't worry, you'll get the hand of my humour eventually. And if not, just nod and smile. That works for a lot of people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exams are now officially over, so I will be uploading again.
> 
> My plan is to update twice a week, but I may add a few chapters more if I have time.
> 
> Please keep commenting! I love reading them and it's the only feedback I get, so I really appreciate them!
> 
> Thank you for your continued support of Forgotten Lives and I hope you enjoy Part Two :)


	39. Surfacing Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Blackwall vanishes...

Cole vanished to his usual haunt in the Herald's Rest, leaving Seren to the task of finding Lilly. She scurried through the courtyard, dodging past the troop who were now cooling down from their drill. Both the men and women alike had damp, reddened faces, which Seren was pleased to see. There was no rest for the wicked after all.

"Seren!" She paused at the sound of her name. Rylen had been leading the squad, but seeing her, he jogged over, momentarily leaving the soldiers to their own devices. Seren watched the group visibly relax as Rylen's attention was taken elsewhere; some even bent over double with fatigue.

"It's good to see you're back!" He shouted just before he reached her. "Cullen's not shut up about how well you looked at that damnable ball. Think he thought you weren't coming back."

Seren raised an eyebrow. "Bullshit."

"Seriously, he's talked non-stop about you. Every sentence starts with your name." He grinned.

"Rylen, you talk such shite sometimes." Seren rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help wonder if it were true, or at least based on truth. Rylen was a notorious wind-up merchant but usually, his material was vaguely based on reality.

Rylen laughed. "Fine, you got me. But he's been in a mighty foul mood since you left. I doubt that's a coincidence."

"Good job I'm back then, right?"

"Just so you know, I'm heading to the Western Approach tomorrow, if he hasn't already informed you."

"Oh?"

"I'm to take command of Griffon Wing Keep."

"Well fuck."  _Cullen kept that quiet._ "I swear if you come back with a bloody tan, I'm going to murder that man. What I'd do for a placement somewhere warm!"

"But there's warm and then there's the Approach. Don't complain too much Seren, you might give him ideas."

"If only."

"Drinks are on me in the Rest tonight. Well first round anyway. Maybe you can convince Cullen to show his face this time."

"I'll try my best. See you there."

With her concentration fixed on Rylen as he darted back to his band of exhausted soldiers, Seren collided with the Inquisitor, whose mind was equally elsewhere.

"Inquisitor! Sorry, I wasn't looking where I was…" Seren stopped mid-sentence. Maegan's eyes were filled with unshed tears, her face twisted with distress. Seren frowned. "Maegan, is everything alright?"

"Blackwall's gone." Maegan murmured, her voice breaking a little as she spoke.

"What do you mean  _gone_?"

"Here." The Inquisitor handed Seren a crumpled piece of vellum, which she'd held in a clenched fist. As Seren began to read, Maegan looked away, biting at her lip as she fought to maintain her composure.

 

_There is little I can say that will ease this pain._

_Just know that while it will hurt to leave, it would've hurt more if I stayed._

_I am deeply sorry._

 

_What the…?_

"What does he mean?" Seren's brow knitted further. It didn't make sense. She thought back to the night of the ball, how they had danced together on the balcony, how in love they had seemed. And now, he'd just upped and left, leaving some hastily scrawled note as his only goodbye?

"I don't know!" Maegan cried. "Everything was fine and then this morning… He was just gone." A disobedient tear ran down her cheek. "I can't do this here. No one must see me like this."

"Right, follow me." Seren took her arm and essentially dragged the Inquisitor into the barracks. When they entered, there'd been several soldiers playing cards in the corner, another reading and the last assumedly writing a letter to his loved ones. But when their aggravated Lieutenant appeared and ordered them to leave with a simple but firm 'Out', not one hesitated.

Seren sat Maegan down in a chair by the fire, then fished a clean handkerchief out of the linen closet. She handed it to the Inquisitor, who dutifully dabbed at her eyes.

"Maker, I'm being ridiculous." Maegan played with the edges of the handkerchief, tugging at the greying material, her head bowed as fresh tears dripped from her cheeks.

"You're not being ridiculous at all. Far from it." Maegan glanced up with bleary eyes, which were now puffy from crying.

"Thank you for saying that, but I know I am. I just don't understand."

"Did you two… argue?"

"No! Nothing like that." Seren watched the Inquisitor blush, which in her experience was never a good sign. "We… erm… well, we spent the night together."

"Oh." Seren said, wishing she'd not asked as she desperately attempted to keep her facial expression neutral. Unsuccessfully.

"Please don't judge me Seren."

"Not judging! Maker balls, who am I to judge anyone? I just… I'm not great on the whole girl talk thing… Male best friend, essentially male occupation, no female siblings… I never really had much practice. But what I am good at is my job, or at least I tell myself that." She joked, but when Maegan didn't react, Seren sped on. "I've helped find people in the past. Plus with the resources you've got shoved up your…um… sleeve, we'll find him in no time."

"What if he doesn't want to be found? He left…" Seren heard the silent ' _me_ ' that Maegan couldn't bring herself to say. "He left for a reason."

"But he left a note. There must be a reason for that."

"To say goodbye." The Inquisitor choked on the final word, and though Seren knew she had a point, it didn't feel right. Something else was going on here, she was sure.

"Don't give up. Not yet. We'll get to the bottom of this. Have you any idea where he might have been heading? Anything he's said to you, places, people he's mentioned?"

"I think he's gone to Val Royeaux."

"Why there?"

"I don't know, but hidden in his loft, he had a stolen report regarding an execution taking place there."

 _An execution?_ Seren's mind ticked over the possibilities.

_Right of Conscription maybe?_

_An old friend perhaps?_

_Or there's more to Blackwall than we thought, something we've missed…_

Seren stopped.

_Something Leliana knows._

If there was something to be known, the spy-master would know it. But one question had Seren puzzled.

_If there were such a secret, why keep it quiet?_

"Then Val Royeaux it is. I'll have a word with Leliana. We'll need her to check in with her network, see if they've heard anything or seen any sign of him." It was unlikely, Seren knew, seeing as Blackwall would most likely know how to avoid Leliana's scouts, but still worth a try. "You speak to Josephine, she may know something more about this execution."

"You think we can catch him?" Seren watched as the hope slipped back into the Inquisitor's eyes, the hint of a smile reappearing on her lips.

"I think we can try. But we need to get moving." Seren said firmly, but with a smile.

Maegan sniffed, wiping her eyes for a final time as she got to her feet. "You're right. There's no point just sitting here." She said determinedly.

"That's the spirit. I'll get Dennet to sort the horses too. Collect what you need and we'll go."

"You should let Cullen know you are leaving."

_Oh shit._

_That's going to go down like a lead balloon._

Maegan mistook Seren's reluctance. "You don't have to come… "

"No! No, it's just…" Seren lost the end of her sentence, the words escaping her.

"He's not been well." Maegan finished diplomatically.

"Exactly." Seren forced a smile. "It'll be fine. It's only a few more days." The Lieutenant headed for the door, with Maegan at her side.

"Seren?" Maegan said as they reached it. Seren hesitated. "Thank you for this. I'm not sure the others would understand. I can see why the Queen was so fond of you now. "

Seren smiled. "Let's go find Blackwall."

* * *

"I'm coming with you."

Seren pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling the beginnings of a headache throbbing beneath her skull. "Okay, that's  _really_  not necessary."

After parting from the Inquisitor, Seren had ventured up the tower in search of the spy-master who was conveniently missing when she'd reached the top. Seren checked the war room, the chantry, even the bathhouse but found no trace of her, so she gave up. Seren's gut told her Leliana deliberately didn't want to be found, so hunting any further would merely be a waste of time.

Her next stop was the kitchens, but as Lilly was running an errand for the cook, the Lieutenant was forced to leave instructions for the maid to visit Cullen's office as soon as she returned. However, Seren had doubts that the message would actually reach Lilly, seeing as the cook was less than pleased to be a messenger.

Visiting Master Dennet had been more of a success, but he was never likely to argue, seeing as it was at the Inquisitor's request. So the last stop was Cullen's office. And their conversation was already going swimmingly.

"Blackwall would not have left without good reason. And I for one, wish to know what that reason is." Cullen said resolutely, already at his desk writing orders for Rylen to remain at Skyhold for a few more days, so both he and Seren could escort the Inquisitor to Val Royeaux.

"So it's for personal curiosity then?"

"I...No! Of course not." Cullen exclaimed, clearly embarrassed that his words had been taken in such a way.

"Don't strain yourself, I'm joking." Seren sighed.

_One day, this job will be straight forward._

"Do you not want me to come?" Watching her, he kept his tone neutral but he was betrayed by his eyes.

"No! Maker, that's not it at all. For starters, you're the Commander so I don't think I could stop you even if I wanted to. I mean possibly, if you were a good sport and let me get in the first blow…" Seren smirked, and Cullen bemusedly shook his head at her. "I just don't want you to… overdo it." She said tentatively.

"Seren, you need to stop worrying." She gave him one of her signature looks.

"I will. When I'm dead." Cullen winced, but Seren just shrugged it off. "If you feel like you need to come, then fine. The more the merrier right?"

There was a muffled knock.

"Come in." Both Seren and Cullen shouted at once, sharing an amused look for having spoken in harmony. Hesitantly, Lilly edged her way into the office. Seren was pleasantly surprised that the cook had kept her word in the end.

"You asked to see me Lieutenant?"

"I just wanted to check up on you Lilly. I believe you've met the Commander."

"Yes Lieutenant. Commander." Lilly curtsied at Cullen, who blushed at the formality.

_Nice to know it's not just me who does that._

"Pleased to see you again Miss Lilly." Cullen turned back to his papers, trying to hide his blush by busily finishing the notes he'd been writing.

"How's everything going?" Seren gestured to one of the chairs by the fire, which Lilly politely occupied.

"Well, thank you Lieutenant. I am enjoying the work the Commander kindly found for me."

"I'm glad." Cullen said as he glanced up, smiling, before continuing writing.

"I saw Grace earlier. She seems settled." Seren said, pleased to see a genuine smile soften Lilly's nervous features.

"Oh yes! She loves it here. The mage, Dorian?" Seren nodded, causing Lilly's smile to grow. "He's ever so sweet with her. I've never seen her so happy."

"Dorian's…" Seren searched for a way to describe him, and couldn't find the words. "Well Dorian. He's pretty unique."

"Well thank you, lovely Lieutenant! I had no idea you found me  _pretty_." With Grace in tow, Dorian had appeared at the door, a devilish grin plastered on his face.

_Speak of the devil._

_Freaking typical._

"If I thought you were pretty, there would have been an 'and' in there Dorian. Or at least a pause."

"Ah I see." Dorian theatrically covered Grace's ears, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Saving the dirty talk for when little ears are absent. Most sensible." He winked at Seren, who exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. Both missed the baffled look that appeared on Cullen's face.

Joking aside, Dorian turned to Lilly, steering Grace in the direction of her mother. "Yours I believe." He deposited the child in the remaining seat by the fire, and spun on his heels, the hem of his robe billowing out behind. "Maker, I need a drink." He murmured at Seren, who patted him on the back as he stalked past.

"Thank you Dory." Grace said, her little voice drawing everyone's attention.

Dorian stopped dead in his tracks. Without turning around, he muttered, "You're welcome Gracie." And then he was gone.


	40. Lying in Tormented Slumber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the search for Blackwall...

In the end, half of Skyhold seemed to be accompanying the Inquisitor in her search for Blackwall.

Of course, that's an exaggeration but to Seren, it felt pretty darn close.

Iron Bull, Dorian and Sera had all insisted on travelling with Maegan. Seren was convinced the only reason Dorian had come along was to get away from Grace, which made her smile. She wasn't finished teasing him about that just yet.

The ambassador joined them too, believing that her 'presence may be required'. The sentiment sat funny with Seren; it felt as if certain people knew more than they were letting on. Perhaps not a lot more but at this point, any information would a help. Upon leaving, there'd still been no sight nor sound of the spymaster, but her network had been informed and ensured they would be on the lookout for Blackwall.

So finally, with Krem, Stitches and Grim also in tow, the merry band had set off.

By nightfall, they'd made reasonable progress and would have made more, had the ambassador not requested that they call it a day. Unused to the long rides, Seren had to wonder why Josephine had demanded to come at all. But she had, and grudgingly they found an inn deemed suitable.

The only issue was, with such short notice, there were a limited number of rooms. In the hall, Maegan quickly set about organising them and handing out respective keys.

"Dorian with Bull, as requested." She handed two keys to Iron Bull, with a knowing smile. "The other is for Krem, Stitches and Grim. They'll have to rough it together I'm afraid."

"No problem, Boss." Bull boomed, as he headed off to find Krem.

"Sera, you'll share with me and Josie. And that leaves one room." Maegan glanced at the Commander and his Lieutenant, almost apologetically. "I'll let you sort that out between yourselves. See you all at dawn. Goodnight." Maegan turned, and marched down the hall, vanishing into her room.

Before disappearing after Bull, Dorian smirked and winked at Seren. She just stared impassively back, trying to keep her cool.

Glancing at Cullen, she saw that's his cheeks were a little flushed.

Or maybe they weren't.

_It's the lights._

_Plus it's a little warm…_

* * *

"I'll sleep on the floor." Cullen said, looking around the small room. There was enough room for a double bed, a fireplace, an armour stand and lastly, a set of drawers which was rammed up against the wall with the window above. But with the addition of Seren and Cullen, both carrying their packs in hand, it became a tad difficult to manoeuvre.

"No, it's fine. I'm used to it." Seren dropped her pack on the bed, starting to unbuckle her bedroll from the bottom.

"Seren, I insist." Cullen placed his hand over hers. Seren looked at him, noting the dark circles beneath his eyes, but he was decided. There would be no persuading him now.

Seren sighed. "Fine. But your armour's going on the stand. No arguments. Can't have the Commander of the Inquisition's armour all dented, can we?" Cullen smiled, and unrolled his bed on the floor.

"I'd better go check the rotation for the night. It'll give you time… to get sorted." Cullen's cheeks flushed a little, and Seren clenched her jaw to restrain her smile.

_What does he think I'm going to be doing?_

_Dancing around stark naked?_

"Thanks?"

When he was gone, Seren stripped off her armour and dropped it in the corner beside the drawers, placing her pack on top. She splashed a little water on her face and retied her hair, before undoing it again and allowing it to hang loose on her shoulders. Her scalp ached after having her hair tied back all day.

Seren flopped down onto the bed, disturbing the neatly tucked in sheets as she did so. She was exhausted, but her mind was racing. Going back to her routine had been the plan, to return to the familiar, and yet here she was, traipsing across Orlais again. Obviously for a good cause, but it felt like too much, too soon to the weary lieutenant.

After a few moments dwelling, which felt too long for her liking, Seren rolled off the bed and left in search of Cullen. She found him stood with his arms folded, leaning casually against a wooden cross-beam extending from floor to ceiling, intently watching a game of Wicked Grace between Dorian, Sera, Bull and Krem. Grim was taking first watch, a precaution considered necessary with the ambassador's presence; the attempts already made on Josephine's life still fresh in the Inquisitor's mind.

"Lovely Lieutenant! Surely you will join us in a game? Our charming Commander is refusing." Dorian pouted at him.

Seren raised her eyebrows at Cullen, who smiled and simply said, "Not my game."

Relieved by the distraction, she said, "Sure, deal me in."

* * *

"Sera, you sure you aren't cheating?" Iron Bull studied her closely, asking the question everyone at the table was thinking.

"Yeah. Wouldn't be very sportyman-whatdoyacallit of me would it?" Sera dragged her winnings towards her, for the fourth consecutive time, a massive grin glued to her face.

"Hmph." Bull got to his feet and headed in the direction of the bar, while Krem reshuffled the deck.

"Another?" He asked, glancing at the other three.

"I'm game." Dorian answered. "But watch those hands Sera."

"Pfft, watch yours Dorian. Or maybe it'd be better to watch your purse." Sera waggled her tongue at him, which Dorian met with false disgust.

"I think I'll head to bed." Seren smiled at Krem, and stood. Cullen had vanished over half an hour ago, and Seren just hoped he hadn't already fallen asleep. Negotiating a path over his unconscious body, without waking him or worse tripping over him, was a recipe for disaster. "Night everyone."

The group answered with a chorus of "Night." and Seren walked up to her room, leaving them to another game which again, Sera dubiously won.

Seren knocked softly on their door and Cullen opened it almost immediately.

"Any luck?"

"Nah. Sera's got a 'knack' for that game."

"A suspiciously developed one I noticed." Cullen's mouth curled into a smile. Out of his armour, dressed casually in a shirt and breeches, he looked relaxed for the first time in a long while. His off-white shirt hung loose at the top, bearing a patch of smooth chest. Seren's eyes voluntarily began to wander, along his cleanly shaven jaw, across his chest, down to his…

_Seriously?_ She pushed those thoughts away, hating herself for even allowing her mind to wander like that. She could already feel the flush on her cheeks.

_Subject change, subject change…_

Seren eyed his bedroll on the uneven wooden floor, and frowned. "Are you sure about the floor? I really don't mind-"

"Seren." Cullen said warningly, but with a smile.

"Fine!" She held up her hands. "Forget I spoke."

_Bloody stubborn, stupidly wonderful man…_

* * *

Seren lay flat on her back, glaring into the darkness. For the last hour, she'd been listening to Cullen toss and turn as he tried to get comfortable, fully aware he was still as wide awake as she was. With every turn, a floorboard would creak awfully beneath him and it was grating on Seren's nerves.

"Maker's balls, will you just get in? You'll bugger your back in a minute." Seren shuffled to one side of the bed, careful not to drag all the covers with her.

Cullen rolled onto his back, glancing in her direction. "I'm fine."

"Cullen Stanton Rutherford, for the love of Andraste-" Seren snapped.

"Alright, alright!" She heard him moving, edging around the bed in the dark, then felt as he lay down beside her, the mattress sinking as he did.

"Just don't snore." Seren kept her tone level, despite her teasing.

"As long as you don't either." She heard the smile in his voice.

"That's not funny."

"Goodnight Seren."

"Night." Smiling, Seren let her eyes drift shut.

* * *

" _Seren?"_

_She turned at the voice, searching between the trees for its owner, but the sun that streamed through the branches was too bright, blindingly so. Seren shielded her eyes with one hand, rotating on the spot as she wondered who was calling to her._

" _Where are you, Seren?" She couldn't find her voice to respond, so she headed in what she hoped was the right direction. Scanning the forest for any sign of life as she walked, Seren eventually stumbled across a path._

_She felt a hand grasp hers._

" _There you are." Cullen smiled at her, relief softening his worried features. But he was a boy again, and from the reflection in his eyes, Seren could see the mess of tangled auburn curls and large green eyes that belonged to her former self. "I found something. Come on!"_

_He tugged on her hand, dragging her towards the light. He beamed at her, and she giggled as they ran along the path together._

_But just as they reached the clearing, the sunlight vanished. And so did Cullen._

" _Cullen? Where did you go, stupid?" Seren glanced around, but he was nowhere to be found. The clearing before her was a wasteland, grey and twisted. The trees were dead, and the sky was empty. The forest was gone. Nervously, she swallowed. "Cullen?"_

_Then from behind, someone bumped into her. Seren stumbled forward, only just keeping her footing. She glanced up, recognising the person scowling at her._

" _Lilly?"_

" _Look what you've done." She spat, her cheeks damp with tears. "I should never have trusted you."_

" _Wait, Lilly! What happened?"_

_The maid didn't turn back, just kept running, so Seren followed her, calling out all the while. But she couldn't catch her._

" _Lilly! Please stop! Lilly!"_

_A little ahead, Lilly sank to the ground and wailed, the sound filled with unspeakable anguish._

" _Lilly?"_

_The maid's head whipped round, and Seren saw she was cradling a head of long blonde curls._

_Grace's long blonde curls._

Not possible.

This can't be happening.

" _He killed her. Because of_ _ **you**_ _!" Lilly screamed, glaring at the dumbfounded Lieutenant. Seren gasped, feeling the tears in her eyes and the ache in her throat._

This can't be real.

" _No. I saved you both. I saved you…" Seren stepped forward, saw the little girl's dead eyes staring into the Heavens, her neck slit open and crusted with drying blood. "No, I saved you. No-"_

_A hand wrapped around her neck, a blade held to her throat in the other._

" _But yes." Whispered a voice in her ear, his putrid breath warm against her cheek. Her blood ran cold, her fear freezing her mind and body. "And now, it's your turn bitch."_

_She felt the blade slice her skin; the last sound was her scream._

Seren jolted awake, breathing hard and clutching at her neck. A hand brushed her shoulder, and she jerked away, slipping over the side of the bed with a thud.

"Seren? Are you alright?" A shadow loomed over the edge of the bed, peering down to where she had fallen. It took her a moment to remember that the shadow was Cullen.

Seren wiped away the tears that traced her cheeks, clearing her throat. "Fine. I just need to clear my head." She scrambled to her feet, searching for her boots in the dark. When she couldn't find them instantly, she gave up and left the room with bare feet.

With a quick 'I'm fine' nod to Krem, who had taken over the watch, Seren dodged outside, gulping in the cool night air. She stooped down, taking a seat on the wooden steps leading into the inn, combing one hand through her hair as she rubbed her neck with the other. She'd no idea Cullen had followed her out, until the door banged behind her.

"Seren?" He asked tentatively, cautiously taking a seat beside her. Seren couldn't face him, already feeling the tears burning in her eyes.

"I'm fine. You should go back inside." Seren fought to keep her voice steady, but her words came out brittle and forced.

"I will. Once I've made sure you're alright." Cullen said quietly. "Whatever it was, it was just a dream."

"Can we not?" She barked, instantly regretting her tone. Seren sighed, still rubbing at her throat. In little more than a whisper she said, "I don't want to talk about it.

She felt Cullen shuffling as he settling onto the step, but for a while he said nothing.

"It's a beautiful night. You can see Fenrir." The sudden shift in conversation made Seren glance at him. Cullen met her gaze with a gentle smile. "See? And Equinor." He pointed at the stars that dotted the sky, directing Seren's teary gaze to her two favourite constellations.

_He remembered._

"You've been studying." Seren sniffed, thinking back to the night they'd lay beneath the stars together so many years ago, thinking of how he'd floundered when asked to point out even the obvious constellations.

"Only a little." Cullen admitted, with a lopsided grin. "A conversation with friend made me appreciate them more."

She gave him a look. "You wanted to show off, you mean."

"Maybe." He paused, then said, "Is it working?"

Seren laughed, and Cullen's grin widened. She looked at him seriously, wondering what she would do without the man sat beside her; wondering what her life would have been like if she'd stayed in Denerim; knowing that despite everything, there was no place she would rather be.

"Thank you." She said earnestly, watching as his brow furrowed slightly.

"For what?"

She leant her head against his shoulder, taking large calming breaths, breathing in his smell. "Being you."

After a short delay, Cullen carefully wrapped his arm around her and drew her closer. "You're welcome."


	41. Judge, Jury and Executioner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Blackwall's secret is revealed...

_It would be fucking raining._

Seren tugged the hood of her cloak up, cursing the trapped, humid air of the marketplace. With Iron Bull, Dorian and Sera keeping tabs on the Inquisitor, and the Chargers watching over Josephine, it was left to Seren and Cullen to search for Blackwall. Seren could just see his curls on the other side of the Bizaar, bobbing through the dense crowd that had morbidly gathered to watch the execution of one Lieutenant Cyril Mornay.

_Blackwall must know this man._

_It's got to be Conscription._

_It has to be._

"Excuse me. Official Inquisition business, please stand aside." When nobody moved, Seren sighed and pushed her way through the people, scanning the faces of those in proximity, but none belonged to Blackwall.

Across the market Cullen caught her eye, and shook his head.  _Still no sign._

_Well shit._

The humdrum of ordinary conversations, marked by the odd cough or sneeze, ceased as Mornay's charges were read by the bailiff.

_Holy shit, children too?_ The enthralled crowd gasped at the extent of the man's crimes, before the rather animated heckling began. After hearing the charges for herself, not all of it sounded so inaccurate either.

_Blackwall better know what he's doing._

As the noose was placed around Mornay's neck, knowing that time was running short, Seren spun slowly on the spot. Her gaze leapt from face to face, examining every person with a keen eye. And then someone moved.

Glimpsing Blackwall out of the corner of her eye, she made a beeline in his direction without a second's hesitation, but there were too many people. Cullen, having seen Seren begin to move again, began his own slow procession towards Blackwall, but he was even further away.

"Move!" She shouted, but no one was listening, instead all angrily yelling at the man whose life would shortly be over; all except Blackwall, who turned at the familiar voice.

Recognising Seren, Blackwall held up his hand, gesturing for her to stop with a blank expression set into his features. Seren frowned, but came to a halt on the edge of the crowd.

_Something's wrong._  Seren watched as he turned away, recognised the dead look in his eyes; the look of a man who's lost, or about to lose everything. It was the same vacant gaze she'd seen etched across the faces of so many during the Blight, especially during those last few days.

"Proceed." The bailiff nodded to the executioner, who stepped forward almost eagerly.

The crowd was at its crescendo as Blackwall approached the stage, before another gasp as he shouted "Stop!"

"What is he doing?" Cullen hissed in her ear after he finally reached her side.

"I could take a guess." Together, as the rain pounded down around them, they watched as Blackwall admitted the secret he had harboured for so many years; Warden Blackwall was long dead and the Blackwall they all knew, the man who had aided the Inquisition, was an imposter. They watched as the guards led away Thom Rainier in shackles, though his own gaze never left the Inquisitor's stunned, crestfallen expression.

Dazed, Seren muttered, "That wasn't one of my guesses."

* * *

The Summer Bizaar emptied out at an impressive speed, partly a result of the weather, partly due to the cancellation of their afternoon's entertainment. Seren watched as the Inquisitor approached the bailiff, trying to work out how they had all missed something this big.

"Did you have any idea?" Cullen asked, his brow deeply creased.

"That Blackwall wasn't Blackwall at all but rather a murderer who slaughtered not only his target but his target's family as well? Can't say I saw that coming, no."

Cullen frowned at her. "Do you really think that's appropriate in this situation?"

"Sorry, defence mechanism." Seren said apologetically. "This one's… thrown me a little."

The Inquisitor ended her conversation with the bailiff, and strode in their direction. From her blank expression, Seren couldn't make out whether Maegan was more pissed or upset; not until she was up close, did Seren know the answer.

"They've taken Black…" A pained expression flickered across Maegan's face at her mistake, before her features hardened again. Decisively, she said, "Rainier has been taken to the jail off the marketplace. I need to talk to him."

"I'm sure that can be arranged." Cullen said, nodding once. Maegan spun on her heels, and the Commander obediently trailed after her as she headed for the jail. Having nowhere else to go, Seren followed behind, only to be bumped into by a young woman crossing her path. Rather deliberately.

Seren's hand reached for her sword but as the woman turned, Seren could almost recognise the face.

"Lieutenant Pasquet?" The woman asked, although she phrased it more like a statement than a question.

"Who's asking?"

"Nightingale sends her regards." The woman stuffed a folded piece of vellum into Seren's hand, and scurried off, disappearing down one of the many alleyways.

_Took her bloody long enough._

Seren buried the page away from the rain beneath her cloak, heading into the jail. Inside, Maegan had already disappeared into the holding cells to speak with Rainier, leaving Cullen waiting with a guard in the meantime. Seren lowered her hood, shaking off a little by the door.

"We've got a gift from Leliana." She said to Cullen, extracting the report.

"What is it?"

"Probably what we needed a few days ago." Seren unfolded the page, squinting at the words in the undeniably poor light. She glanced at the unlit candles on the table. "Hey," Seren said to the guard. "You got a match?" The guard didn't move, and she sighed irritably. "Please?"

Reluctantly, the guard stepped forward and lit one of the candles for her, to which Seren muttered her thanks.

In the candle's faint glow, she and Cullen scanned through the spymaster's report on Rainier. They read how a respected Captain had been turned and then tasked with killing a nobleman, before betraying the loyal men who served him by running and leaving them to take his punishment.

"Holy shit."Seren covered her mouth, realising she'd spoken aloud as Cullen stepped back and ran a hand through his hair.

"Maker's breath." For a moment, they stood staring at each other's shocked expressions, both trying to process what they'd just read about the man they had considered an ally, a friend even.

"So, she's known this for  _how_  long? Since he joined us?" Seren's tone was filled with unrestrained anger.

"Seren-" Cullen started.

"Cullen, she's fucking known this whole time and didn't say a word!" She exasperatedly interrupted.

"Leliana might not have known Blackwall  _was_  Rainier."

"Bullshit! I'm sorry but I'm calling bullshit. That woman knows everything." Seren said bitterly. She ran her hand over her face, feeling the beginnings of a headache. "Couldn't she have told the Inquisitor? Didn't she, at least, deserve to know?"

"I don't know Seren. But Leliana cannot be blamed for this mess."

_I don't know about that, she's got her fingers in enough bloody pies._

"Fine." Seren sighed, frowning at the door leading to the cells. "One question."

"Go ahead."

"Does this seem right? I mean, reading that report… that man was a monster. What he did, is sickening. But I don't know. I can't picture not-Blackwall, Rainier, whatever- the person  _we_  know, doing that. Can you?"

Cullen studied her, carefully thinking through his answer before replying. "No." He admitted eventually. "But that doesn't excuse what he's done."

The Lieutenant sighed, rocking back on her heels to lean against the wall. "I know." She closed her eyes, suddenly extremely tired. She began to wonder if things would ever return to normal, or if they were all on a shitty slope that was just going to get even shittier.

The door to the cells banged, and Seren's eyes snapped open. Maegan had reappeared, her face white and expression lost. Cullen began to fill her in, providing a summarized version of the spymaster's report. Seren remained silent, watching as Maegan sank deeper.

"Black…Rainier has accepted his fate, but you don't have to. We have resources. If he's released to us, you may pass judgement on him yourself." The Commander said matter-of-factly, though his remorse was clear.

"If it were up to you, what would happen?" Maegan stared at him impassively as Cullen began his answer, her jaw clenching as she endeavoured to maintain composure.

"…And the moment he shakes off his past, he turns around and owns up to it. Why?"

"He did it for me." Maegan said quietly.

"Then only you can decide if he succeeded." Cullen finished.

The Inquisitor nodded before turning to Seren, her eyes filling with tears. "And you?"

"I…" Seren didn't know where to start. What advice could she possibly give? She glanced at Cullen, questioning what she would do if it were him. And then her answer was obvious.

"If you love him, then fight for him. You'll only regret letting him go. The man I see in there, the man we have got to know, bears no resemblance to the man that committed those crimes. People do change." Again, Seren glanced at Cullen, locking her gaze to his familiar, warm amber eyes. "But trust me; nothing hurts more than letting someone you are in love with slip out of your life. Those scars never heal."

Seren tore her eyes away, and forced a smile. "But ultimately, it's your decision."

Maegan nodded slowly, glancing between the Commander and his second. In a controlled tone, she said, "Have Rainier released to us."

* * *

With the decision made, Cullen and Josephine began the arduous task of negotiating Blackwall's release. At the Inquisitor's request, Seren stepped outside with her for a few moments. Thankfully the rain had stopped, but the streets were still damp, and the air was more humid than ever.

Having walked in silence for a way, ensuring enough distance, Maegan turned to Seren. "You should tell him how you feel."

"Who?" The Inquisitor raised a delicate eyebrow at Seren's denial, her lips curling a little for the first time that day.

_Oh I'm buggered._

"Ah. That obvious huh?"

"Something like that." Maegan smiled, directing them back the way they came.

"I wouldn't know where to start." Seren replied genuinely, keeping her head down. "Plus it's not really appropriate."

"I think I could make allowances." Maegan laughed at Seren's sceptical expression. "I'm having the man I love released from jail Seren, while Corypheus is still trying to rip the world apart. A relationship between my Commander and his second would hardly be my biggest cause for concern."

"Point taken."

"Tell him. But that's just my advice." Cullen appeared in the doorway, approaching when he saw them.

"Inquisitor, Lady Montilyet has asked for you."

"No problem." Maegan smiled one more time at Seren, then vanished back inside.

"Fun and games?" Seren asked quickly before Cullen could disappear too.

He hesitated. "As you would expect."

"Who would have thought getting a criminal out of jail would be so difficult? Has Josephine tried bribery yet?" Seren teased, watching as Cullen tried to hide his amusement.

"Seren." He scolded, unable to stop the corners of his mouth from curling.

"I'm not apologising for that one."

"Why am I not surprised?" He smiled, before his face became serious once more. "Everything you said in there…"

"Yes?" Seren could feel the colour rising in her cheeks as her blood pulsed with adrenaline, her heart beating at double pace.

"Did you mean it?" He asked timidly, his eyes searching hers.

"Every word." Seren felt as if they were heading for unfamiliar territory, each word a step in a direction that made her stomach somersault and her throat dry a little more.

Cullen opened his mouth, his lips beginning to form a word.  _Who…_  Then, having changed his mind he asked, "What if he hasn't changed?"

Seren felt an unexpected twinge of disappointment.

"Sometimes loving someone means giving them the benefit of the doubt. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has their faults. She's a big girl, she has to make her own decisions." Seren shrugged. "Whatever happens, she's got a rather intimating group of friends that would come down on him like a sack of lead-plated potatoes, so I think she'll be fine."

"You really have a way with words." He smirked at her.

Seren gave him a look. "You know what I mean. If he sticks one toe out of line, he'd be a dead man. But I don't think he will. He loves her. She was right."

"About what?"

"He did all this for her."

At the moment, Maegan's head reappeared around the door. "Commander, are you coming?"

"Yes, sorry Inquisitor." Apologetically he nodded to Seren, leaving her to explore Val Royeaux alone.

* * *

By sunset, Seren had had her fill of the Bizaar, of the entirety of Val Royeaux in truth. Dorian, Sera, Iron Bull and his chargers were busily installed in a tavern enjoying the city's unique varieties of ale, but Seren couldn't face it. Instead she found herself down by the docks, enjoying the sea air as the day slipped into night.

The day's humidity was finally abating, driven off by a gentle evening breeze, as she watched the waves break under an orange sky. On the horizon, Seren was pleased to see the pink tinge tinting the clouds.

_Red sky at night, Shepard's delight._  Seren could almost hear her father's voice like he was stood beside her. She smiled to herself, thinking of the evenings she'd sat with her parents watching the sunsets in the summertime. She remembered the hum of the bugs, the mixed scents of the garden and the pleasant warmth on her skin after a day of unbearable heat.

But before long, her mind stumbled onto her conversation with Maegan. Seren nervously chewed at her bottom lip. Everyone knew. Seren was convinced there could be no one left in Skyhold who didn't. But he was her best friend, her commanding officer. Things were complicated enough.

_And surely there are lines that shouldn't be crossed?_

She thought of the night before, how he'd held her as she cried, how he'd comforted her. At the ball, he'd told her she was beautiful. Her heart fluttered just thinking about it.

' _I don't know what I'd do without you.'_ The words he'd said when she'd found him praying away his withdrawal in the early hours. Wasn't that confirmation of his feelings?

For the first time, Seren actually wished Cole was around to read some minds.  _Well, one mind in particular…_

The sound of advancing footsteps stole her from her thoughts. Seren turned, to find Cullen smiling warmly at her; that perfect, carefree smile she'd seen so rarely since his withdrawal had taken a turn for the worse.

"There you are. I was about to send out a search party." He said as he reached her, his eyes scanning the bay. "It's been a long day."

"You can say that again."

"Josephine is finalising Black… Rainier's release. We should be able to leave by morning."

Seren nodded, staring at the floor.  _It's now or never._

_What's the worst that can happen?_

_Let's not think about that._

"Cullen?" Her voice was tight, and his name sounded all strangled.

"Yes?" He asked, watching her intently, the faint lines across his forehead deepening marginally.

"Earlier, you were going to ask something and then… you just didn't." She swallowed nervously, mentally reassuring herself that it needed to be said. "But the answer is yes. I was talking about you."

Making sure he didn't have chance to reply, Seren fled, unsure whether that was the bravest or stupidest thing she had ever done.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like it's been a while since I thanked you all for your support :) You are awesome!


	42. Unbeknownst to Thee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some things are finally cleared up...

"Seren?" She heard him shout her name but refused to turn, unwilling to be reprimanded for her unwelcome and unreciprocated feelings. Instead her feet carried her through the maze of damp, cobbled streets leading off the Bazaar, without sense of direction nor destination.  _"Seren_ !"

_What have I done?_

_I'll be forced to resign, to run back to Denerim with my tail between my legs, to beg for a job in the guard._

_When will I learn to just keep my mouth shut?_

Silently, the preying evening shadows consumed the final remnants of daylight, as clouds were busily forming overhead, the winds having dragged them in from across the bay, while the air buzzed with static. Seren hurried down empty streets into looming darkness, her mind spinning with the rush of thoughts, obscuring the beating footsteps that had once been close at her heels. Her lungs burned as she hastened into full sprint, her heart pounding in her ears and legs protesting with the additional weight of her heavy armour, but she didn't stop, the pulsing adrenaline carrying her forward.

_But what if he does feel the same?_

The stray thought caught Seren off guard. She hesitated to risk a nervous glance over her shoulder, readily anticipating the sympathetic and embarrassed expression he'd wear as he caught up to her.

But Cullen wasn't there.

_There is no 'what if'._

In the shadows, staring back the way she'd come, Seren's heart shattered with the realisation that the man she loved hadn't followed at all.

_What was I even thinking?_

_He wasn't ever going to chase me._

_He could have any girl in the world._

_Any._

Seren caught her reflection in a puddle of murky rainwater, noting the scrunched eyes and too large nose her Grandmother had so affectionately pointed out. She saw the limp curls that lifelessly framed her face, escaping from the careless bun she always imprisoned her untameable locks into.

Seren glanced at her armour, the customary uniform of every Inquisition soldier, the conventional clothing that a true lady wouldn't be caught dead in. She saw the sword hanging by her hip, examined the scars across her hands that marked the years of using such a weapon, thought of the scars that scored her body. She was a soldier, just one among many, dispensable and easily replaced.

The couple of doting girls from Halamshiral crossed Seren's mind, those who had hung on Cullen's every word with an overly endearing devotion. Beautiful and elegant, giggling and swooning, they were living, breathing embodiments of everything the Lieutenant was not, and would never be.

 _Why would he chose me when he could have any one of them?_ After all, Josephine had even spoken of the  _many_  inquiries into his heritage.

 _Well Cullen can have his pick,_ she thought bitterly as an unwelcome tear slipped from the corner of her eye.

"Good luck to him." Seren muttered aloud, furiously wiping away the errant tear.

Down the street, a glass bottle smashed against a wall behind her. She jumped, instantly spinning in its direction. Her hand slipped to her sword at the sight of three armed, though seemingly drunken, men appearing at the end of the alley. Hunched and unkempt but armoured and masked, Seren watched as a blackened, near-toothless grin spread across each of the men's faces in turn.

"What've we got 'ere lads?" The tallest of the goons swaggered forward, his words slurring as his right hand clumsily inched his tarnished sword from its sheath. He eyed the Lieutenant up and down. "Looks like our  _lucky_ night.

Seren felt the dread course through her veins, but she swallowed back the fear, not ready to repeat history within the space of a week.

"Walk away. Sharpish. In  _that_  direction." Seren pointed down the street, ensuring a firm tone as she spoke, keeping her stare level with the apparent leader. "I don't want any trouble."

"Ist dat so? Sounded like fightin' talk t'me." The man sneered, enjoyed his companion's intoxicated snickers. He removed the remainder of his sword, pointing it at Seren's torso as he sauntered towards her. "Tell ya what. If ya're a gooden and girrus a good night, we won't give ya no trouble. Well, not much."

Again, the men sniggered and Seren involuntarily felt herself edge away, before a blade appeared to her right, a familiar weapon whose hilt usually resided at a certain Commander's hip. With the easily recognisable presence to her side, Seren felt the relief run through her.

"I suggest you do as the lady says." Cullen said slowly, using the same weighty tone he used to issue battle orders.

"And who de bloody 'ell do  _ya_  dink ya are?"

"Just turn around, and  _walk away_." Cullen's words were sharp enough to cut through stone, his expression dark and jaw set.

"Look, we can  _all_  'ave some fun tonight…"

" _Last chance_." Cullen snarled. For a moment no one dared move. The Commander stared down the leader, fearless and resolute, a true knight in shining Inquisition armour. Seren tried to hide her surprise, along with her relief.

She could almost see the gears in the other man's head turning. He glanced back to his men, clearly evaluating their 'advantage'. Alone, Seren believed she would have been able to manage the inebriated men but with Cullen by her side, she was certain they had little chance of survival. But whether the result of a drunkenly inflated ego, or purely a lack of simple common sense, the man sneered as he gestured his friends forward.

"We offered to  _share_." The leader tutted, before directing a lunge at Cullen. The blow was deflected almost effortlessly, the man stumbling from the force of Cullen's counter. Seren drew her sword, awaiting the other men's attacks which duly came with a similar lack of skill. She slipped past slow and unbalanced thrusts, returning with precise strikes. The drunks grunted as the Lieutenant's blade struck true, desperately trying to rally a defence but instead they would misstep, only exposing themselves further.

After several minutes, with a blade yet to touch her, both men stepped back. Seren rolled her shoulders, as the three rotated in a rough circle, careful to keep their distance.

"Come on now boys, I'm just getting warmed up." Seren smirked, enjoying the uncertainty that was slipping into their once confident expressions.

The one to her right rushed forward, which she easily dodged, elbowing the man in the back as he lurched by before dodging an equally obvious attack from his companion. As the first lay sprawled over the floor, the second came again. Their weapons clashed, and he countered for a time, but tired too quickly, missing a critical attack.

With his friend still groaning on the cobbles, the other man lunged for a final attempt. Seren didn't even bother to counter the botched assault. She stepped aside, leaving one booted foot in his path, the heel resting on the floor and toe pointing skywards. With excellent timing, the drunkard tripped over it face first, landing beside the other man. With a dull crack, a rib or two audibly breaking on contact with her boot, Seren kicked him over onto his back, a whimper escaping the man's lips. She placed her sword's point beneath the man's chin, lifting his gaze to hers.

"Run." Seren said coldly. Her gaze shifted, glaring into the wide eyes of the other man. "Both of you, before I change my mind."

Without needing to be told twice, the two men staggered to their feet before hobbling along the alley at a remarkable speed.

"Where're ya  _cowards_  goin'?" The remaining man screamed after his companions, who disappeared from sight around a corner. He turned back to Cullen just as Seren fell into her place at his side. Confronted by the two, Seren saw the hesitation that disclosed the man's imminent surrender.

"Drop. The. Sword." Cullen barked, but his voice was heavily strained. Seren looked up at his face. His shoulders heaved as he endeavoured to regain his breath, his damp face white as death and sword hand visibly shaking, if only subtly. Thankfully the other man appeared oblivious to the true state of his opponent.

Slowly, and grudgingly, the man dropped his weapon to the cobbles, the metal clattering as it bounced from the impact.

Before Seren could react, Cullen had the man by the neck. Leaning the entirety of his mass into it, creating enough force to knock the air out of the man's lungs so he wheezed like a set of bagpipes, Cullen rammed the drunk against a nearby wall. The drunk's feet didn't touch the ground.

"If you  _ever_ even  _look_  at a woman the wrong way again, never mind  _treat_  another like you have treated my Lieutenant tonight, you will be rotting in a shallow grave before you have time to glance away. Is that clear?" Cullen spat, to which the horrified man desperately nodded his acceptance of the terms. The Commander promptly let go, the petrified man stumbling a little before scampering away into the night. Seren returned her sword to its sheath.

"Well that was impressive.  _Terrifying_ , but impressive." She said, pleased to hear Cullen grunt a laugh. But then he swayed as though he'd lost balance, reaching out an arm to steady himself against the wall. Seren rushed forward, helping take his weight just before his knees buckled completely.

"Shit!" She spoke through gritted teeth, Cullen's deadweight almost winding her, as he'd tried to regain his footing. "Are you hurt?"

"No." He breathed, grimacing as he bore his own weight. Cullen ran a hand across his brow, wiping the moisture away and inhaling deeply. "It's just…"

Suddenly she understood, the pieces sliding into place.

_The lyrium… He's still paying the price._

"Been a while." Seren finished, and Cullen nodded.

"Maker, if I knew I'd be like this…"

"You still wouldn't be taking it."

Cullen turned his intense amber eyes to her. "Well at least one of us is sure."

"I'm positive." Seren smiled, locking her gaze with his. "You didn't need to do that, you know. I had him on the ropes." She was pleased to see the trace of a smile that curved his lips.

"I made you a promise, one which I intend to keep."

"So now I'm some damsel in distress?"

"You could just say thank you." He replied amusedly.

Seren smiled, before saying, "Thank you." Then, pretending to frown thoughtfully, she said, "Huh, not as hard as I thought." Cullen laughed, and winced a little with the movement.

"You sure you haven't pulled something?"

"I'm fine." He smiled weakly, hardly convincingly especially with his face still damp and pale but before Seren could say anything, he asked, "Past or present?"

_Ah crap._

"You what?" Seren feigned ignorance as best she could.

"You know what." He gave her his own version of the look, making Seren squirm inside, before continuing. "I need to know if your feelings were in the past. Or if, they could still be present?"

Seren watched him, desperately trying to keep her pounding heart in check as it tried to beat its way out of her chest.

_No running this time._

"Past." She said finally, noting the fall in his expression, the glimmer of disappointment that gave her the courage to continue. "And present. But I know it's inappropriate," She ducked her head, not daring to meet his gaze as she continued, hoping to dig herself out from beneath the shit-tonne of problems created through finally admitting the emotions that had haunted her for over 20 years. "You're my commanding officer. And a relationship of that sort, even if you were interested, would be out of the quest-"

Cullen didn't let her finish, interrupting by pulling her close. Placing his hands on either side of her head, he tipped her face up to meet his, his fingers twisting through her hair.

Seren's breath caught in her throat, hands pressed up against his breastplate, eyes drifting shut as his soft lips gently teased hers apart for a first kiss that she had dreamed of for far too long. Her heart skipped a beat, his kiss sending pulses of delicious electricity through her entirety.

Her hands slipped up to the fur of his cloak, fingers tangling through the fibres. She stepped back, dragging him with her, so she became pressed between Cullen and the wall. Quickly, the kiss became more urgent, his tongue hungrily tracing the insides of her mouth as she poured every corner of her heart into it. Tenderly he pulled away, his eye's sweeping across her face.

 _Holy fucking_ _**shitballs** _ _. Did that seriously just happen?_

"-ion…" Seren finished, gaping at him.

Cullen's mouth quirked into a smile, enjoying her baffled expression.

"When there's a will, there's always a way." He said softly, his amber eyes watching her warmly as he ran his thumb across her cheek. "Did you really have no idea how I felt about you?"

"I…" She stared at him blankly, replying his words slowly in her mind, utterly speechless for one of the first times in her life.

_Maker's freckled arse-cheeks._

Bemusedly Seren started again, trying to order her jumbled thoughts into a coherent answer. "No I didn't. I mean, I hoped you did, but I've felt this way for so long…I didn't dare hope."

"Maker's breath, I genuinely believed you wanted nothing more than friendship!"

"What? Why?" Her brow knitted.

"You would always deflect whenever we even  _skirted_  the subject of something more."

"Because I was terrified I was overstepping!" Seren exclaimed in an embarrassingly defensive tone, struggling to process that the only reason they hadn't been together all these months was her own trepidation. "Holy shit. How long have you felt this way?"

"Since I saw you at Mia's wedding. And after reading all of your unsent letters." Seren laughed nervously, feeling her cheeks warm. "But truthfully, I've always loved you, ever since that day you pushed me into the lake."

"I'm definitely not sorry for that." Seren smirked, remembering the headstrong girl confident enough to push a complete stranger.

"Neither am I." Cullen's expression fell slightly before he spoke again. "For a while, I believed your avoidance was the result of your feelings for another."

"For who?" Seren asked, utterly bewildered by the accusation. And then it made sense. "Oh for the love of the Maker! Not Dorian? Seriously,  _Dorian?_ "

"It was plausible…" Cullen reached to rub the back of his neck, the idea sounding ridiculous now even to his ears

"Oh sure, except for the  _minor_  detail that he likes guys! You had more chance with him than I did, even if I had been interested."

"Were… you?" Seren snorted at his question.

"Really? You need to ask? He's handsome, but he also knows it. I prefer those that blush when a girl points it out at a ball." Cullen laughed self-consciously and Seren was pretty sure his cheeks would be pink if they weren't in shadow. She couldn't help her smile. "Plus he enjoys it far too much when his jokes go over my head."

Without warning, lightning crackled overhead, the thunder rolling in pursuit, drawing their attention to the skies.

"I think that's our cue to head back. Shall we?" Cullen held out his hand, which Seren took hesitantly, her cheeks flushing and skin dancing as his fingers laced with hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the slow updates. It was not intentional. I have been on holiday for several weeks and though I had every intention of posting before I went, as you know, that did not happen. However, I did continue working on this story while abroad, and have updated as soon as I returned. Next update due next week :)


	43. Necessary Counsel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a little friendship goes a long way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back and very apologetic for the delay...
> 
> More chapters to follow...
> 
> The end is within sight...

Overhead another flash streaked the sky, followed in close succession by a profound rumbling that rippled across the heavens. The air hummed with electricity as the escalating wind clawed their cloaks from their sides, the fabrics billowing behind as the pair's pace quickened.

Then came the rain. Large, lone raindrops audibly bounced off the paving stones in all directions, pioneering for the torrential downpour that ensued.

Cullen had taken the lead, their footsteps echoing in the alleyways, as he hurried them back towards the Bazaar. Not one street, nor turn they took, appeared remotely familiar to Seren, but even she would admit that this was hardly surprising considering how little attention she'd paid the first time she'd travelled the tangle of streets. What was surprising was how far from the Bazaar she'd gone in what had seemed like no time at all.

_No wonder he had trouble keeping up._ Seren smiled at the thought, then silently chastised herself for being such a fool to have run at all.

He still held her hand. Every few minutes, she found herself unconsciously glancing downwards, just to check, as if she couldn't feel Cullen's palm pressed to hers, their fingers knitted, nor the gentle sweeps his thumb made across the back of her hand. Seren had no idea if he was doing that on purpose, but she certainly had no complaints; it was oddly comforting.

A final corner and the Bazaar opened out before them, bathed in the orange glow of a few dozen, intermittently hung lanterns. Regardless of the storm's rage, the inebriated racket originating from within the tavern across the marketplace oozed out onto the street from an ajar door.

The pair paused beneath a seller's canopy, damp and chilled. Lightning zigzagged the sky as Seren peered out from underneath, icy droplets striking her skin and numbing her rosy cheeks. She edged back into the gloom beneath cover, turning to Cullen.

"We'll have to run for it." A half smile slipped across her lips as she nodded at Cullen's curls, now dusted with drizzle not just pomade. "Wouldn't want to risk further damage."

Cullen's still-pale face twisted with puzzlement, followed quickly by understanding, a hand reaching to run self-consciously through his damp curls. He grinned, a new spark igniting his eyes. "How considerate Lieutenant," he said as he pulled her to him.

"I do try to be." Even Seren could hear the smile in her voice.

On tiptoes, she leaned in as Cullen kissed her, her stomach somersaulting pleasantly as his lips caressed hers. This time, the kiss was more familiar, yet still so astonishingly new. His smell, the taste of his mouth, their fresh proximity, was bewildering and absurdly exciting. But, most importantly, it felt right.

Rather than actually seeing it, she felt Cullen's lips again curve into a grin. The little alarm in her head, the one that sounded whenever Cullen was up to something, rang. Before there was chance to react, Cullen had stepped out from beneath the canopy with Seren in tow.

"Cullen!" Seren squealed, startled by the icy rain splashing down her face. Instinctively, she jolted back towards the cover as Cullen laughed, refusing to let her slip away. She squirmed, giggling hysterically as his arms wrapped around her waist and lifted her feet from the ground. Cullen spun on the spot as if she weighed nothing at all, grinning up at her with a boyish charm, his blond hair darkened with drizzle; all the pain from before, suddenly forgotten.

Studying his face, her heart swelled. She wondered what they must look like to anyone watching; then she realised she didn't much care. This was one of those remarkable moments you dreamed of, a fleeting instant of sheer bliss she'd recount for years to come.

Carefully, he set her down. Feet firmly on the ground, Seren draped her arms around his neck as she leaned into kiss him again. Cullen reached behind her, tenderly pulling her hood up. Resting his forehead against hers, eyes closed, their lips parted for him to murmur, "Let's go."

For a second, neither moved, lost in a fleeting moment in which the world and everything else in it existed merely as silenced background noise. Eventually the world slid back into focus and Seren let Cullen take her hand again, content to follow.

They darted across the square, slipping inside the tavern's ajar door. Crammed into the far corner, Seren spotted the group instantly, busily occupied in a game of cards. They were set slightly apart from the locals, those in proximity keeping a wary eye on the intimidating form of the Chargers' leader.

All of a sudden, Bull let out a bellowing victory cheer; the rest of the room fell immediately into a nervous silence. Self-consciously Dorian glanced around the subdued room, undoubtedly relieved when he spotted the Commander and his second.

"Lieutenant!" The pair's hands slipped apart instinctively at the sound of Dorian's shout. Seren smiled as Cullen's cheeks coloured, the cause of which could thankfully be mistaken for the cold. Together, yet independently, the pair edged through the crowded tavern to the group's table as conversation slowly restored itself.

"We were starting to wonder if you'd got lost." An eyebrow curved as Dorian spoke, matching the smirk that already adorned his handsome face.

"We ran into some trouble." Cullen answered simply, oblivious to the mage's prying.

"We all thought you must have been having your wicked way with our lovely Lieutenant in some dark alley." Dorian quipped, to which several poor attempts to hide smiles were forcibly made in quick succession around the table.

To Cullen's surprise, Seren's face remained neutral but his own cheeks burned, his right hand automatically reaching up to rub his neck. Seren didn't miss a beat.

"You know Dorian, I can never decide whether it's the drink or just your overactive imagination that sets your tongue waggling loose." Cullen glanced at her as she smoothly deflected the accusation, her expression composed and seemingly amused. She took a seat beside Dorian, extracting the beer from between his fingers and draining its contents.

"That, my lovely Lieutenant, was mine."

"I would _never_ have guessed. My round next?" Casually, Seren extracted a couple of coins from her belt and tossed them to Krem, who was already halfway to the bar. Directing a small, but relieved smile at Seren, Cullen pulled up a chair across the table between Iron Bull and Sera. A hand of cards was dealt to each of them before they had any chance to protest.

"We'll be leaving soon." Dorian said, nudging his own cards back towards Bull.

"The Boss isn't back yet." Firmly pushing the cards back, the Qunari declared, "There's time."

Never needing much persuasion when it came to gambling, Dorian obediently recollected his cards. "If you insist."

"Are we going anywhere nice?" Seren asked in a falsely chipper tone, studying her own cards. It wasn't looking hopeful, but a hand was only as good as your bluff. Over the top of her cards, she glanced at Cullen. The subtle line that had appeared across his brow suggested the odds weren't in his favour either. She forced her smile away.

"We have been offered the use of the Madame de Fer's humble abode."  
" _Vivienne's_?"

"The one and only." Dorian, Seren could see, was almost giddy with the idea of a feather bed and superior plumbing for the night. The Lieutenant, on the other hand, was less than thrilled.

"For what crime are we being punished exactly?" In the corner of her eye, she noted the slight upwards curve of Cullen's lips, lasting only for the split-second before he regained composure.

"Ambassador's request." Krem muttered by Seren's ear as he returned with the round, pushing foaming drinks towards the eagerly awaiting hands in turn. The Charger's tone seemed to suggest his equal lack of enthusiasm.

"Ah."

Midway through the game, their drinks almost empty and bluffs becoming more daring, there was movement in her peripheral. A lone figure approached their table, silent and swift, drawing the attention of few.

"Here you all are." The Inquisitor spoke, her expression neutral but face pallid.

"Inquisitor!" Dorian began, "Why don't you join-"

"Drink up, we're going." Maegan ordered impassively, before slipping swiftly across the tavern and back out the door as abruptly as she had emerged through it.

Dumbfounded, the group hesitated, eyes transfixed to the door. With the Inquisitor so uncharacteristically fragile, no one knew what to say, nor how to act around her. Seren sighed and grabbed her drink.

"I think we'd better make like a tree." Seren drained the dregs from her cup, the eyes of everyone at the table boring into her skin.

"I beg your pardon?" Dorian asked.

"And leave?" Seren smirked, gently returning her now empty cup to the table. No body laughed, but she raised a few reflex smiles from her companions. That was enough.

"Punny, Lieutenant."

"Why, thank you Dory."

* * *

Vivienne's mansion was kept in constant readiness for her eventual, potentially impromptu, return. The weather during the ride was abysmal but the staff were diligently awaiting their arrival following the message the group had sent ahead. Their wet belongings were swept away, out of sight and mind of the guests, to be washed and dried before morning.

They'd changed, slipping into something more comfortable and a little less damp, before sitting down to the delicious, and more importantly warm, meal provided. Seeing the massive frame of Iron Bull and his Chargers seated around Viv's intricately carved dining table was a tad surreal, but with the fire stocked high and the apparently infinite supply of Orlesian wine, the company slipped into easy conversation. The Inquisitor, however, had not joined them.

Dorian, who was sat back in a chair by the fire with his legs crossed and feet resting lazily on a foot stool before him, looked thoroughly relaxed and at home. Raising the crystal glassware in his hand to the glow of the crackling fire, the red liquid swirling gently, the mage addressed his companions with an inebriated edge to his words. "Absolutely marvellous, wouldn't you agree!"

No one answered, but Dorian was too wrapped up to notice. He smiled to himself instead, entirely satisfied with his surroundings as he sank further into the chair's rich fabric.

Somewhat lethargic, if not also marginally tipsy, Seren excused herself from the table. A moment later, Cullen was at her heels.

Neither spoke as they ascended the stairs towards the guests' quarters, instead sharing shy smiles and subtle grazes of one another's hand. With enough bedrooms for each of the companions to occupy privately, Seren and Cullen were in adjacent rooms along the corridor also occupied Maegan, Josephine and Dorian. Bull and the Chargers had been placed elsewhere, seemingly further from sight and mind; the qunari presence had unsettled the Madame de Fer's staff, as it did most people beyond the reach of the Qun.

Turning the corner onto their corridor, with a quick glance to check no one was around, Seren pulled Cullen to her as she backed against a tapestry covered wall.

"Hi." She whispered as his eyes traced her face, while her fingers released the fabric of his shirt and found solace twisting in his curls.

"Hi." Cullen's hands slipped around her back, encircling her waist, tightening the embrace. Their lips met and somebody screamed.

The pair separated as an audible thud followed the scream, which was itself in harmony with the scattering of glass. Seren instantly reached to retrieve the knife from her boot, catching Cullen's glance as she straightened.

"What?" Seren shrugged, "I learnt my lesson, 'kay?"

She saw the lines forming between Cullen's eyebrows, signalling how not okay he was with the motion, but decided to ignore them. He was certainly being overprotective, _again_ , but that was hardly anything new. Although certain things were definitely new…

_Okay, priorities Seren. Deal with potentially worrying situation in direction of screaming first, critically analyse budding romance later._

The scream originated from the Inquisitor's room, which equally increased the pair's concern regarding the commotion and their reluctance to find out its cause. The Commander and his second hesitated in the hallway, straining to hear into the ominously quiet room beyond the closed door in their path.

Barely moving her lips, Seren mumbled, "Are you going to knock?" A quick glance to her left at Cullen's expression, suggested otherwise. She sighed. "Fine."

Seren knocked.

"Maegan?" There was no reply. "Maegan, it's Seren. And well, Cullen actually. But he's just kind of stood here like a lemon…" Seren coughed, aware of the rambling that was making Cullen smile. "Anyway, we heard… erm…Are you alright?"

The door flung open, revealing a blotchy faced and severely incapacitated Inquisitor clutching a half empty crystal decanter, of what smelled like the finest Orlesian whiskey money could buy. Maegan swayed, clutching the doorframe for support. She spoke slowly and fairly deliberately, careful not to trip over those pesky vowels and consonants that were panicking under the pressure.

"I'm absolutely _fine_. Why wouldn't I be?" Maegan slipped back into the dense atmosphere of her room, her guests already forgotten. With the door remaining open, the air from within made a bid for freedom, crawling lethargically on its metaphorical hands and knees, ready to intoxicate any unsuspecting bystander in its path.

_This could be a long night._

Seren snuck a glance at Cullen, who looked like he'd just caught the chantry mother in a compromising position with the village baker; the mix of helplessness, shock and pure horror was, to Seren, sheer entertainment and potential ammunition for later teasing.

"Never witnessed the fallout of a break-up then?"

"Not in so many words."

Seren simply nodded, wondering if her eyes would adjust to the gloom before her. It didn't seem hopeful.

"Don't wait up." She pressed her boot knife into his palm and smiled sadly.

"Don't you want me to…" He made a vague gesture that Seren took as his offering of assistance.

"Sure." She shrugged. "If you want to discuss the finite details of the Inquisitor's and Blackwall's relationship until your eyes are the colour of the wine you're drinking, be my guest? Or drink until you can't feel your face or see the floor anymore… or when the wall becomes a wonderful-"

"I can take a hint." Cullen interjected with the raise of an eyebrow.

"Really? I didn't think you'd mastered that skill yet."

"You are an excellent tutor. Goodnight Seren." Cullen leant down and kissed her softly on the forehead.

"Nice try." Seren grabbed his collar, dragging him close for a true kiss. "You don't get off that easy sailor," She whispered as they parted.

"Goodnight Seren."

"Night." She watched him up the hallway, took a deep breath and stepped into oblivion, willingly accepting the consequences of doing so.

* * *

"Just curious: was the argument with the wine or the wall?" The source of the crash, which Seren and Cullen had heard from the hallway, was once a decanter angrily thrown from halfway across the room. Now shattered into a million tiny shards on the floor, its content was soaking into the expensive looking wallpaper without remorse.

"Both." Maegan was sat cross-legged on the floor by the fire, surrounded by a sea of cushions and throws from the bed.

"Fair enough. Can I join you?" Maegan vaguely nodded and Seren took a seat opposite before continuing. "The wallpaper is a tad garish, though my grandmother would probably love it. And the wine, _well_ it is Orlesian, say no more."

"Seren-"

"What are we drinking?" Seren interrupted, holding out her hand, waiting patiently as the Inquisitor considered relinquishing the bottle cradled in her arms. Finally, Maegan gave in. "Pass us a glass?"

"Seren, you don't-"

"It's no good, drinking on your own. People start to get worried. They decide to form interventions and then, there's a _lot_ of group meetings…"

"Okay, okay." Maegan passed a glass, with what may have been a smile if you tossed your head to one side and squinted.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay." Seren swirled the brown liquid around her glass as she thought. "Never have I ever fancied a Qunari." Seren took a sip.

"What?"

"Never have I ever fancied a Qunari." Maegan looked blank. "Okay, please tell me you have played 'Never Have I Ever'?"

"I don't think so…"

"You're kidding. What do you nobles play at parties?"

"We don't play anything. We small talk and eat canapes."

"Wild." Seren took another mouthful.

"Indeed." Maegan frowned, though her eyebrows seemed to be having difficulties with the concept. "How do you play?"

"So, you say something you've never done and if the other person has done it, then they have to drink." Seren settled into her chair.

"But you drank?"

"Well technically you can say anything, whether you've done it or not."  
"So you fancied a Qunari?"

"Are you telling me there wasn't one fleeting moment when Bull swung his battle-axe, with those rather bulging biceps, and your heart didn't flutter? Even a little?" Even in the gloom, Seren could see the colour in Maegan's cheeks. She smirked, curving an eyebrow. "Drink up."

Obediently the Inquisitor drank.

"Your turn."  
"You must think I'm pathetic."

Seren was lost for a slit second before she realised the shift in conversation. _Here we go_.

"Hardly. But if you feel like explaining the complaint with the wall further, I'm all ears." For a moment, she didn't think Maegan was going to open up, but the Inquisitor seemed full of surprises. Maegan downed her drink, swiped her lips with the back of her palm and turned to Seren. Her focus was still off but the determination was evident.

"My parents. They'll never accept Rainer."

"You don't know that. Have you even told them about him?"

Maegan laughed bitterly. "No. With everything else, it's never come up."

Seren nodded and neither said anything for a moment, both lost in the depths of their glasses.

Maegan sighed and her shoulders sagged when she finally spoke. "It would have been bad enough, him being a grey warden. Not exactly the match my mother had planned. But a fraud, a…a murderer…"

Seren instinctively reached and grabbed Maegan's hand, ignoring how the Inquisitor jumped a little at the gesture.

"Don't," Seren said firmly, staring Maegan straight in the eye. "That's not the man you know. Everything will work out. You're not alone. At the end of the day, your family love you and they must be so proud, if not slightly terrified, of what you are doing. You've got an awful weight on your shoulders but that doesn't mean you shouldn't live a little."

Maegan laughed a little. "How much are you charging per hour?"

"What?"

"For these therapy sessions," Maegan smiled and the mood was instantly changed. "I feel I better ask now before we go any deeper."

Seren laughed. "I'll give you mates' rates, don't worry. These last few weeks, have been a touch intense after all."

"Very generous Lieutenant." The two women smiled at one another. With the Inquisitor's mood seemingly improved, and with some borrowed confidence, Seren tried again.

"So Inquisitor," Seren said brightly. "What have you never ever?"

* * *

Dawn. The great companion of the early riser, a glorious time filled with hope, birdsong and the reappearance of the sun in a clichéd spectacle. Also the mortal enemy of those who defiantly deny the world's existence before midday and of course, the hungover. Seren was certainly one of the latter, as was the Inquisitor.

The night had slyly slipped into the early hours, fuelled by alcohol and a conversation that had dissolved into philosophy as many intoxicated conversations seem to do. Having covered the frivolity of social class, the uncertainty of religion and finally the nature of the inquisition, Seren had had to call it quits. As much as she enjoyed a drunken debate, the first signs of morning had begun sneaking around the curtains, determined on exploring the room they were being shut off from; the day was fast approaching and so was the beginning of a headache.

Maegan drifted as soon as the talking ended. Seren had sensed she'd been hanging on for quite some time, her arguments being all that were keeping her from the grips of sleep. Seren, on the other hand, had become accustomed to long nights without the comfort of sleep.

As quietly as she could, the Lieutenant left the room, trying not to stumble in the gloom over the pillows strewn across the floor. Once out in the hallway, the door softly closed behind her, Seren sighed and glanced along the dimly lit hallway.

From what she could tell, everyone had long since gone to bed. She had no doubt there would be servants milling around somewhere in the vast estate, but the house was otherwise hushed and still.

Seren glanced at Cullen's door, hesitated then heading back along the corridor towards her own room. However, the door came and went. Seren carried on, knowing sleep would be impossible. There was an hour at best before the rest of the party would be rising to face the day ahead. By the time she got in bed and convinced her brain to switch off, it would be time to get up again.

The Lieutenant wandered along the halls in what she hoped was the direction of the staircase, her sense of direction admittedly skewed by the alcohol numbing her system.

_Left here, right?_ Dead-end. _Right it is then._

_This seems right._

_Any second… there should be stairs… any second now…_ Seren drifted down the corridor with balance as an afterthought, the world wandering a little with a will of its own.

_Okay wall, you're meant to be over there, back to your post._ Seren giggled and bounced back into the middle of the hallway. _This is ridiculous. I swear I didn't drink that much…_

Then there was a voice, a very muffled voice, but nonetheless, something to aim for. As she grew closer, Seren realised she recognised it. _Dorian_.

The mage was staring absently out of a great window, nursing a partial glass of wine and talking to him himself. Still wearing the clothes from the night before, it seemed he hadn't made it to bed either.

_Looks like the Inquisitor and I won't be the only ones a little worse for wear…_

Without spotting her, Dorian sighed and lifted his glass to his mouthful, draining the rest of its contents. He placed the empty glass on a nearby sideboard, completely unaware of her presence.

Watching him in that moment Dorian seemed smaller than his normal self somehow, less impressive in a way that Seren couldn't quite put her finger on. He appeared a shadow of himself; a mere man without the mask he'd carefully crafted to hide his vulnerabilities. And suddenly Seren was no longer sure he'd appreciate company. Sometimes people just want to be alone.

"I don't suppose I'll ever return to a home like this." He muttered.

"Why not?" The words were out before her mind had opportunity to restrain them.

"Hm?" Dorian turned, surprised there was another soul awake at this hour but when he realised it was Seren, he relaxed. "Lieutenant, I hadn't heard you."

"Sorry to interrupt." She moved to his side, glancing out at the early morning sky that was brightening rapidly by the second. In truth, Dorian didn't seem to mind her being there. Or at least he wasn't making a show if he did.

"Couldn't sleep either?"

"Not exactly." Seren paused, wondering if it was wise to press Dorian. He'd never opened up before, not really, but other than Cullen and Maegan, he was the closest friend she had. At the least, it was worth a go. "Why can't you go home?"

"Ah, a… _long_ story." He shook his head. "Not something to worry your pretty head about so early in the morning."

"Dorian, come on. You can talk to me."

Dorian took her hands in his and smiled sadly. "My lovely Lieutenant, I appreciate that. But I think you are dealing with enough demons for now, plenty of which are already not your own."

"Fine, but one day you're going to tell me everything." Seren made a face and said, "Or else."

Dorian laughed, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "One day Lieutenant, I swear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may have recognised the joke from the tavern. In case you didn't, it's actually from Back to the Future which is one of my all time favourite films. I wrote that scene on the 21st of October 2015 and so, at the time, it seemed fitting to include the joke in this chapter. And then, I couldn't bring myself to remove it...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed one of the worst jokes in history. I can only offer a 'sincere' apology (cough cough, you secretly loved it).
> 
> Until next time...


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